The Gym Visit

Originally written 11/2003

Okay...so I decided to go to the gym today. Uh huh....It has only been about 13 months since my last visit there. The guy at the front desk scanned my card and was like WOW...been awhile huh? Apparently, since I've been gone, they have made some changes...so I had to learn the new security codes for the locker rooms, etc. Anywayyyyy....True confession time.....

WHY did I LIE to my treadmill? Yes..you read it right. I Lisa....admit..I lied to the treadmill. There were people using the treadmills on either side of me..and they were looking all fot and everything....so I lied to my treadmill when it told me to type in my weight. :S I didn't lie by much. Okayyyy..I'm lying right now....I lied by like 60 pounds! WTF? You say tomato, I say tomatoe....60 smixty. Okay...my next dumb move?

So...after setting the weight for my NOW svelte self...I noticed that the 2 bony bitches on either side of me were running,not walking...and well HELL.. can't look fat AND lazy next to them running...so I had to set my speed to almost match theirs..not quite running,b ut damn near. I was....trotting. Oh wait...that sounds like a horse..I was ......joggerwalking. yeah..that's my new word. Okay...so as I'm joggerwalking, I notice that they have an incline of slightly more than my own 0.0, well..I CANNOT have that! So I matched theirs. UH HUH...These 2 scrawny bitches apparently find joy in hiking up the sides of friggin mountainsides, because I think that is exactly what a 5.8 incline must be! So now, I'm joggerwalking up a mountainside for the next 30 minutes.

To Hell with matching their 60 minute runs....And you know I can't quit because....well....then it would look like I quit. So...then I realized I was the only ass joggerwalking and holding the sides of the treadmill to keep upright. So, I let my arms swing as I walk. Yep...so now..I don't feel singled out because I am holding the rails for their designated purpose. Now I feel singled out because my body is swaying all over the place and I look like I am gonna go into a heroin nod at any time now. UH HUH...Okay..and I don't know what idiot designed treadmills..but my hands banged into the damn sides of that treadmill of every swing. I left there all bumped and bruised..None of which I felt at the time though..because after maybe 3 minutes I had floated off to some other world..I was in the zone. No..not the paradise zone..I was simply shutting down to avoid gasping my last breath.

Okay...so my 30 minutes are up...I swear to GOD (who by now was SURELY laughng at me)I went to walk off that damn treadmill...and I was completely numb from the stomach down! So..I floated over to get the shit you spray to sanitize the machines and floated back to wipe it off...all the while praying I didn't fall out in front of these folks. It seriously felt as though I were walking on clouds..I think I died for a moment back there. Mannnnnn...I tell you...I floated my ass right out the door and down to the car.

Tomorrow..I'm going to the gym at 6 in the morning with all the grandmas. And I tell you now..if one of them old bitches tries to go more than 1 mile an hour..I'm gonna knock her ass out....