Ready To Love

     And yes, I DID sing that title just like India Arie.   But unlike India...ion think I am fully ready to love.  Maybe just ready to sing the song.  I feel like I SHOULD feel ready to love.  Like, maybe I should be at least willing to explore the options that are available.   But is that really fair to someone if I know in my heart that I am not going to be willing to give them 100% of myself?

       The last time I knew I was ready to love was when I was still in South Carolina and loving Marcus.  I absolutely loved him, inside and out.  Even after I broke up with him, it wasn't because I didn't love him; it was because I needed to love ME again, more than I was loving him at that time.   But once I was single, I actually realized that not only did I love me...but I actually loved my OWN company and spending time with me on my own terms and not needing to smile in someone's face or cater to their happiness (outside of these grandbabies or my family)

    So I figured I'd be single for about 6 months or so and then would be ready to get back to dating.  I've always enjoyed the dating game; or at the least the booty game, lol.  Hey, gotta keep it 100!  Well, that was August 06 2016 when we broke up.  We have just entered a New Year...January of 2021.  And I'm STILL single.  I did put my foot into the date game back in 2018 and went on a few dates with an incredibly nice man..but I knew it wasn't good of me to continue because it was unfair to him.  He wanted way more from me than I was willing to give at that point in my life.  And I'll be damned if I am still not in that same point in my life.  I just cannot seem to get out of my head.

    I'm sure the situation in 2019 did not help any.  That put a barrier up that would probably take 100000 sticks of dynamite to knock down and then some.  My trust level is in the toilet as far as men go.  And then 2020 brought Covid.  As horrible as it has been, Covid has been a wonderful excuse for me to just stay in the house and not accept any invitations to spend a single moment with a male, lol.  Every time a man approaches me, whether it be online or in person its like *WHOAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!  STRANGER DANGER!!!!!   COVIDDDDDDDDDD, STAY AWAYYYYYY!*  2021 is supposed to be my year of transition.  This is the year that I plan to work on myself, mentally, physically, spiritually...the whole nine.  The woman you see today, will be an ENTIRELY different woman that you will see at the start of 2022, that's all I can say.  There will be blogging, journaling, podcasting, I've joined a woman's group, I'm writing my book, I'm going to work on my poetry...I'm going to work on my writing and communication, period.  I feel like I need to fully expunge any negativity or garbage out of my spirit and just release it in order to be a better me going forward.  So get ready 2021!  LOL...alright.  Let me get out here and spend a few dollars....this lil ass stimulus check...I need to pay on these credit cards, but I also want to buy a couple of things for the candle biz.  Get us some extra supplies.  

Lost Files - Poetry 2002 - 2004 Part 2

 Definitely had to do a Part 2:               

The Song

2002

 I stepped forward, onto the stage

Careful as ever, not to trip over the thick wires

I said hello to the Host, and positioned myself just left of him

Close enough to see his reactions, unsure still of my skills

 I grabbed my “lucky” microphone…the red one…always

I wasn’t sure if it really brings luck; but who am I to challenge?

The first notes of the song began

 As usual, it strikes a chord of panic within me

Will tonight be the night?

Will this be the night I mess it up?

Inhale…..Exhale

 Slowly, I opened my eyes

Closed them again as I began the first verse

I needed to mentally hear the words I was singing

Unsure of what sounds I was producing

I tentatively opened my eyes and scanned the faces in the room

 The were smiling!  A few were clapping

nodding and giving words of encouragement

Gradually, my voice became stronger

My smile became wider

My stance became freer

I began to feel the song

The rhythm…the Essence

Desperate

6/13/2007

 Sitting here thinking

Feeling my frustration growing

Growing strong with each passing hour

Each hour that you’re away

 Away from my heart

Away from my passion

Away from the love that I so desperately

Wish I could make you feel

 The love that forces itself upon me

Forces me to love you unconditionally

Forces me to love you from a place so deep within

That it physically hurts

 Can you feel..the way that my heartbeat seems to merge with yours?

Even when we are miles apart

The way that my soul opens up,

and feels the pain in your eyes

Knowing that if you were to cut

I would surely bleed

 You couldn’t possibly know…

You haven’t gotten there yet

To this place

This place where only my heart

Lays open and crying

Crying out in desperation

Desperate to be made whole again

Desperate to stop beating with yours

Desperate to stop feeling this pain

Desperate

To stop loving you

Playing With Dolls

2001

 Back when I used to play with Barbie Dolls

Playing house seemed so simple

I’d line up all my Barbies, and fill up the pink townhouse with pink and white furniture

The only decision I had to make was

Which outfit Barbie would wear that day

 I never had to worry about how to pay for Barbies clothes

Every Christmas or Birthday, at least 6 outfits would magically appear

I didn’t have to worry about a job

After all; Barbie could be anything:  Policewoman, Astronaut, Ballerina, Superstar, Teacher, a nurse or the President

 When Barbie said “YES” to Ken, everything was complete

I didn’t have to plan a wedding

I just pulled out “Bride Barbie” and “Groom Ken”  All set!

 There were no car notes to concern yourselves with, or loans to get co-signed

Mom just got Barbie that pretty pink sports car

Ken and Barbie could travel in the Deluxe  Motor Home for the summer

 Back when I used to play with dolls

Ken didn’t leave when baby Skipper came along

He didn’t have an affair with Barbie’s BFF Teresa

Ken never worried about keeping a job.  He had 8 professions to choose from

 Back when I used to play with dolls

There was no divorce

When the relationship began to fade

I could just place Ken and Barbie back on their shelf

There was no alimony to pay

No missed child support payments

 There was never a death in the Barbie world

If Barbie’s head or arm popped off; we knew a brother, sister, mom or cousin who could pop it back on, just like new

 I miss life with the dolls sometimes

I can’t help but to sit back and wish for the days when

Ken and Barbie were the only relationship I had to focus on

 

 

Lost Files - Poetry from 2002 through 2004 Part 1?

 So Yeah...Maybe this will be Part 1.  Depends on how many poems I squeeze into this blog, lol.  Today, I was organizing my bedroom desk and came across a treasure trove of old poetry in this old beat up little notebook.  I literally did not even remember even writing this stuff.  Some, I recognized a piece here or there..maybe a sentence.  But that was it.  But I thought I would share them on here.  So without further ado:            

Just Friends

Standing there looking so fine

6 foot 4 of chocolate sexiness

You stopped to say hello

And to chit chat about whatever came to mind

To be honest, I didn’t even hear most of what you said

I was too busy staring

Amazed by just how beautiful a man you are

Everything about you

From the bass in your voice

To the richness of your cocoa skin

The long curly lashes framing soft brown eyes

The same eyes that reveal all of your inner thoughts

 You stood there on that summer day

Delighting me with all of your sexiness on display

Scowling at the rest of the world

In that ig’nant Beantown boy way

And saving that sweet smile just for me

 I tried my hardest to play it off

And go along with the

“Just Friends” game

And said I’d see you around

 As I walked away with my man

I glanced back and smiled

Knowing I’d be back at your place later tonight

Home

2002

 I wasn’t surprised when you called me last night

Asking me to help you out of yet another jam

I wouldn’t have expected anything less

It’s been that way since we first met

                            You running away when you feel yourself getting too close

Trying to convince yourself that you need to be alone

Telling yourself that the streets are the only constant in your life

The streets would comfort you.  Keep you safe and warm, when nobody else would

                                        And then..as soon as the cold air came, the first tinge of pain

You did what you always do

You called and asked to come back home

 

My Chocolate Man

2001

 This is dedicated to my chocolate man

My sweet, brown satisfying man

I dreamed of you last night

I thought about that night we met

 You walked into the room

With that beautiful smile and confident walk

And all I could think about was, how you made me want to just…

 Made me want to:

Open my arms and welcome you home

Made me want to:

Open your heart and heal any hurt you’d ever felt

Made me want to:

Pull you close to me and dance a slow and sensual dance

Made me want to:

Lean in and deeply inhale your sweet essence

 Yet still, we pulled…we pushed each other away

and continued

To pull back together just as quickly

 We hurt each other. 

Calling each other all of the most vile names we could think of

But all along regretting

Regretting every bad word we said

 Hurting ourselves by hurting each other

Still refusing to admit that maybe..just maybe….

We are what we both know what we are…Soulmates

 I dreamed of you tonight Chocolate

I dreamed of your big brown eyes, soft lips, gentle caresses

strong will and loving heart

I dreamed of you tonight Chocolate

And I missed you  

  

 

So You Think You Know Me?

Understanding me is a losing battle!  I confuse my own damn self and yet...it all makes perfect sense to me ...probably why Ill be single til Im 99!  On Monday I love you and never wanna lose you , Tuesday you burped or farted and annoyed me and became unattractive , Wednesday you stole a jelly belly jelly bean when I wasnt looking and Im ready to stab you with a spork, Thursday I miss the hell outta you and need you back in my life and would probably marry you if you stopped by the Justice (see example hubbies 1&2 from my past), Friday I saw some big, tatted, bearded dude walking by and and he caught my eye, Saturday Ive deleted your number and am texting with big, tatted, bearded dude without so much as a goodbye nukka *DEUCES* to you ...Sunday, I don't wanna be bothered ever again in life and want to move away and live in a bunker.  Welcome to the mind and heart of Lisa.  To know me is to either love the hell outta me or want to punch me in the throat with brass knuckles.  Sometimes both on the same day.