After The Headlines (What Happens Next)

Surving the first week.

How, Why, NO and My Baby.  I think those were the only words that I managed to get out for the first week.  My life had totally collapsed.  My baby was gone.  A part of me died on June 13 at approximately 5:48am. 

I couldn't understand, I WOULDN'T comprehend, I couldn't wrap my brain around the fact that my child was no longer here.

My memory of the first week is hazy.  I was medicated for all of the first 2 months or so.  I mean nonstop...24 hours a day.  I thank Allah for that.  I don't know if I would have ever made it thru that time period otherwise.  But I will try to tell the story. 

Immediately after the Coroner arrived to my house.  One of my bosses and my friend/coworker showed up.  Apparently,  the police had tried to find me at work before trying my house.  When th coroner showed up, I yelled for my niece Kia to get Imani out of the house..to go for a drive.  I knew what I was about to hear, and I didnt want Imani to hear the details.  Kia and her friend rushed  Imani out of the house and drove away.

Thats when I get hazy.  I remember calling my close friend and crying into the phone that I needed her.  I remember my boss and coworker trying to console me, but I was past consolation.  The coroner left and my friends started the first cycle of phone calls.  The hardest calls in my life were to my son and mother.  I still dont remember if I called Aja's father or someone else did.  I don't remember much of anything after that. 

My closest friends began showing up at that point.  I know that within hours of my call, my mother, sister and niece were on the road to SC from Boston.  My son and daughter Michelle would be flying in the next day.  I was prescribed Ativan by the agency's Medical Director and someone picked it up, and I was kept on it around the clock.

I don't know when or how the media interview requests came in.  I just recall them coming starting on Saturday.  Or maybe it was Friday.  I don't recall speaking, but apparently I did.  In hindsight, looking at the interviews...I just appeared drugged.  I don't remember how the funeral arrangements were made.  Tiffany stepped in and helped coordinate all of that.  I do know that the funeral home, Leevy's were so incredibly kind and I am forever indebted.

It was at that point, that I learned about the GoFundMe account that had been eatablished by my close friends.  Again, I am forever indebted to the generosity and kindness of so many people.  There were also fundraisers being planned by friends among the karaoke community in Columbia and Club 555 management.

Unfortunately, I truly don't remember much of this time.  I know that my brother came down from Greenville, Imani's daddy came in from Boston and a friend of mine took it upon himself to have my car repaired and made drivable again.

What I do remember is crying.  And screaming, and vomiting, and beginning to have the suicidal and  self harming thoughts that would start to take over my life until I wound up being hospitalized in July.  Not many people know about that dark period, but Ive decided to bring it forth in the 3rd blog.

After The Headlines (What Happens Next)

After The Headlines
What Happens Next

As you see..I have decided to take this blog in a new direction.  It's been a LONG few months since I last blogged.  Literally and figuratively.  I have been to the pits of hell and and slowly, very very slowly climbing my way back out.  I've been asked by numerous people to write a book about my family's recent trauma, but at this point, I just truly am not ready.  But I am ready...after a breakdown, hospitalization, some damn good crazy pills, some more long term hospitalization and intensive therapy and most importantly...acknowledgement and acceptance of the incredible pain, overwhelming grief, consuming confusion and just abundance of feelings that have been exposed...to begin to blog again.  The short term goal is to blog in themes surrounding the events and what has happened in the following months.  Hence...After The Headlines.   The long term goal is to eventually take the blogs and incorporate all of them into a book.  Whether I will self publish via kindle or go through large scale remains to be seen.  Anywho...I'm talking as though all of my readers know exactly what I'm talking about and some of you may not (I say this like I'm world wide, lol)  But I have to think big, right?  But I'm going to give everyone a little background.

My name is Lisa Robinson.  I'm the extremely proud birth mother to Aaron who is 27, Aja Dawn, who is 23 and Imani Ny'Jhea who is 15.  I am also the extremely proud mother of choice to Michelle, who is 23.  Aaron Lives in Massachusetts and the girls and I live in Columbia, South Carolina.  I know a lot of people may proclaim it and it may be true for all of them; but I can say from everything within in me...my children are the air that I breath.  They are my soul.  My reason for life.  My best friends, My joy, my smile, my laughter, my everything is good in the world reason.  When I question my role in this world, all I have to do is look at one of them,and I know that in the large scope of life...THEY are my role in life.  It was to give them life.

Which is why, at approximately 11:00 on Friday morning, June 13, 2014...when the Coroner for the City of Columbia, South Carolina knocked on my door and informed me that my beautiful, vivacious, full of life and spirit and overflowing with love for everyone that she touched baby girl Aja Dawn Robinson was laying dead on an autopsy gurney at Palmetto Richland Hospital...that the life that I'd lived for 46 years died and evaporated on the spot and I knew the Lisa that everyone had known would never be the same.  I collapsed, and truly...could not tell you much of anything that happened for the next 2-3 weeks due to being sedated much of the time.  But in the next blog, I am going to delve into surviving the next week.  Media interviews, a very full house filled with an abundance of loving friends and family, and incredibly kind funeral home who went above and beyond to support us, and man....when I tell you about my girls.....my girls here in Columbia but also Da Panel.  That's what I call them.  I don't have to name them.  We're sort of a secret Society.  And we like it like that.  But they were my legitimate lifeboats.  They kept my heat above water when I was not able to do it for myself.  When I was unable to emotionally stand and open my eyes....they seemed to read my mind, organized a huge fundraiser that ultimately paid a huge chunk of Aja's funeral and most of our bills for a few months, they also designed a beautiful logo and tshirt that they sold to raise money for our family (and that I actually need a few more of)  And my ladies here..Tiffany, Tee, Honey, Wisdohm, Chandra, Tonya, Vikki, Marla...they continued to check on me daily, made sure the girls and I had food to eat, went and filled prescriptions out of their own pocket, organized fundraisers, Damn near dragged me out of  my self isolation and made me come out to fundraisers to show my face, just so I wouldn't be by myself.

And Tee and Tiffany...my sistas in spirit, I swear.  These women are just such  kindred spirits to me.  There were times where I literally could not BREATH..could not function, bathe, BREATH...I truly truly wanted to hold my breath until I died.  And every time I opened my eyes.  They both would be sitting there quietly on either side of me.  Just letting me know that I WAS NOT ALONE.  Do you understand what a POWERFUL gift that is to someone who is on the verge of suicide??  I never even told them.  Or thanked them.  I will have to make sure to tell them to read this blog.  Tiffany and Tee...the two of you single handedly SAVED my life at least 4-5 times in June.  If you had not been here, I would not be here today.  Thank You.  I Love You.