So You Think You Know Me?

Understanding me is a losing battle!  I confuse my own damn self and yet...it all makes perfect sense to me ...probably why Ill be single til Im 99!  On Monday I love you and never wanna lose you , Tuesday you burped or farted and annoyed me and became unattractive , Wednesday you stole a jelly belly jelly bean when I wasnt looking and Im ready to stab you with a spork, Thursday I miss the hell outta you and need you back in my life and would probably marry you if you stopped by the Justice (see example hubbies 1&2 from my past), Friday I saw some big, tatted, bearded dude walking by and and he caught my eye, Saturday Ive deleted your number and am texting with big, tatted, bearded dude without so much as a goodbye nukka *DEUCES* to you ...Sunday, I don't wanna be bothered ever again in life and want to move away and live in a bunker.  Welcome to the mind and heart of Lisa.  To know me is to either love the hell outta me or want to punch me in the throat with brass knuckles.  Sometimes both on the same day.

I Release You. Rest In Peace Jeremy Mickens

I'll never understand how you could take away the air I breathe and one of the only loves of my life Jeremy.  But I forgive you babe.  Because I know the love that Aja had for you as a person and she would be sad if I didnt forgive you.  My family and friends may never understand my forgiveness, but if Allah can forgive me, I can forgive you.  Insha Allah, I  pray that you rest with the Angels and your heart is no longer hurting Jeremy Mickens.  Be at Peace now #RestinParadise #TryingtoHeal #Ireleaseyou #JeremyMickens #AngelsforAja #AjaDawnRobinson #June13

June 8, 2015

I have finally reached the week that I have been dreading for the last few months…the week approaching the 1 year marker.

Rationally, I can tell myself that I will simply put one foot in front of the other and get thru that day much the same as I have gotten thru every other painful day.   But man, when I tell you…EVERY fiber of my being is crying out, every beat of my heart wants to be the last beat, I close my eyes to shelter myself from the images in my head but they just get more vivid.  I block my ears, but I can’t stop hearing Aja crying out for me. 

I think about and already miss the grandbabies that will never be born of Aja, or the husband she will never marry, the college she will never graduate from, the first house she will never get a chance to celebrate.  I miss the girly giggles between Aja, Michelle and Mani late at night.  The relentless teasing poor Aaron had to put up with.  Aja climbing up into my bed to snuggle with me, or walking in my room with all of her nail supplies..announcing she was doing my nails.  Even her walking in and demanding that I lay down so she could *clean up these ugly a** eyebrows*

Everyone says all of this will lessen with time.  I don’t know how that can be possible.  I don’t think the pain will do anywhere.  I just find different ways to navigate it and to accept the pain, welcome it home like an old friend and understand…the depth of my pain is simply a reflection of the depth of the love that I continue to have for Aja.