Sunday, March 28, 2021

Life from The Sitting Position

Oh, how I wish it was as fun as it sounds.  I mean, don't get me wrong, when I'm feeling lazy...sitting around on the bed or couch all day is amazing.  I get to binge shows that my kids have introduced to, and I apparently am the last person in the world to watch Dr Who.  

I know the show has been out here forever; but I had never laid eyes on it before because it sounded like something I would have absolutely no desire to watch (sci-fi/fantasy/horror are all genres that I have never been into).  But then my son and daughter in law came over and introduced me to it.  And they did the best thing possible...they introduced me to some of the earliest shows.  So now I gotta sit and binge watch what...20-30 YEARS of a show.  No problem...I got this!

And then my daughter proceeds to start talking about this funny ass show she has gotten into...again, sounds like something I would never be into..Resident Alien.  Again, I was wrong...that show has me straight up gut laughing in every episode.  So, I will probably be sitting around next week once the boys take their butts back to daycare and school (they each were sick with their allergies all week...but allergies look too much like cold home they stayed...alllllllllll week)  That was not my idea of a fun week.

So, why am I spending so much time on my rather ample ass, you ask?  Well, because that back surgery they told me that I needed over 3 years ago?  I really should have done it.  Instead I came up with excuses..valid excuses...but excuses just the same.  And now my back/spine issues have deteriorated to the point where I am literally stuck, either in bed or if I can make my way to the couch...I sit there.  I really wish I could get up...I seriously HATE being dependent on Mani for everything.  The good news is that I have begun to give Bryson and Na'eem their first chores to help me out.  After Imani FINALLY (side eye...after about 6 weeks)did the laundry a few days ago..I had Bry and NayNay put all of the towels and face clothes away, and then had them put all of the folded laundry on their bed, for us to put away.  I've also begun to have them start washing walls and wiping down the stove.  Next will be giving Bryson the stepstool and saving small things for him to wash in the sink...spoons, bowls, cups, small plares.  No knives or forks for obvious reasons...I ain't trying to get stabbed up.

But seriously...I am hating this right now.  My doctor has put in a request for a VNA to come out and evaluate me for a scooter...oh joy.  I am OFFICIALLY old and fat now.  He also put in a referral for a PCA and a shower chair, as I have fallen a few times in the bathroom now.  Yep...this sucks.  Oh AND according to my medical chart...I have now been diagnosed with fibromyalgia.  I can walk for about 20 feet before my back starts screaming pain and locks up on my now.   And my limit for standing on my feet before the excruciating pain hits is about 3 minutes.

Anywayyyy....I'll probably be writing a little more.  Starting to do some chair exercising, since I can't stay upright to do them very long.  Any suggestions?  I'm open to them.

Tuesday, February 23, 2021

Where I Am From

Where I Am From 
February 22, 2021

I am from posters of Huey and Angela, hanging on black painted living room walls
From government cheese and Jean Nat'e

I am from six flights of pissy stairs, because the project elevators didn't work.  Winding.....tiring stairs.  That made you feel like you were climbing all the way to Heaven.

I am from bright green spider plants, and fresh picked daffodils and flower pots made from discarded yogurt containers.  Filling up every available space on the large bright windowsill, the many plants, basking in the glorious sunlight.

I am from ten pounds of fresh little chocolate balls in a big bowl at the end of December every year; turning into stale little foil wrapped piles of dry chocolate tasting powder that we tried to give away to anyone dumb enough to accept them by March, just to get rid of them.

I am from Sara Elisebeth Finley and ......hah...he's not worthy of the title Father.  Lets just call him sperm donor 67.

I'm from laughing til orange soda spills out of our noses, and knowing AND singing loudly as a family...EVERY SINGLE song that comes on the radio.
From "Don't be a tattletale Lisi" and "Stop reading in the're gonna go blind!"

I'm from "We're Marching to Zion, Beautiful Beautiful Zion!!!" with Aunties Betty, Bettie and Maxine all ready to shower me with baby powder scented hugs, kisses, praise and love every Sunday morning at Mount Calvary Baptist Church.

I'm from Boston and Scandanavia and Nigeria and the Balkans and Sierra Leone.  Boiled dinners of corned beef, potatoes and cabbage, glop, tuna noodle casserole and Fufu.

From the time that 15 year old Aja discovered "Barbados is West Indian??  I thought we were Mexican!!!??"

To the days gone by when 2 year old Aaron, suavely chatting up the college girls on the banks of the Charles, with nothing more than that big smile, a handful of dead flowers, a tired line "Here Lady...I picked this just for you" followed by some slick 2 year old conversation.  He had them completely under his spell.

From facebook, instagram, bedroom and living room walls, Steph and Lisa's houses~ filled with as many memories as they can possibly squeeze in and it still would never be enough.  Because we realize that tomorrow truly is not promised to us and there can never be too many pictures, videos, laughs, smiles, shared glances, bright eyes, hugs or memories to try and cherish

Tuesday, February 16, 2021

Heavy Is My Grief

                                 Heavy Is My Grief

Weighing down my arms and legs

My eyes, feeling too heavy to open

Grief making each breath feel trapped

Halfway between my stomach and my throat

Where it would catch

And then each time, I would come back in a panic

To the future that I didn’t want to be a part of

And I’d remember to inhale            exhale             inhale

Just to start the process all over again

I started to talk to you, and tell you

How life has been going

But I stopped

Because this time I couldn’t.

So heavy is my grief

This time, I don’t want to imagine what your life would be like now

The what if’s don’t matter anymore

They’ve been taken away and now you are just GONE

Just gone.  Never to be held, touched, hugged, caressed, kissed again.

I’ll never get to listen to your silly jokes, or hear that laugh, so full of joy 

Who will I make whole bowls of potato salad for now?

Or watch, amazed as you hit the buffet 3-4 times before you stuff food into your cheeks and gums “for later”

My silly, beautiful, greedy, kind, funny, generous, forgiving girl is just GONE

And right now, I’m just feeling real heavy and real angry in my grief.  Not healed at all.  I feel like I need to start my healing journey all over again, yet I know that this is actually a part of the journey.  We go back and forth.  But right now.  Heavy is my grief.

Sunday, February 14, 2021

Writers Block or Just Me Blocking my Writing?

Heyyyy.  Its definitely been a while since I updated the blog.  Been even longer since I have written any new chapters of the book.  Its for a few different reasons for both.  

I say it's writers block, but the truth is, at least for the book...I have gotten to the point in my life where I'd met Rilow, and that was just such a BAD part of my life.  Yes, the first month or so was nice..the man looked good.  But once you got past that...the next few years were pure, painful hell.  Physical, emotional and mental painful hell.

So yeah, I think my brain has sort of been protecting my emotional "self" and been kind of refusing to "go there" in terms of allowing me to get my writing in.  I haven't even been able to do any short stories, prompts or poetry for the last month or so.  I haven't even journalled, and that's talking to my own self.  But I decided tonight that I needed to get back on my shyt.  I have wasted enough of my own time.  I still have a homework assignment due from last week that I haven't sat down and committed to writing.

Oh my while writing a chapter back in December, I was reminiscing about a basketball player that I met years ago, while at the Boston Shootouts..we had exchanged numbers and spoke for a while afterward and whooooo muhcy, my lil teenage self LUVVVVVED me some him!  (and about 4-5 others at the time, lol)  So, I got nosy and googled him...why did I find out that this brotha is an accomplished politician in his city...still fine (even finer than before..but definitely married) and someone that I have actually checked out when he has been on tv and never made the connection, lol!  Dangit man...ya girl dropped the ball on that one big time!!

So I REALLY REALLY want to change blog hosts..this one gives me a lot of issues when it comes down to sharing.  I don't know if other users are having problems with it, but I know that neither facebook or Instagram will allow me to share the links to it.  I get a message that the content that I am trying to share contains violence.  Instagram locked down my account for like 6 months after I put my blog link in my profile info.  I couldn't figure out why I was locked down until I was looking at my profile and saw the link and removed it.  As soon as I did...the account opened back up immediately.  So yeah, I really want to switch to another host, but the lazy in me is tf do I switch over so many years worth of blogs?  Thats a hell of a lot of copy and pasting!!  But I'm gonna have to step up and get to doing..... 

Friday, January 15, 2021

The Place She Used To Hide Out

The Place She Used To Hide Out

There used to be a time when her bedroom was the the place where she used to hide out.  It was her sanctuary, her reading nook, her place to regroup and to escape all of the bullshit that life had thrown her way throughout the day, the week, the month.  She knew that no matter how hard work was that day, when she got home; she could count on going upstairs, kicking off her heels, shedding her bra, putting on her most comfortable muumuu and closing the door to her inner sanctum.

There used to be a time when she could enter her room on a Friday night, and not leave it for the whole weekend.  She had an attached bathroom, so there was no need for her to leave.  She could order food to be delivered, or have someone just bring her a plate from downstairs.  That was a benefit of having older children.  Sometimes, her room would even be the place where her children chose to hide out.  And she didn’t mind that.  Her children seemed to love the peace that the room brought them just as much as she did.  She could be laying in bed, and one or both of them would come in, light an incense and just curl up on the bed with her.  Content to wrap an arm around her leg, or rest the head on her arm.  Or they would meet her at the door after she got home from work, with mischievous smiles on their faces, holding a giant Walmart bag of junk food...letting her know it was going to be “Girls night in Mummy’s bed”.   And they would all curl up in their pajamas, eating their favorite ice cream out of the cartons, watching trash tv and eating ridiculous amounts of candy until they all fell asleep still laughing. 

After the tragedy, the bed became the place she hid out for different reasons.  She didn’t want to face the world.  Couldn’t face them.  She hid out in her room, hoping to disappear forever.  But her friends wouldn’t allow her to do that.  Tiffany and Tee would sit quietly by the side of her bed, watching over her.  Nobody spoke the words, but they didn’t have to.  They wanted to make sure that she didn’t hurt herself.  She said no words.  Just rocked herself in between fits of crying.  Eventually, days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months.  Tiffany and Tee turned into Michelle and Mani.  Michelle became the Mother she had so needed her own to be in her life.   She dedicated herself to being a daughter and a sister.  And then…..tragedy.

And after tragedy, heartache, anger, hurt, confusion.  And then a new life.  And suddenly, the place she used to hang out became a place for new life.  There was no way to hide out anymore.  There was this beautiful new life that needed her and smiled when she was tired and ready to give up.  And then there were two new lives.  And the place that she used to hide out was no longer her place anymore.  Now the two new lives had taken over the place.  Now there were some nights, she would actually get up and go to sleep in the living room, just to have a few moments of quiet time to herself.

And then the final straw.  She was finally happy again.  Living in a brand new place.  Loving the new space that she could call her place to hide out.  And then she was attacked.  In that space.  Violated in the space that she needed to feel like she could go to be in her sanctuary.  And she was destroyed all over again.  But this time, it was temporary.  She worked through it, reclaimed her space, rearranged spaces and renamed it.  And now it is “The Place She Calls Her Sanctuary” and “A Place of Love”.


Monday, January 4, 2021

Ready To Love

     And yes, I DID sing that title just like India Arie.   But unlike India...ion think I am fully ready to love.  Maybe just ready to sing the song.  I feel like I SHOULD feel ready to love.  Like, maybe I should be at least willing to explore the options that are available.   But is that really fair to someone if I know in my heart that I am not going to be willing to give them 100% of myself?

       The last time I knew I was ready to love was when I was still in South Carolina and loving Marcus.  I absolutely loved him, inside and out.  Even after I broke up with him, it wasn't because I didn't love him; it was because I needed to love ME again, more than I was loving him at that time.   But once I was single, I actually realized that not only did I love me...but I actually loved my OWN company and spending time with me on my own terms and not needing to smile in someone's face or cater to their happiness (outside of these grandbabies or my family)

    So I figured I'd be single for about 6 months or so and then would be ready to get back to dating.  I've always enjoyed the dating game; or at the least the booty game, lol.  Hey, gotta keep it 100!  Well, that was August 06 2016 when we broke up.  We have just entered a New Year...January of 2021.  And I'm STILL single.  I did put my foot into the date game back in 2018 and went on a few dates with an incredibly nice man..but I knew it wasn't good of me to continue because it was unfair to him.  He wanted way more from me than I was willing to give at that point in my life.  And I'll be damned if I am still not in that same point in my life.  I just cannot seem to get out of my head.

    I'm sure the situation in 2019 did not help any.  That put a barrier up that would probably take 100000 sticks of dynamite to knock down and then some.  My trust level is in the toilet as far as men go.  And then 2020 brought Covid.  As horrible as it has been, Covid has been a wonderful excuse for me to just stay in the house and not accept any invitations to spend a single moment with a male, lol.  Every time a man approaches me, whether it be online or in person its like *WHOAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!  STRANGER DANGER!!!!!   COVIDDDDDDDDDD, STAY AWAYYYYYY!*  2021 is supposed to be my year of transition.  This is the year that I plan to work on myself, mentally, physically, spiritually...the whole nine.  The woman you see today, will be an ENTIRELY different woman that you will see at the start of 2022, that's all I can say.  There will be blogging, journaling, podcasting, I've joined a woman's group, I'm writing my book, I'm going to work on my poetry...I'm going to work on my writing and communication, period.  I feel like I need to fully expunge any negativity or garbage out of my spirit and just release it in order to be a better me going forward.  So get ready 2021!  LOL...alright.  Let me get out here and spend a few dollars....this lil ass stimulus check...I need to pay on these credit cards, but I also want to buy a couple of things for the candle biz.  Get us some extra supplies.  

Monday, December 14, 2020

How Do You See Heaven

This is not fact, it's not fiction.....its just something I wrote....

How do you see Heaven?  I never used to be able to visualize Heaven.

I just saw the Pearly Whites; The Gates of Heaven

Our image of GOD, sitting there looking down at his scroll, deciding who he is letting in or who is going way back down.

But that was as far as I had ever imagined.

Until I started losing the people that I loved

And losing artists that I listened to

And pets that I have adored

When Auntie first passed away, I started coming closer as I would visit her

At first, I would visit her a lot, but always outdoors.  Usually sitting at the park

I needed to talk to her and hear her call me baby

I needed to tell her all about the things that were going on in my life

And how scared I was and how I didn’t know which way I was going to turn

And I would feel a hug wrap around me and hear her tell me that she would never let anything happen to me.  And I believed her.

But then something did happen.  Something horrible.  Something more horrible than anything I thought that I could ever return from.  And it was time for Aja to join Auntie in Heaven.  But I wasn’t ready.  I wasn’t ready for Aja to go to Heaven.  And if she was going to go to Heaven, then I was going to go to Heaven with her.  So I made a plan.  And I drove to Forest Acres at Rush hour.  When all of the traffic from the hospitals and Fort Jackson would be at its absolute worst.  And I pulled up to the red light.  And I saw the Big Rig.  And when the big Rigs light turned green on my red..I waited until he was about ⅓ way though the intersection and I closed my eyes, stepped on the gas and just drove forward into traffic.  I heard screeches, I heard tires, I heard brakes and then the car stopped.  I assumed I was dead.  I opened my eyes.  I looked to my right…..Auntie was sitting in the passenger side, looking at me crying and cutting her arms.  I looked down and Aja was sitting on my lap, holding the steering wheel..with her foot on the brake.  “It’s okay Mummy.  We’re gonna go to the hospital now, okay?”  And I did. 

And I listened and I did what I needed to do.   And after that, I began to visit Aja.  I shouldn’t have even worried about that girl.  The first person that I saw come up to her was her Grandmother Mickey.  And Aja smiled and laughed and they hugged so deeply and just held each other for the longest time, whispering to each other and laughing like schoolgirls.  I looked around and I realized that it doesn’t matter how you die….sickness, murder, trauma, old age….the moment that you step into Heaven….you are restored to your most beautiful and your happiest age, and it would never change.  You were in Paradise.  Perfect forever.

While Aja and Mickey were hugging, Aja got a tap on her shoulder and was lifted off her feet in a great big bear hug and spun was Erick “Biggie” Gaines, her Aunt Shay’s brother.  She gave him a big hug and jumped down to run over and give his Grandmother, Miss Bobbie a big hug.  Miss Bobbie looked beautiful..she looked like she was getting ready to go out to a party!  Biggie was being as flirty and silly as ever and let Aja know that his assigned role was to promote all the good Heaven parties.  I couldn’t believe there were parties in Heaven.  He said yes, just not any alcohol or drugs.

It seemed to me that all of the connected people or people that you knew or were related to somehow, all seemed to live in close proximity to each other.  Nobody seemed to be thinking about bills or rent or Heaven, everything is taken care of for you.

I looked up and my eyes welled up immediately.  Sitting over in a grassy area, surrounded by dozens of attentive faces were George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, Trayvon Martin, Rayshard Brooks, Daniel Prude, Atatiana Jefferson, Sandra Bland, Botham Jean, Philandro Castille, Alton Sterling, Freddie Gray, Eric Garner, Akai Gurley, Tamir Rice and Michael Brown.  But there was no sadness, no anger!  These beautiful men, women and children were there leading and mentoring and organizing young people.  Helping them to get involved in activities that would stimulate their brains...poetry slams, debate teams, writing groups, community newspapers.

I followed Aja around, still trying to find out what she had been assigned to do.  Every adult had a special assignment.  Sudden;y, we got to a huge , oversized Victorian home that  easily had 25 rooms.  She stopped before opening the door and suddenly the most peaceful smile came over her face.  She turned to me.  “It’s okay Mummy.  Really.Don’t you see?  I really AM in Heaven now!  This big old house is all mine!  They take care of it for me.  I don’t pay any bills.  I tell them what food I need, and the same day...all the cabinets are filled to the top with anything I could ever want Mummy!   And guess what?  All the babies and little ones and all the kitties...they are all for me!”  And we walked in and Aja was immediately surrounded by a rainbow of so many smiling small faces and babies and children.  All wanting to love on her and tell her about their morning.

You see, every single baby, small child, young child that passes matter how...Aja has been assigned to be there to greet them the moment they pass through and to take them home.  It doesn’t matter how they died, the moment they reach Aja, they are made precious and perfect forever again.  The same goes for all of the kittens and cats.  And Heaven just keeps on adding more rooms onto that big old house to accommodate everybody.  The backyard has gotta be about 5 acres, with every toy and plaything you can think of.    There are lots of other people assigned to help with the children, but this is Aja’s house and she runs it.  Everybody knows that those are Aja’s babies and they will stay with her forever.

Oh, and Auntie has a set of rooms at the house too.  But she is out at either the Bingo parlor or at one of Heavens big card games 7 days a week.  And grabbing scratch tickets on her way back and forth.  And because this is Heaven, she has been winning on everything and is now a Heaven Billionaire.  The only thing she is unhappy about is the No Smoking rule in Heaven.  She hasn’t smoked since she got here.  HE has eyes everywhere.

And this is how I see Heaven when I visit Aja and Auntie in my heart.  I visited Aja tonight to ask her to tell one of my friends to come on back, its not her time to cross over.  I need her to continue fighting for her life.  So Aja, come thru for me