Up In My Feelings

I wasn't sure what to call this blog.  Nothing really describes what my feelings are right now...which is why I finally said...Im just up in my feelings. 

There is so much going on with my child.  I won't go into all of it, but the broad overview is that I parent a child who is diagnosed severely bipolar.  I'm not revealing any secret by saying that.  I've tried to teach her that her diagnosis is nothing to be ashamed of..it is a medical diagnosis and she is living with it as best as she can.

Right now, I am just so.....angry.  Angry, hurt, sad, disappointed, frustrated, overwhelmed...just...tired.  I think I've kinda fooled myself into thinking "this bipolar thing is not that big a deal..if I don't pay it a whole lot of attention, it doesn't exist"  "No excuses...I don't want her to excuse any of her behaviors" And then well-meaning, but still incorrect people add in their opinions.."she is just spoiled" "you are babying her" Blah blah fukkin blah.  And during the last few days, it's been so clear to me just how.....fragile...my child is. 

Of all things, I think that is the scariest revelation for me.  After parenting 2 children who didn't have it easy, but who have that natural fighters spirit in them, I realize that this one..her spirit is so fragile.  And it hurts me to know how deeply she hurts, and just how absolutely terrified she has become of the world.  And it hurts me to my very core that I cannot "fix" this.  I'm so used to being the nurterer, the protector and "fixer" for everyone.  And to be faced with something that is so completely out of my control...it is devastating.  It brings back the feelings I felt when my son was diagnosed with cancer at 6 months old and immediately went into surgery and chemotherapy.  As a parent...I was supposed to be able to take away the booboo's..just kiss them away.  To hug my baby and make everything bad go away.  And when we can't...there is no way to describe that fear and pain and just...sorrow. 

Most of us are just naturally fighters...we learn to have tough skin, to stand up for ourselves and to push our way through obstacles.  We read stories about people who have become lost in their pain and the hurt becomes so overwhelming that they don't feel they can go on.  And we think.."why can't they just get OVER it??"  And now I UNDERSTAND.  As a matter of fact...I OVERstand.

Anyway...I don't know what I actually started off this blog to say.  Just got a lot on my mind and on my spirit right now.