Lost Files - Poetry 2002 - 2004 Part 2

 Definitely had to do a Part 2:               

The Song

2002

 I stepped forward, onto the stage

Careful as ever, not to trip over the thick wires

I said hello to the Host, and positioned myself just left of him

Close enough to see his reactions, unsure still of my skills

 I grabbed my “lucky” microphone…the red one…always

I wasn’t sure if it really brings luck; but who am I to challenge?

The first notes of the song began

 As usual, it strikes a chord of panic within me

Will tonight be the night?

Will this be the night I mess it up?

Inhale…..Exhale

 Slowly, I opened my eyes

Closed them again as I began the first verse

I needed to mentally hear the words I was singing

Unsure of what sounds I was producing

I tentatively opened my eyes and scanned the faces in the room

 The were smiling!  A few were clapping

nodding and giving words of encouragement

Gradually, my voice became stronger

My smile became wider

My stance became freer

I began to feel the song

The rhythm…the Essence

Desperate

6/13/2007

 Sitting here thinking

Feeling my frustration growing

Growing strong with each passing hour

Each hour that you’re away

 Away from my heart

Away from my passion

Away from the love that I so desperately

Wish I could make you feel

 The love that forces itself upon me

Forces me to love you unconditionally

Forces me to love you from a place so deep within

That it physically hurts

 Can you feel..the way that my heartbeat seems to merge with yours?

Even when we are miles apart

The way that my soul opens up,

and feels the pain in your eyes

Knowing that if you were to cut

I would surely bleed

 You couldn’t possibly know…

You haven’t gotten there yet

To this place

This place where only my heart

Lays open and crying

Crying out in desperation

Desperate to be made whole again

Desperate to stop beating with yours

Desperate to stop feeling this pain

Desperate

To stop loving you

Playing With Dolls

2001

 Back when I used to play with Barbie Dolls

Playing house seemed so simple

I’d line up all my Barbies, and fill up the pink townhouse with pink and white furniture

The only decision I had to make was

Which outfit Barbie would wear that day

 I never had to worry about how to pay for Barbies clothes

Every Christmas or Birthday, at least 6 outfits would magically appear

I didn’t have to worry about a job

After all; Barbie could be anything:  Policewoman, Astronaut, Ballerina, Superstar, Teacher, a nurse or the President

 When Barbie said “YES” to Ken, everything was complete

I didn’t have to plan a wedding

I just pulled out “Bride Barbie” and “Groom Ken”  All set!

 There were no car notes to concern yourselves with, or loans to get co-signed

Mom just got Barbie that pretty pink sports car

Ken and Barbie could travel in the Deluxe  Motor Home for the summer

 Back when I used to play with dolls

Ken didn’t leave when baby Skipper came along

He didn’t have an affair with Barbie’s BFF Teresa

Ken never worried about keeping a job.  He had 8 professions to choose from

 Back when I used to play with dolls

There was no divorce

When the relationship began to fade

I could just place Ken and Barbie back on their shelf

There was no alimony to pay

No missed child support payments

 There was never a death in the Barbie world

If Barbie’s head or arm popped off; we knew a brother, sister, mom or cousin who could pop it back on, just like new

 I miss life with the dolls sometimes

I can’t help but to sit back and wish for the days when

Ken and Barbie were the only relationship I had to focus on

 

 

Lost Files - Poetry from 2002 through 2004 Part 1?

 So Yeah...Maybe this will be Part 1.  Depends on how many poems I squeeze into this blog, lol.  Today, I was organizing my bedroom desk and came across a treasure trove of old poetry in this old beat up little notebook.  I literally did not even remember even writing this stuff.  Some, I recognized a piece here or there..maybe a sentence.  But that was it.  But I thought I would share them on here.  So without further ado:            

Just Friends

Standing there looking so fine

6 foot 4 of chocolate sexiness

You stopped to say hello

And to chit chat about whatever came to mind

To be honest, I didn’t even hear most of what you said

I was too busy staring

Amazed by just how beautiful a man you are

Everything about you

From the bass in your voice

To the richness of your cocoa skin

The long curly lashes framing soft brown eyes

The same eyes that reveal all of your inner thoughts

 You stood there on that summer day

Delighting me with all of your sexiness on display

Scowling at the rest of the world

In that ig’nant Beantown boy way

And saving that sweet smile just for me

 I tried my hardest to play it off

And go along with the

“Just Friends” game

And said I’d see you around

 As I walked away with my man

I glanced back and smiled

Knowing I’d be back at your place later tonight

Home

2002

 I wasn’t surprised when you called me last night

Asking me to help you out of yet another jam

I wouldn’t have expected anything less

It’s been that way since we first met

                            You running away when you feel yourself getting too close

Trying to convince yourself that you need to be alone

Telling yourself that the streets are the only constant in your life

The streets would comfort you.  Keep you safe and warm, when nobody else would

                                        And then..as soon as the cold air came, the first tinge of pain

You did what you always do

You called and asked to come back home

 

My Chocolate Man

2001

 This is dedicated to my chocolate man

My sweet, brown satisfying man

I dreamed of you last night

I thought about that night we met

 You walked into the room

With that beautiful smile and confident walk

And all I could think about was, how you made me want to just…

 Made me want to:

Open my arms and welcome you home

Made me want to:

Open your heart and heal any hurt you’d ever felt

Made me want to:

Pull you close to me and dance a slow and sensual dance

Made me want to:

Lean in and deeply inhale your sweet essence

 Yet still, we pulled…we pushed each other away

and continued

To pull back together just as quickly

 We hurt each other. 

Calling each other all of the most vile names we could think of

But all along regretting

Regretting every bad word we said

 Hurting ourselves by hurting each other

Still refusing to admit that maybe..just maybe….

We are what we both know what we are…Soulmates

 I dreamed of you tonight Chocolate

I dreamed of your big brown eyes, soft lips, gentle caresses

strong will and loving heart

I dreamed of you tonight Chocolate

And I missed you  

  

 

Heartbreak

Today marks the first day I have been back to "social media" this week.  I'd taken a break this week.  Not quite sure if I'm yet ready to come fully back yet either.  This blog may be my only little bit of return.  Not even sure if i'm ready to be quite fully transparent about this whole situation yet.  But we know I have never been anything less than transparent about my life.  It's been a rough week for me emotionally.  A rough, rough week.  Extremely painful.  Extremely triggering emotionally.  

I guess I should start it off by saying last year I started noticing a little change in my daughter when she got a promotion at her new job.  I started noticing her attitude toward me sort of shifted and she began to give me a really condescending tone and making these little snide remarks to me.  I honestly felt like she felt like was better than me, or looked down on me because she was bringing in more money than me.   And each time I would mention it to her, she would speak down to me even more and say that I was being too sensitive, or that I wasn't watching how I spoke to her, so why should she watch how she spoke to me (?? I don't speak to her or anybody else disrespectfully, so I'm not sure where that came from)  So this has just been ongoing for the last year.  Sometimes small remarks, sometimes a little more disrespectful to where it will piss me off for a few hours or a day, but never too much.

So, Saturday morning, she said one of these little snide remarks to me and it annoyed me, but it didn't piss me off..it just irked me.  I went in my room and closed the door to work on a project on my laptop,  Nothing more, nothing less.   A little while later, the baby started banging on the door and wanted to come in, and the next thing I hear is "Na'eem..leave Nana alone.  She doesn't want you around her!  She doesn't want to see you.  She's mad at Mommy"  Ya'll..when I tell you...at that moment, my heart BROKE.  That she would say something so CRUEL to a small child...to say nothing of the fact that it was absolutely untrue..but it was just freaking CRUEL...you just don't say say shit like that to a small child.  And just because she wanted to hurt me.  I unplugged my laptop and packed it and the cord, plus my phone charger and a few other things and just got ready to roll out for the day.  I knew I needed to leave the house for the day.

So, I'm getting ready to leave and as I got to the front door, she is sitting on the couch just looking pissed off, looking at the floor...tv..anything but me.  So I said.."You don't have to look at me, but just know..what you just said to that little boy...that was cruel..and that shit was not cool..I need.." and that's as much as I was able to get out because homegirl just went to the LEFT on me.  But the thing is...it came out so calm and so ....I don't even know the word.  I can only explain her face...there was so much HATRED in her face when she turned and looked at me.  There was no anger, there was no sadness...it was like a smirk and absolute hatred.  And her voice was calm and collected and she just said "As far as I'm concerned, You can just pack your shit and move out.  Go to Aunt Steph's house"  And I truly think I felt my heart shatter at that moment.  But then it got worse..as if it could get worse.  Then she says "I'm sick of raising 3 kids" "I've been raising you since Aja was killed.  I never even had a childhood.  When was the last time you even asked me how I was feeling?"  And my heart truly was shattered.  It wasn't the childhood part....all of that was bullshit.  She had been spoiled and entitled her entire life as the baby of the family.  But to say that she had been RAISING me..and to say that she had been doing it since Aja had been killed.  She knew exactly where to stick that knife and twist it fatally.  She knew I've often felt guilt over the times when I've been sick and hospitalized or times when my grief has overwhelmed me since Aja was killed, and for her to essentially call me a useless child...it devastated me.

Maybe I have been spoiled, but I truly have gone thru my parenting experience being blessed with children who had never disrespected me.  Who had never disrespected each other.  We have clung to each other because we were all we had.  It was like the 4 Amigos.  Literally.  Aaron and Aja were always best friends, Aja and Imani were best friends, as Imani got older, she and I became best friends...but growing up, we were just the 4 best friends.  And then Aja was murdered and we were just 3,  And Aaron was living separately with his wife..so it was just me and her.  And then Michelle came down and it was 3 of us again....and then Michelle had her tragedy...and left us...and its the two of us again...and April came to SC, but she moved out quickly.  And to add hurt on top of hurt on top of hurt...after everything she says to me...Imani tells Aaron that he is cut out of her life and breaks HIS heart.  So now, not only is my heart shattered, but so is Aaron's.  She has also blocked everyone that associated with me, the family or friends from contacting her.  Except for the one person who she is close to that I have had to now step away from just so I don't feel resentful.

And the only way that Aaron and I can compare it is...we are now grieving the loss of the last of the girls.  And we are all that we have left.  Yes, she is still alive..but like Michelle, she is no longer in our life.  And my heart is completely broken and lost right now.   And I don't know how to console my son on the loss of a sister who is not gone physically, but has removed herself by choice when he has done nothing at all to deserve that.  Everyone is like..give it time, she will come around.  But can those words she spoke...can those ever be unheard?  I don't know that they can.  I will hear those words in my head and in my heart until the day I die.  She is my child and I will love her until the day I die, but those words will forever hurt me, even if she does decide to make her way back. 

I think this may be one of those blogs that I post, but don't actually share to the usual spots.  If you subscribe, you will read it and that's fine...like I said..I'm a transparent person.  I dunno.  I'm all over the place right now. 

Who Am I - Searching For And Reclaiming a Voice

 I was going to make this a podcast entry, but remembered that my Mom is unable to listen to my podcasts due to her hearing loss...so I thought...I'll do a double posting.  Ill type it out as a blog and then also record on the podcast (so for those who read the blog...no need to go listen it unless ya just the soothing tones of Lisa )

I've been speaking to a good friend the last few days, discussing life and our places in it.  As well as the footprints that we leave in this life.  I know that some people wonder (including one of my children, who mentions it VERY often in a not so polite manner...maybe some day she will TRY to understand ME and my WHY with a little bit more compassion) why I take and post so may photos and videos of my family and events..some important to me...but most just everyday laughter and smiles and doing random things.  It is because....digital footprints...at some point become..*wiping tears now* they become the sounds of laughter, the voice that you will never again get to hear, you get to see a hand movement that has become so familiar and that you are scared to forget.  I'm sure its all just a component of my grief process...to lose a child to violence...is unlike losing an elder.  You cannot prepare.  You don't take the time to study faces and try to memorize all of the little nuances that you find so beautiful.  You just assume.  You assume that you will wake up tomorrow and the world and your child will be just as beautiful as they were when you went to sleep the night before.  So now...I'm terrified of missing a nuance...of missing a beautiful moment.  So I take pictures..lots of pictures. And lots of video.  Because I want to hear voices..so many videos of voices.  I want to hear my loves ones talking, singing, laughing, cracking up, giggling, I want to see them smiling....I want to be able to look at them...ALIVE.  I want memories of them.

Okay, I totally got off track of what this blog what going to be about, lol.  I was talking about searching for and reclaiming your voice.  Years ago, I wrote this poem...and it spoke to how I, as a woman had become lost.  I had lost my identity after so many years of becoming everyone else's identity.  You know, we go from being somebody's child, or sister, to someone woman...to maybe somebodys mother...Nana...Auntie...it goes on and on.  I no longer know what it is that I like to eat, because I have been cooking what YOU like for so long.  I watch what YOU like to watch on tv.  I travel to this place for vacation...because this is where you thought we would like...I am...So and so's wife...so and so's mother, auntie, cousin, sister, friend, ex, coworker....I have been so many people somebody, that I had forgotten who LISA is and how to reclaim her.  And so then a few years back, I did the work and I did reclaim her.  I became more selfish.  I went back to school.  I got active again in the Columbia BLM and POMC community and I felt ALIVE.

And now, here it is...4 years later...back in Boston.  And I feel as though I am losing sight of Lisa again and I need to push to reclaim her.  I think this is why I am so committed to being so INTENTIONAL about this blog and podcast.  I have found something that is just for me and MY voice.  I am able to be heard.  I am able to introduce people to LISA from my perspective, my voice alone.   So..without further ado, Introducing Lisa Robinson

Who Am I ?

Who am I? You asked me that today. I told you what I thought you’d like to hear. I gave the easy answers…. Who am I? Hmm……

I’m Sara’s daughter, Bee and Steph’s lil Sis.  With the BIG lil brothers, haha.  I said I’m divorced.  A single mom of 3 I used to be married to _____ I started to speak again; but you stopped me, “No…who are YOU?”

So, I searched a little deeper “Who am I?” Hmmm…well… I’m that chick from around the way.  You know…that redbone who lives up at #687. The one with them bad ass little boys…and the son who draws so well, I’m the one whose daughter was killed.  Yeah…that was my daughter…Thanks.  I’m that chick that’s always cookin’ ; anytime you visit, there’s always something on the stove. I’m that chick that’s always reading. Trying to find the next thing to learn If pain in our lives teaches us…by now, I should be a scholar. I’ve seen sooo damn much. I’m that chick that all your boys talk about, “Damn..you got a good woman.” But you still treat me like some IG Thot.. Running in and out, coming as you please.

But as soon as I turn my back to leave…here YOU GO...fallin on your knees. I’m that chick you hear on the mic..singing loud and strong, Longing for the times when I can be heard as clearly …OFF stage I’m that chick …who still fights to go forward. Even when life seems to keep Pushing me back. Who tries to “KEEP HOPE ALIVE” when all along, my heart and hope has died.

So, when you ask me, “Who am I?” I’m that chick.. I’m that chick.. I’m THAT chick.. Stressin’, fightin’, lovin’, laughing, struggling, singing, sexin’, feelin’, growing, living, maintaining and screaming’

All of these words describe me. I can’t tell you who “I” am Every day I am someone new..so let me ask..”Who are YOU?

Its Gonna Be a LONG Day

TMI Trigger Warning?  Do you put tmi trigger warnings?  Should you?  Who knows?  I'm sure this wont up my sexy factor..but I'm saying...anyway......

So yeah....as we know, I was in the hospital all last week.  Heavy meds, breathing issues, blahs blahs blah.  I was discharged Friday and then wound up super sick with the same virus all weekend...wound up being taken by ambulance back to the ER on Monday for treatment (needed iv fluids, nausea meds, pain meds, etc) Okay..now...during ALL this time...here's our tmi part...I haven't used the bathroom.  😶  It wasn't like....an intentional thing.  I didn't set out with the mindset of..."Oooh..I'm gonna skip a shit"  I just have very ummm shy intestines.  I typically cannot use the bathroom unless I am in my own home.  I usually won't even pee at someone else's house, unless its like my mom and sister's house, or  close family or friends.  I also can't use the bathroom if I have other people IN my house, unless its my family.  I know....VERY shy intestines.  I'm sure there is some kind of childhood poop trauma somewhere way back down in my history, but I don't feel a need to go searching.  All I know is that if I am not at home..I am not gonna go.

So....the entire time I am in the hospital, each day, 2-3 x a day,  a nurse would say to me "Have you moved your bowels yet Ms Robinson?"  And I'd say "No Ma'am...I doubt I will until I get home".  Because unless they slipped me something, I know my intestines...they will lock up tighter than Fort Leavenworth, and literally...ain't SHIT getting out.  So, Friday I get home, and by then...I'm feeling kind of ready..I gotta admit it.  My tummy was feeling a lil bloated there.  I had all that prednisone in my system, plus...aint gone to the bathroom now in like 5 days...been drinking 1/2 cup of watery coffee each day.  I just knew.  I good strong XL large cup of Dunkins and I was gonna be on my way to feeling free!  Except....

I got home...had my coffee....laid down on the couch.....watched some tv.  And a few hours later, the virus kicked in and I was SICK.  SICK SICK SICK. Weak, coughing, chills, couldn't stand up, barely able to walk...just horrible.  And since I was the only one home all weekend, I just stayed there on the couch the whole time.  Got up a few times to literally hug the walls to go pee or to get myself something small to eat and to take my medicine.  By Sunday evening, Mani and the boys were home, but I was still so sick that I was afraid that my rhinovirus had turned into Covid and I was scared to be around them.  I was also feeling horrible.  I knew I should go back to the ER...so back I went.  There was a debate over my being readmitted, but once they had done a covid test and it was negative, and all of the xrays and tests looked good...I knew that I just was sick with the virus and I felt like...why take up a hospital bed that someone who is GENUINELY sick sick could use, for something that I can do self care for?  I mean, I would have felt horrible having a nurse have to do extra work, checking on me, doing vitals and giving me tylenol..I can take my own temps and give myself tylenol at home.  So I came home.

Tuesday, I went to go to the post office and found that the truck is dead...of course.  OF COURSE.  I either need a new battery or a new starter.   Get in line muhfuggas...get in line.    So yeah..back to the ole intestinals.  Now we are up to Tuesday.  STILL NOTHING!!!  Now I'm getting a little pained.  Ya know...the tummy and the back are hurting now.  The bloat is beginning to feel REAL acute.  I say, let me make a nice strong cup of coffee.  Nope.  Fast forward to Wednesday....because basically...Tuesday, I don't think I really did much, other than try to relax around the house and try to feel better.  Yesterday.  I started feeling a bit better.  Went and got some jumper cables, because I THOUGHT we just needed a jump (WRONG) did Brys ABA and participated in a panel meeting with the school.  After that, it was a low key day..by now, I am at like...what...maybe 8-9 days...not going?  So last night, I'm greedy, I had a taste for a burger.  So Imani and I get Burger King...burger was BOMB but way too big.  My already bloated tummy was literally feeling like if you poked me with a pin, it was going to explode.

So then I had the bright idea to grab that bag of sugar free gummy bears that me, Aaron and everyone got as a dare..that were supposed to make you poop...but when I tried them the first time..they didn't do anything.  But I was like...well hell...MAYBE this time, they might have some effect.  So, I eat like ..I dunno, maybe 15 of them.  At like 11-11:30 at night.

First of all, let me tell you.  My room is THE hottest room in the house.  This is not an exaggeration.  It is literally, the hottest room in the house.  This summer has been horrific for me.  I have had to usually just get up and move to the couch, so that I can sleep under the ac.  Last night, Bryson showed up to my room at like midnight and wouldn't go back to bed and it just never occurred to me to move both of us out to the couches...so we both were in here just POURING sweat.  Maybe not him...thankfully, the babies don't seem to be affected by the heat as I am.  But maybe its menopause, but I swear, I POUR sweat off my head all day and night long.  I have to carry a small towel at all times.  But anyway....so I'm laying here, hot...aggravated as hell from this hot, sticky heat and what feels like my 99 lb belly that is bloated and hurting, and all of a sudden......this painful gas kicks in.  Man....I do not know how Bryson slept through the night.  Or frankly how Imani or the neighbors slept through the night.  Because I am here to tell ya'll.  A bitches stomach sounded like a freaking Big Mac Semi Trailer was back firing every 15 minutes.  

Now I usually pride myself on being ladylike and not letting loose any of these ole manly ass sounding farts.  I am definitely more of a go in the bathroom or in my room and let out a soft ladylike poof.  But mannnnnnn...let me tell you, I was lifting whole sides of my ass and letting em rip.  And those bad boys were ripping.  And then this morning, Imani says...Mum...if you still haven't gone to the bathroom, you need to drink one of those cleansers that I got.  She got this set of like 10 little teeny juice looking things from some instagram business, that she said worked amazing for her.  Had her lose weight and everything.  Soooo....I chug a lug a drink.  And I chase it with my morning 1/2 cup of Dunkins (because I am cutting back on coffee...I'm down to 1/2 a cup now and about 1/3 of the sugar)  Anywhoo.....About 15-20 minutes after I chugalug......I feel that gas a rumbling again....so I'm ready for the mack truck.  But ohhhhhh....now we got automatic rifle fire.  So....I BLAT BLAT BLAT BLATTED my way down the hall to the bathroom real quick.

So now Mani has instructed me that now would be a good time to make myself comfortable in what feels like this 600 degree bathroom, and I am sitting here, sweating thru the pits of hell and awaiting my fate.  Oh Lawd Ya'll....this ain't cute.  Pray for me ya'll.  I need some music and some crystals and sage or something...because something unnatural is trying to leave my damn body.  It may be human.  Okay..I'm gonna see ya'll on the other side.

Trials Into Testimonies

When your tests become testimony...Alhamdulillah.   This is where I was Tuesday:

No covid, but I am on a covid unit because I have rhinovirus. Apparently rhinovirus affects regular people just like a cold, but for people with severe asthma or copd, it's been attacking their lungs exactly like covid, and they've been seeing a rise in deaths. They have also seen an increase in dual infections with people with severe asthma and copd...they have been presenting with both covid and rhinovirus. 

Thankfully, I have tested negative for covid, but the rhinovirus is hitting my lungs very hard. It basically keeps them inflamed and seems to make them resistant to the usual medical treatment. They have already sat with me and had the conversations regarding my "choices", should it come to that...do I want to be resuscitated,  do I want to be intubated if I can no longer breathe on my own, who my medical proxy is in the event that i can no longer make my medical choices for myself.  

They also found that due to working so hard from the asthma, my heart is now leaking proteins, so they are concerned that I am close to having a heart attack.

In full disclosure..only a few of you know..but about 3 weeks ago..my doctors also discovered that I have a mass in my lung, in addition to some smaller nodules.  I am assured that we are going to follow up on this, but also that as a non smoker..my risks are very small for lung cancer.   GOD got this y'all!  Besides, HE ain't ready for me AND Aja's foolishness up in the same place again, lol.

Like I said..all of this was Tuesday..Now its Friday and here comes the Testimony...I'm breathing on my own again...Alhamdulillah!  And the leak in my heart has stopped for now.  We will follow up on that.  So ya girl is going home today ❤  I'll be on full bedrest for a few days, as I still get too winded standing up or walking..and I'll be on breathing treatments every 2-4 hours..but I can do it from home.  Thank You so much to everyone who has prayed over me, called, message, texted, left comments, etc.. I've seen them all and I have so much gratitude.  Thank You.  I Love You