What's Age Got To Do Wit It?

Everything Booboo.

I know that the last couple of years, the phase seems to be these super young cats chasing older women..the "cougars", but I will be be SOOOO happy when the phase passes. Let me preface that by saying, yep..I've dated some younger guys..so I know some of them can be appealing. BUTTTTTTTT...this new phase, it seems like these lil boys are getting younger and younger. And I'm sorry but, I have NO plans to raise any more children.

Anywhoo....I usually try to keep it light when the youngins approach me. *I'm sorry Sweety, but my KIDS are older than you* And then comes the inevitable *Whats age got to do wit it?* Umm...EVERYTHING Booboo.

Let's discuss. There are the obvious differences:

Im a grown ass woman, with grown ass woman issues. I have been married, divorced, married, divorced again, had children, raised children, dealt with life changing challenges and health issues, started careers, paid grown ass woman bills, build grown ass woman debt, etc.

You have MAYBE moved from your parents house and into a dorm room. Maybe you have had a lil part time job or done work study. Umm...thats it.

Then you get the inevitable...*I'm mature for my age. I always dated older women* I don't care...you ain't never dated MY old ass!! There are certain things about a woman over a certain age, that just are not gonna be understood by someone that young. Yeah, they can empathize, but until they have LIVED to a certain age, you will never understand:  aging body issues,  high blood pressure, being afraid to sneeze cough or laugh, hearing fading, teeth getting weaker, can't eat fast food anymore, feet swelling, hair turning grey...OTHER hair turning grey!!!  Etc etc....  So miss me with that.

Clarity

Isn't clarity a beautiful thing? This last week has been filled with plenty for me. Clarity for what is important, what's not, WHO is important and who's not. There's something about sitting up in a hospital bed for a few days that really makes you go within yourself to look at some things in your life.

I've come to realize that I give certain people WAY too much credit and importance in my life. Thankfully, I've always been able to recognize the GOOD people that I am surrounded by..thats never been an issue. I have some AWESOME people in my circle. But I just realize that I've allowed people who add absolutely no value to my life and who can only be found in god times to remain on the friends list.

A real eye opener..I had Aja text someone who I've been building with and spending time with to tell him I was being admitted to the hospital. His reply? *Oh kay...tell her to hit me up when she gets home* Ummm....scuse nukka? Orrrr...let me talk about a certain someone who's been in my life the last 4 years...who begs for another chance since he royally screwed up the first chance. I was admitted into the hospital with my lungs shutting down..important stuff. Have not heard even a *get well soon* from him. BUH BYE baby. These are just examples..please believe, I don't expect people to drop their busy schedles and jump to be by my side. But, there were certain people who I kinda would have appreciated knowing they cared. On the other hand..there were some who surprised me with how quick they jumped up and wanted to be there for me. I truly love and appreciate the people in my life. THANK YOU ALL!!!! Okay, that was my little vent. Sorry for the negativity..but it truly is actually a positive. I have some clarity and I love it. Now it's time to go make some important deletions.

Long Lost Writings aka A Forgotten Piece of Me

So my Mom ( the family historian) just emailed me these poems that frankly, Id forgotten that I wrote. It really took me back though...to a sort of forgotten...or maybe purposely neglected painful part of my life. And I wasn't going to share them. But my good friend Tee urged me to, saying the words may touch someone else. So, with no further ado....I present...a piece of my inner thoughts. Im posting from my phone, so please forgive the posting errors. There are 4 poems..hopefully, this will break between them.


Tonight I lay in my bed listening.. Listening to the sounds of a woman. She screams, this woman. Somebody’s mother, sister, daughter, lover. I listen as she screams. Screams for all of the things that were..but will never be again.

She remembers.

Remembers, perhaps, the first time she touched the little brown face and looked into his eyes. She remembers those first tiny steps, the first cry of “Mama” ..she remembers the baby. She remembers the tears on the morning he began school, and the laughter as he returned home.

Maybe she cries for the times of pain –cries for the bruises, skinned knees, maybe even broken bones. All of which will heal in time.

She cries for the boy.

Maybe she cries for the pains that will not heal. For the time that her child, who has been loved and adored from birth, came home and asked, “Mama, what is a nigger”

She cries for the time that his heart has been broken. He is becoming a man.

She cries for the anger and frustration he feels. And then she cries again.

She cries for the simple irony of it all. That someone who came out of an act so beautiful, so tender and loving, could be taken away in an act so ugly, so violent and hateful!

He will never hear the cries. He was someone’s father, brother, son and lover. He can never be again.

She cries for she knows this. He has been taken away. Never again to be held, kissed, caressed.

Tonight I lay in my bed listening to the cries of a woman. It is me, and I cry for all of the mothers.




JUST BECAUSE

Why do things happen the way they do

Just because…. I’ve learned many things, some easy, some hard. I’ve come close to quitting, but I’ve come too far. I have too much to work for, too much to gain. I’ve learned that people will hate you, hurt you, love you, want you, need you, but beat you. This comes for many reasons. But mostly, “just because.”

Just because: I am black. Just because: I am a woman Just because: I am poor Just because: I am strong. Just because: I am only who I am and cannot be anyone else.

If you think about it, anything that has happened to me is because of all of these things.

I am a strong black woman. For this reason I have been hated, loved, hurt, adored, cherished, beaten, caressed, brought down, and held high above others in pride.

I can’t give up. Because the same things people hate me for, I LOVE me for.



TO MY DAUGHTER

This is to you. My beautiful queen. I’m writing to tell you of all of my dreams. I have so many, I want them for you. For you to achieve them, to yourself be true. Never be less than you know you can be. Let your spirit stay strong. Let your mind stay free. Never let any one put down your goals. For once they can do that, they own your soul. Be careful to care, to love, to trust. But follow your heart. To find love, you must. In order to learn love, you must learn pain. It seems like the only way you can gain. By pain, I mean heartache, not pain in your bones. If a man hits you once, please leave him alone. Love should make you happy, calm and at ease. Not shameful, unhappy, or jumping to please. You’ll know when you have the love that you seek. Your heartbeat grows faster, your knees will go weak. I want so much more, my wonderful child. For you, I want everything. For you to be proud. Be proud of yourself, of your mind, of your power. You’re strong as a bull, as beautiful as a flower.



Who Am I ?

Who am I? You asked me that today. I told you what I thought you’d like to hear. I gave the easy answers…. Who am I? Well..

I’m Sara’s daughter, I'm Bee and Steph's lil sister.  With the BIG lil brothers, haha.  I said I’m divorced.  A single mom of 3 I used to be married to _____ I started to speak again; but you stopped me, “No…who are YOU?”

So, I searched a little deeper “Who am I?” Hmmm…well… I’m that chick from around the way.  You know…that redbone who lives up at #687. The one with them bad ass little boys…and the son who draws so well,  I'm the one whose daughter was killed.  Yeah...that was my daughter...Thanks.  I’m that chick that’s always cookin’ ; anytime you visit, there’s always something on the stove. I’m that chick that’s always reading. Trying to find the next thing to learn If pain in our lives teaches us…by now, I should be a scholar. I’ve seen sooo damn much. I’m that chick that all your boys talk about, “Damn..you got a good woman.” But you still treat me like some IG Thot.. Running in and out, coming as you please.

But as soon as I turn my back to leave…here YOU GO...fallin on your knees. I’m that chick you hear on the mic..singing loud and strong, Longing for the times when I can be heard as clearly …OFF stage I’m that chick …who still fights to go forward. Even when life seems to keep Pushing me back. Who tries to “KEEP HOPE ALIVE” when all along, my heart and hope has died.

So, when you ask me, “Who am I?” I’m that chick.. I’m that chick.. I’m THAT chick.. Stressin’, fightin’, lovin’, laughing, struggling, singing, sexin’, feelin’, growing, living, maintaining and screaming’

All of these words describe me. I can’t tell you who “I” am Every day I am someone new..so let me ask..”Who are YOU?

Observations From My Sickbed

Soooo...I've been on bedrest since Monday because of a particularly nasty episode of my Sciatic nerve..or however it's spelled. All I know is...that mickeefickee HURTS. And as we all know...anytime I have too much time on my hands..and just the right amount of good drugs :) I gits to thinkin' a bunch of random shit. Like: I just got home from the library...damn, I miss being able to jump in the car and go to the library one a week. But I did find an awesome cd today. 

I am sitting here listening to it and thinking *My Mom is gonna LOVE this cd if she has never heard it before* Bobby Womack singing some very old gospel songs. Right now, he is singing *It Is Well* and I swear, I'm about to catch the Holy Ghost. 

I've been unable to pretty much do anything except sleep since Monday..literally..can't stand up, can't walk, etc...Errrm..why have my kids fed me a total of ONE time? That was on Monday. Please Lawd Jesus...when I become an invalid old woman..don't leave me with my children!! I've been stuck on my bed like it's Survivor Island...going on scavenger hunts for food that I've had hidden in my room. Thank goodness I'm such a greedy bitch and had food in my room. I've survived off a pound of twizzlers, a huge bag of Doritos, a bag of Oreos and a bottle of ginger ale. 

I like this muscle relaxer/Percocet combo...alot. But I don't like the side effects...it's giving me dry mouth so bad that my tongue and lips have been splitting. I didn't even know your tongue COULD dry out!! That's some new shit for me. I am getting WAY too bored and need to get back to work. Last night I spent 2.5 hrs straight trying to unscrew the barbells on my piercings so that I could change the earrings. 2.5 HOURS..and still never got them unscrewed. 

 Apparently, the piercer must have the strongest freakin fingers in the world, because all I did was blister up my fingers and give myself sore piercing spots from trying. I then spent over an hour peeling the sunburn on my legs. Who knows what fun I'll get into today when I get bored, lol.  I took a dose of Percocet and Muscle Relaxer about 30 minutes ago and I can feel it starting to work through me (Get this nice warm and tingly kinda feeling and a stupid smile on my face), so forgive me if I start having typos or typing something weird. I'm trying to catch the mistakes as I make them though. 

My feet look terrible. Thatisall..I'm looking at my feet and realizing that I need a pedicure. Like a month ago. My feet look like I've been soaking them in a bowl of flour. Talking about those damn Doritos got me hungry for some...but I think they are all gone. Damn. I really did have an actual topic I was planning to blog about today...but I forgot what it was. I'll come back if I can ever remember what it was.

These Are My Confessions

It's time for me to clear my spirit...I have many new confessions. So in no apparent order: 

It's time for me to finally own up to what I am...all of my friends have been calling me out on it for years, and I guess I was kinda sorta in denial. But *exhale* Okay, here goes. I...Lisa...am sort of a Male Booty Conneisseur. I really do try to control the urge to look, but its like...when a fine man walks by....the booty be callin me man. ((Lisaaaaaa, Lisaaaaaa!!!!)) and I have to look. Whew..I feel SO much better now. 

I confess..I may be better off single. My relationship lifespan seems to have gotten shorter recently. Seems like after a week or two, one lil thing annoys me and then another lil thing...and pretty soon, the way your eyelashes blink makes me wanna drive a stake through your left eyeball and I know I have lost interest. 

I took my Shahada years ago and definitely have a love for Allah...BUT...that swine be callin me still. Man...there are times I wanna just eat a whole damn pig. I know I can't, but like Pooky in New Jack...that po'k be callin me man. 

I come up with the most AMAZING blog ideas when I am on my way home...whether in the car or on the bus. And it never fails that I forget what the idea was by the time I get home. 

I admit...I accept my male friend requests partly based on how sexy there are. Damn...there, I said it. 

People think I am this like...social butterfly. But in all honesty, while I enjoy being around people for a lil while..I'm really antisocial. EVERYONE annoys me at some point. 

I spent 10.00 on loose candy at Mast General Store. That is the lowest amount of money that I've ever spent on candy there. I just ate 3.00 worth of original red swedish fish. No...really. AND a king size strawberry Charleston Chew. IJS And I just gave Aaron 20.00 to go to Taco Bell with and bring back dinner. Gonna be an uhh....aromatic house this evening. 

Oh, and prior to checking out the male booty...I generally do check the package too. IJS 

I stopped typing long enough to eat some cheesy potatoes and a chicken burrito. I'm done now...and my stomach is already singing a bad song. 

The man who doesn't annoy me after a week..is probably gonna be my next husband.  

I really have lost interest in American Idol now that they unfairly booted Joshua Ledet. 

Okay....I've lost my train of thought and I've gone blank, so I'm ending my confessions now.

American Idol Top 2

I think my love of AI has finally run it’s course. I’ve just tired of the push to put certain people through. It’s like it is set up and they know who will be the winner from the get go. And the ones that they intend to go through…you hear them always praising. And the ones they don’t… they find a reason to criticize.

They know who they want to push into the top 10 and therefore into the Summer AI Tour…who will sell seats and who won’t. My friend wants us to go to see the tour, but truthfully…between all that country music and the fact that I KNOW AI will pimp Joshua out (c’mon…we all know who they will have headlining, even though he didn’t win..because truthfully…while I’d watch a Jessica or Phillip video for a few minutes..they are most boring performers I have seen in forever) I dont really want to show support to AI. I would seriously buy tix to a Joshua concert TODAY, buy the cd, buy the concert tix, go to a in-store meet n greet…you name it. He has that IT thing that makes him connect to music, to people, etc. He has superstar written all over him. Philip has indie label/1-2 cd lifespan written all over him, Jessica has Tommy Mottola and Svengali written all over her. She will be groomed by the best and will have great success and we will care about her about as much as we care about the dirt that is behind the toilet… memorable voice, but not a memorable person. Maybe with some years she will..but now…MEH. Joshua on the other hand…you want to have over for dinner, have as a fb friend, go to family reunions and cookouts with…you just fall in love with him as a person AND as a performer.

100 Important Questions to ask a potential spouse

I found this on a site that I frequently refer to and thought the questions were awesome; so I thought I'd share them with my friends.

100 questions to ask a potential spouse!
(1) What makes him angry and how does he deal with his anger?
(2) Does he ever forgive those with whom he was angry?
(3) How does he behave during a crisis?
(4) How does he feel about women's rights in a Muslim home?
(5) How does he make decisions? Does he rely on his own wisdom? Does he consult with close friends?
(6) he be willing to consult with his spouse on any decision?
(7) Does he stick firmly to his decisions?
(8) How does he deal with money matters?
(9) Does he save his money for the future?
(10) Does he give money to charities? When he decides to buy something, will he consult his spouse in making the decision?
(11) How does he describe his own spending and attitude towards money?
(12) What does he expect from his wife and children?
(13) How would he react if his expectations are not met?
(14) What is his vision of family life?
(15) Would he pitch in and co-operate in family chores and the upbringing of children?
(16) Would he be willing to change to accommodate your views?
(17) What are his family like?
(18) Are his family religious, or will you be the only one in hijab?
(19) Does their approach to Islam differ from yours - will you be the only "fundamentalists" in a family whose Islam is more "traditional"?
(20) If this is a mixed match, are his folks open to outsiders, or will you face clannishness and exclusion?
(21) What is his medical background?
(22) Maybe just leave as have you been in a physical relationship before outside of marriage?
(23) Do you agree on the "halal meat" issue - some people will only eat halal-slaughtered meat, whilst others will eat any "meat of the Jews and Christians" as long as it's not pork.
(24) Does he insist on only eating the food of his own ethnic group, or are his tastes more eclectic?
(25) Will he insist on having every meal cooked from scratch, or will you be able to have convenience food or take-away on busy days?
(26) Does he have some strong preferences for meat, or will you "go vegetarian" some days?
(27) Does he smoke? Do any of his family or friends smoke? Will he let people smoke in your non-smoking home?
(28) How does he feel about women going outside the home? studying outside? working outside? (29) What is the role of religion in your life now?
(30). Are you a spiritual person?
(31). What is your understanding of an Islamic marriage?
(32). What are you expecting of your spouse, religiously?
(33). What is your relationship between yourself and the Muslims community in your area?
(34). Are you volunteering in any Islamic activities?
(35). What can you offer your zawj (spouse), spiritually?
(36). What is the role of the husband?
(37). What is the role of the wife?
(38). Do you want to practice polygamy?
(39). What is your relationship with your family?
(40). What do you expect your relationship with the family of your spouse to be?
(41). What do you expect your spouses relationship with your family to be?
(42). . Is there anyone in your family living with you now?
(43). Are you planning to have anyone in your family live with you in the future?
(44). If, for any reason, my relationship with your family turns sour, what should be done?
(45). Who are your friends? (Identify at least three.)
(46). How did you get to know them?
(47). Why are they your friends?
(48). What do you like most about them?
(49). What will your relationship with them after marriage be?
(50). Do you have friends of the opposite sex?
(51). What is the level of your relationship with them now?
(52). What will be the level of your relationship with them after marriage?
(53). What type of relationship do you want your spouse to have with your friends?
(54). What are the things that you do in your free time?
(55). Do you love to have guests in your home for entertainment?
(56). What are you expecting from your spouse when your friends come to the house?
(57). What is your opinion of speaking other languages in home that I do not understand? (with friends or family)
(58). Do you travel?
(59). How do you spend your vacations?
(60). How do you think your spouse should spend vacations?
(61). Do you read?
(62). What do you read?
(63). After marriage, do you think that you are one to express romantic feelings verbally?
(64). How do you express your admiration for someone that you know now?
(65). How do you express your feelings to someone who has done a favour for you?
(66). Do you like to write your feelings?
(67). If you wrong someone, how do you apologize?
(68). If someone has wronged you, how do you want (s)he to apologize to you?
(69). How much time passes before you can forgive someone?
(70). How do you make important and less important decisions in your life?
(71). Do you use foul language at home? In public? With family?
(72). Do your friends use foul language?
(73). How do you express anger?
(74). How do you expect your spouse to express anger?
(75). What do you do when you are angry?
(76). When do you think it is appropriate to initiate mediation in marriage?
(77). When there is a dispute in your marriage, religious or otherwise, how should the conflict get resolved?
(78). Define mental, verbal, emotional and physical abuse.
(79). Do you suffer from any chronic disease or condition?
(80). What is your understanding of proper health and nutrition?
(81). How do you support your own health and nutrition?
(82). What is you definition of wealth?
(83). How do you spend money?
(84). How do you think that your use of money will change after marriage?
(85). Do you have any debts now? If so, how are you making progress to eliminate them?
(86). Do you use credit cards?
(87). Do you support the idea of taking loans to buy a new home?
(88). What are you expecting from your spouse financially?
(89). What is your financial responsibility in the marriage?
(90). Do you support the idea of a working wife?
(91). If so, how do you think a dual-income family should manage funds?
(92). Do you currently use a budget to manage your finances?
(93). Who are the people to whom you are financially responsible?
(94). Do you support the idea of utilizing baby sitters and/or maids?
(95). Do you want to have children? If not, how come?
(96). To the best of your understanding, are you able to have children?
(97). Do you want to have children in the first two years of marriage? If not, when?
(98). Do you believe in abortion and use of contraception?
(99). Do you have children now?
(100). What is your relationship with your children now?
(101). What is your relationship with their other parent?
(102). What relationship do you expect your spouse to have with your children and their parent? (102). What is the best method(s) of raising children?
(103). What is the best method(s) of disciplining children?
(104). How were you raised?
(105). How were you disciplined?
(106). Do you believe in spanking children? Under what circumstances?
(107). Do you believe in public school for your children?
(108) . Do you believe in Islamic school for your children?
(109) . Do you believe in home schooling for your children?
(110). What type of relationship should your children have with non-Muslim classmates/friends? (111). Would you send your children to visit their extended family if they lived in another state or country?
(112). What type of relationship do you want your children to have with all their grandparents? (113). If there are members of my family that are not Muslim, that are of different race or culture, what type of relationship do you want to have with them?

You asked.....

So, it's been a week and folks are still asking me about my rahhhther ummm....short trip to Atlanta last week. So I figured I'd finally tell the story. I think the story is longer than the trip actaully was!

So, for the last few months, I've been rebuilding a friendship with someone who I'd been seeing briefly about a year ago (Malik). Nothing major..just working on the friendship, since we didn't exactly part as friends. Anyway....Malik has been dealing with some things and asked me to come to Atlanta for a few days as a friend...because that's what he needed. I'd like to think that I'm an okay friend (and I knew I could get some great ass in the process. WHAT??? That's what rebuilding with exes is for!!)...so okay. Its about a 4 hr drive to Atlanta, so I packed my bag and loaded it into the car, so that I could leave directly after work on Friday. And of course..there were like Tornado warnings and bad storms on Friday..of course. Friday after work, I battle the Columbia rush hour traffic...which may not sound bad, but is HORRIFIC on the highway...add in a storm and folks really lose their mind. Itw as about then that I realized I need new windshield wiper blades as well. But I was NOT to be deterred!!!! I sat in traffic, staring at my way too watery windshield and slowly inched my way toward Atlanta.

Slowly fast forward to Atlanta....very slowly. Now, backstory...only had about 2 hrs of sleep Thursday night, so I was good n tired all day at work. By the time I am on the highway to Atlanta, I am wiped OUT. Add to the fact that I just can't drive highway at night to begin with (NO night vision); yeah that sorta tells you that was a LONG drive for me. I FINALLY arrive at my destination. Malik is looking good and we go inside and sit down and start talking. I'm thinking cool....ole boy is looking rather delicious here...this weekend is gonna be GOOD!! And he starts telling me about everything that has been going on....and on....and on.....and on. He talked for an hour STRAIGHT...and because I was already wiped out...welp....that was like a dose of Nyquil, Sominex and Valiuum all rolled into one. I fell into a deep sleep that rivaled a coma. You keeping score?...that's still ZERO ass for Lisa. Slept straight through the night...no...seriously.

Next morning...it's about 8. Malik and I are sound asleep...I dunno what started waking me up...but I was slowly coming out of my comasleep...And I hear a sound....apparently Malik hears it too because he jumps up like he is on fire *WTF??!!* Andddddddddd....in walks who I later find out is an ex....using a key she'd stolen from him the previous week. Normally I'd hear that and say YEH RIGHT...but seeing as she actually admitted it while she was standing there and Malik kept screaming about *GET THE FU*K OUTTA MY HOUSE YOU CRAZY B**CH!!!* , I sorta believe that story. Anywayyyyyyyy....ole girl and Malik get into a screaming match..he's yelling at her to get out and never come back...she's screaming that she wasn't going anywhere, etc. Im sitting there watching this entire thing like it's not really happening...Errmm...awkward.

They are out in the living room and it is escalating badly by now, so I decide...hmm..lemme get dressed now...because if ole girl decides she wants to get froggy...I need some JUMP clothes on, not sleep clothes. While I'm getting dressed; Malik returns to the room *what the f*ck are you doing???* he says. *Umm...SCUSE??* because I'm not understanding the hostility toward ME. I said *Umm...I'm putting some clothes on* Now..I reiterate..I was just getting dressed in case ole girl decided to turn some aggression my way (she never did) Malik then starts screaming on ME *oh..what, you gonna leave now?? FINE!!! Fu** it...get the fu** on then!!!!!* And yanked my cellphone and charger out of the wall and throw them onto the bed and grabs my bag and throws that too.

As you can imagine...this did NOT go over very well with Lisa. I very calmly say *Umm Malik..it appears that you have some things going on that you may need to deal with here....and for whatever reason...you are getting funky with me...so I'm gonna leave* He cusses me out and storms out of the room. Next I hear some big crash...I look up and Malik has tried to PHYSICALLY put the ex out the front door...and failed (she is a BIIIIG girl) and they proceed to get into a physical altercation that rivals Tyson and Holyfield in the Pay Per View days. Finally, the brawl moves OUTSIDE and they storm off somewhere in her car. I'm still in the house, but I'm thinking *L...this would be a good time to make ya move* And I leave and get in my car. As I'm driving away, they are driving BACK and we pass each others cars...they are in the car brawling!!! That is ENTIRELY too much drama for ya girl L.

Sooooooo....I'm now pissed. My GPS is taking me on the scenic route back to the highway...all through Stone Mountain, which by the way is an awesomely pretty area. Before I get back on the highway, I say *lemme get something to eat and some coffee* The only place nearby is Waffle House. Anybody who knows me knows I cannot STAND Waffle House. But I try to keep it positive and I go in anyway. That was the coldest, nastiest food EVER...but the itty bitty little ass cups of coffee were good. I think I had about 16 of those. The entire time I am trying to force enough food past my lips to keep my blood sugar up, my phone is blowing UP. I mean, calls, texts...Malik is working hard. I ignore all calls and texts and make my way to the highway.....and home I came!

The End!!!! Aren't you glad you asked. Alla that and STILL no ass! I mean, I could have at least gotten some consolation booty!!

I gotta work on this whole self control thing

So, I'm learning a few things about myself.  But the most important one would be that I apparently have like NO self control.  I mean, I have a lil...but it ain't much.

So, as you all know...or some of you know...I had a stroke back in November 2011.  So, I left the hospital with this whole *Its Time For Change!!* attitude.  Man..lifestyle change was in FULL effect.  For about a week.

I mean, I'm saying...I TRIED!!!  I downloaded an app that allowed me to enter my height, weight (okay...so I wasn't COMPLETELY honest in that entry), age, etc and it would give me a daily calorie goal and track all of my food intake, exercise, etc.  And for a week...man I was ON IT.  I learned quickly that I undereat for the most part, and its been hindering me.  I need to be eating 5 small meals instead of eating this big breakfast and then not eating the rest of the day.  But I just have no appetite for food the rest of the day.  I'm gonna work on it though.

Soooooo...then I said as a Muslim, I am going to start praying more often and making sure to stay away from ALL pork, because I haven't been doing very well in either.  Ummm....so yeah....I'm sorta still working on that whole piece.

Which leads me to this whole bbq craze I've been on recently.  Have no idea why, but I've been craving bbq sandwiches.  I'll stop by Big T's on the way home from work and buy myself a little sandwich for dinner.  Butttttttttttttttt...I have a secret confession to make.  One of my coworkers went out for lunch and brought me back a bbq sandwich from.....*hanging head* Maurices.  And I ate it *hanging head further*  And it was good *drops head to the floor*.  Now...for those outside of SC who are unaware; "OUR" community doesn't eat at Maurices.  We are not exactly welcome there...so as an entire community...we stay away.  Yeah...I know...I have disgraced the entire community.  But dammit...that cue was callin me man!!!!  I'm gon' do better though.  I promise.  No....seriously...I will.  I'm sorry!!!!!!!!!!

Then I said I was gonna stay celibate.  No.....seriously, lol.  I will.  Soon.  Not REAL soon.  But soon

Oh...and I joined a gym!  And I go.  Sometimes.  I even work out and have fun doing it.  Until I get distracted and then I start staring at the machines and head back home.  And eat.  I'm sorry...working out makes me hungry!!

And I swore I was gonna diet...and then Aaron gifted me with like a 10 lb bag of Jelly Belly Jelly Beans :|  And I did still diet.  But I also ate those damn Jelly Belly's.  Just in smaller handfuls.  It took me a minute to finish the bag too.  Way longer than the day it would have taken me in the past.

*oooooh...had to stop typing for a minute...my brother J made me breakfast in bed...mmmhmmmm...Now I'm back*

So anyway... yeah, about that whole self control thing.  Ughhhh....I'll continue once I feel less full.

*Exhale*

ooooooooh, I got my baby back!!!! No more viruses, no more janky keyboard. So after a few months away, I am BACK bitches!!!!

This will be random, but dammit...so am I and Ive got a MULTITUDE of shyt on my brain

Our President Obama singing Al Green at the Apollo...I dunno about the rest of you, but that shyt was SOOOOOOOO freakin sexy to me!!!! Oh...Raky woulda got da birthday bidness that night at home.

I need to create a new FILF list...I see some guys I need to make my next Ex

Stop confusing my single status with *Will settle for any old thing* Noooooooo...THAT is why I am single...because I WON'T settle. I don't have list of shyt a man must have or do...but I damn sure have a list of shyt he better not think about having or doing.

I forgot my next thought...my mind went back to the FILF's.

I'm getting REALLY tired of bitchassness and straight rachetness in "men". That shyt is so not attractive. Its ugly in a woman, but in a man it is just straight ridiculous.

I need to come up with a couple of blogs I think, because otherwise, this one will be 20 pages long and filled to capacity with completely random thoughts that make no sense.

I am soooooo looking forward to my first trip to Baltimore in years....I truly need to reconnect with Dawn and Julius and friends who I've talked about seeing for years and still haven't. A few folks have made me reconsider whether I even have any interest in seeing them though.

Hmm.....back to the FILF's


I need a new *He could get it* list....