June 8, 2015

I have finally reached the week that I have been dreading for the last few months…the week approaching the 1 year marker.

Rationally, I can tell myself that I will simply put one foot in front of the other and get thru that day much the same as I have gotten thru every other painful day.   But man, when I tell you…EVERY fiber of my being is crying out, every beat of my heart wants to be the last beat, I close my eyes to shelter myself from the images in my head but they just get more vivid.  I block my ears, but I can’t stop hearing Aja crying out for me. 

I think about and already miss the grandbabies that will never be born of Aja, or the husband she will never marry, the college she will never graduate from, the first house she will never get a chance to celebrate.  I miss the girly giggles between Aja, Michelle and Mani late at night.  The relentless teasing poor Aaron had to put up with.  Aja climbing up into my bed to snuggle with me, or walking in my room with all of her nail supplies..announcing she was doing my nails.  Even her walking in and demanding that I lay down so she could *clean up these ugly a** eyebrows*

Everyone says all of this will lessen with time.  I don’t know how that can be possible.  I don’t think the pain will do anywhere.  I just find different ways to navigate it and to accept the pain, welcome it home like an old friend and understand…the depth of my pain is simply a reflection of the depth of the love that I continue to have for Aja.