Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Up In My Feelings

I wasn't sure what to call this blog.  Nothing really describes what my feelings are right now...which is why I finally said...Im just up in my feelings. 

There is so much going on with my child.  I won't go into all of it, but the broad overview is that I parent a child who is diagnosed severely bipolar.  I'm not revealing any secret by saying that.  I've tried to teach her that her diagnosis is nothing to be ashamed of..it is a medical diagnosis and she is living with it as best as she can.

Right now, I am just so.....angry.  Angry, hurt, sad, disappointed, frustrated, overwhelmed...just...tired.  I think I've kinda fooled myself into thinking "this bipolar thing is not that big a deal..if I don't pay it a whole lot of attention, it doesn't exist"  "No excuses...I don't want her to excuse any of her behaviors" And then well-meaning, but still incorrect people add in their opinions.."she is just spoiled" "you are babying her" Blah blah fukkin blah.  And during the last few days, it's been so clear to me just how.....fragile...my child is. 

Of all things, I think that is the scariest revelation for me.  After parenting 2 children who didn't have it easy, but who have that natural fighters spirit in them, I realize that this one..her spirit is so fragile.  And it hurts me to know how deeply she hurts, and just how absolutely terrified she has become of the world.  And it hurts me to my very core that I cannot "fix" this.  I'm so used to being the nurterer, the protector and "fixer" for everyone.  And to be faced with something that is so completely out of my control...it is devastating.  It brings back the feelings I felt when my son was diagnosed with cancer at 6 months old and immediately went into surgery and chemotherapy.  As a parent...I was supposed to be able to take away the booboo's..just kiss them away.  To hug my baby and make everything bad go away.  And when we can't...there is no way to describe that fear and pain and just...sorrow. 

Most of us are just naturally fighters...we learn to have tough skin, to stand up for ourselves and to push our way through obstacles.  We read stories about people who have become lost in their pain and the hurt becomes so overwhelming that they don't feel they can go on.  And we think.."why can't they just get OVER it??"  And now I UNDERSTAND.  As a matter of fact...I OVERstand.

Anyway...I don't know what I actually started off this blog to say.  Just got a lot on my mind and on my spirit right now.

Monday, August 5, 2013

A Season, A Reason, A Moment

A few weeks ago, I was asked a question on Ask.FM.  I don't remember the exact wording, but to paraphrase "we used to spend time together and now we don't..what happened?"  Since I didn't know who asked me, it was hard to answer honestly.  So I gave this vague kind of "I've changed".  And although that's true..it's not the complete story.

I truly believe that unless you are stuck in some sort of time warp...all of are in a state on constant change.  That being said..the Lisa that you knew 10 years ago, 5 years ago, 2 years ago, 2 months ago...she no longer exists.  People are in your life for a season, a reason and a moment.  I may have absolutely adored the ground you walked on 5 years ago...but if I have somehow determined that ultimately..you are not good for or to my life or spirit...then you needed to be eliminated.

I admit, there are some people who I keep in my life, but that is because I know that they are in my life for a REASON.  Whether it is teach me, to somehow enhance my spirit or because selfishly I simply need them.  These are people that will always be in my life, in my spirit, in my heart and in my thoughts.  They have shown me that they "are down for me", that they innately care about what happens to LISA and I them.

Those who were in my life for a SEASON.  Maybe we dated, maybe we were friends, maybe we shared some experiences.  At some point, I determined that you were not productive to the place I am ultimately trying to be emotionally, spiritually, mentally or physically.  It may not have occurred to me in that time..but at some point..it did.  That Lisa you knew..that you experienced...she longer exists anyway.  Stop trying to recapture a moment that we shared in the past.  As the saying goes...that ship has sailed.  There can many reasons that I shut people off.  But the main reasons are usually one of the following:  You have proved to me that you do not have my best interests at heart, You have shown to me that your interest in me is primarily a sexual interest, I have grown bored of your "shtick", I realize that I am simply an option in your life and not a priority.  Don't try to change my mind, or recapture a season..it won't happen.  I am one of those people who when they close a door....it remains closed.  I can be polite to you, hang out with you...and hopefully in that time, you will see that I am a changed woman.  If not..perhaps it is because you really are stuck in a place where you choose to remain.  Just know that I cannot join you there.

Those who were in my life for a MOMENT.  Simply put...its a wrap.  You were a hiccup in my life.  Maybe our moment lasted a day...a few weeks, a year.  Either way, in my mind and spirit..I have deleted you completely.  In my life's storybook...I will not even write about you.  This is because I have determined you to be a complete waste of my life's time.  Maybe you did something that I perceived as disrespectful to me or someone that I love, maybe I just have realized that you contribute nothing to my life, yet leech from my heart, spirit, finances, or body, Maybe what you do contribute is a waste of time, Maybe I know you are stuck in a holding pattern that you will never leave from, etc.  There are many many reasons.  But at the end of the day...our moment has passed us.

So...look within.  What group do you think you fall in?  Analyze self.  I do it constantly.  Before I look at others and expect them to fix their shyt...I understand that I have to be able to do it myself.  And I have a lot of shyt to fix.  I have fixed a lot of it.  But so much more remains.

Ask yourself...are YOU a SEASON, a REASON or a MOMENT to the people around you?

Friday, August 2, 2013

Totally Random Information

Yup..thats exactly what this is gonna be, because I'm bored and because I just finished a list of absolutely random information that Aaron posted.  And since I don't have a single independant thought, his idea seemed good enough for me.  So in no apparent order...the following is a probably long list of random information that you may or may not already know and may or may not give a shit about.  BUT...it will occupy my brain and energy for at least 20 minutes of bored time :D

1.  I truly despise fleas, as you have probably noticed by my many rants and posts about killing them.  They make me itch and worse yet..they give me the heebie jeebies.

2.  The first thing I did when I got paid this week was go on Amazon and order my birthday gift to myself.  A 4lb container of Jelly Belly Jelly Beans.

3.  I really REALLY dislike for someone to repeatedly text or call me asking when I will have time for them.  MAJOR turnoff

4.  I know poeple think I'm mean to guys..and I probably am.  But my BS tolerance is pretty low

5.  My tolerance for neediness and redundancy is just as low.

6.  Theres absolutely jack shit on tv right now.

7.  I just sent a text and lied to someone about not being home, just because I don't want company tonight

8.  That was the second person I told that lie to in the last 20 minutes.

9.  As mean as I am, I'm quite sensitive to people's feelings. 

10.  And I'm very non confrontational if I can help it

11.  I dunno why I am so addicted to Spike TV's Gangland.  I think I was a thug in a past life or something

12.  I'll refuse to eat certain foods (usually fruits) based simply on their texture (bananas, strawberries, peaches, kiwi, etc)  Love the FLAVOR of them..but the texture freaks me out

13.  If I read this list, I sure come across as picky huh?

14.  Jelly Bellies are not my only candy addiction....I love spice drops, twizzlers, Charleston Chews (all 3 flavors), Swedish Fish, Mike N Ikes and Hot Tamales, Reeses Peanut Butter Cups, and Symphony Bars with toffee.  Oh...and Chunky Bars. 

15.  Now I have a taste for chunky bars

16.  I was miserable the last month because I had some overdue fines at the library and couldn't check out any books.  That was the second thing I paid yesterday.  I will be at the library tomorrow!

17.  Someone asked me on ask.fm when I am gonna update my FILF list for 2013. 

18.  I have absolutely NO desire to ever ride a motorcycle

19.  Its always annoyed me that my wrists are too big to wear bangles.  I love bangles.  I always wanted about 20 of those itty bitty skinny bangles.

20.  I haven't worn heels in like a month  (GASP!!!)

21.  Every night this week, I have come home and gone straight to bed.  I don't go to sleep, but I get on my bed and read, watch movies, listen to music, etc.  Simply because its the one damn spot int he house that the fleas haven't gotten to. 

22.  I refuse to allow anyone in the house until after we have COMPLETELY flea bombed the entire house (we are doing it tomorrow)  I would feel horrible if someone got bitten in my house.

23.  I'm flea bombing my car overnight tonight

24.  I just begged Aja to get me a Chunky bar on her way home later

25.  I really wanna steal Aja's tattoo idea and get those butterflies on my thigh

26.  I just completely lost my train of thought

27.  I........yeah....it's still lost.

The End

Saturday, July 27, 2013

Saturday Morning Musings

Happy Saturday Folks!!!  Just had my first coffee since Wednesday....two HUGE cups back to back.  So, I'm a lil bananas right now.  Just try to keep up with wherever my mind flows.

Just finished salting all the carpets.  Another remedy try in this summers invasion of the fleas.  I swear, I am ready to throw both the cats outta the house for the rest of the summer.  But we all know that is not how I roll.  If you make a commitment to bring a pet into your family, you are obligated to care for it and treat it humanly for the totality of it's life.  So...I guess I'm stuck with these litle bastids.  That being said....

We have also been battling a little "intestinal" issues with Oliver and Onyx.  Namely,these lil fukkas shit too damn much....and not in the box!!   My remedy (which seems to be working last night and today)  Buy an extra cat box and keep each box in a different bathroom, lock cats in bathroom, stand over them and glare while they cringe in the catbox until the urge hits them and then start clapping and giving them lots of praise when they finally go!!  Even though they will stare at you and try to figure out why the hell you won't give them a little bit of privacy, and you will be swaying and trying not to pass out from the smell...they DO use the catbox!!  Poor Onyx got so used to being in that box, the last time I went downstairs, he was SLEEPING in the box *I swear*  Its also very important that the box stays REALLY clean.  It occured to me that both cats are REALLY finicky about that.  As long as it is really clean, they will use it.  Sothe new huse rule is..someone has to clean it EVERY DAY.

So I had this idea come to me this morning.  Even though my family is really tiny, I was thinking that we should all put together our favorite recipes and create a cookbook that we can pass down from generation to generation.  We may be tiny, but our family loves food and cooking, and if I do say so myself...we create some DAMN good food.  So..that's my project for 2013.  To assemble the recipes, to create a book somehow..even if it just a loose bound book...and to gift the family kids with one.  It may be a 2013-2014 project because thats a lot of books, but they are worth it.

I've been sick in bed with food poisoning since Wednesday, but I finally woke up feeling good today.  I gotta remember not to overdo it, because that is what I usually do.  I am gonna go to lunch with my friend Kesia.  We are going to this awesome Hibachi that she showed me.  I absolutely love being able to do adult lunches with my girlfriends.  Its such a good way to bond and build.

Okay, lemme go finish up with this goup that I just put together on fb.  Then I want to go get a few groceries that I didn't get last night.  Lata gatas....



Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Tales From A Single Woman

Soooooo many things to talk about.  Where do I begin?

Okay.  This is gonna sound hella selfish, but meh....sometimes that is what you just have to be.  I have decided that going forward, I am no longer going to date anyone that does not have either a car or a valid license and access to a car.  I am tired of being the chauffer.  And a man without a car is just so wrong to me.  Now understand...if I were still in Boston, this really wouldn't be as big an issue. (Yes...yes it would now that I think about it)  But here in South Carolina...you really do have to have a car.

Im a spontaneous kind of woman.  I enjoy getting out and about.  And being the only driver really hinders that.  There are times when I just wanna jump in the car and go, and when I have to wait to make pickup arrangements, drive 30-40 minutes to pick you up, wait on you...blah blah blah....nah, the spontanaity is killed.  Then for dates, I gotta factor in time to pick you up and drop you off afterward.  Its too much damn work.  Can't just ever do a casual get together after work.

Part of me wonders...how does a man feel like a man if he is sitting at home, waiting on a woman to come pick him up all the time?  And is it just me, or do the people who don't have cars and don't drive...seem to be the bossiest damn people about YOUR time and car?

Okay...so thats where I stand on that.

Next....this whole thing of "I'll just come by and we can watch a movie and chill"  Oh and if I am REALLY lucky "Oh, I'll just come by and you can cook and we can watch a movie and chill".  NEGATIVE.  I stopped that a long time ago.  I can sit on my couch by my damn self.  I don't need you invading my personal space.  And don't do me any favors "letting" me cook my damn food for your broke ass.  And that tired ass excuse "I'm a homebody, I really don't do the whole going out thing" will leave your tired (aka BORING) ass sitting in your damn house alone.

Okay..lemme stop before I get accused of man bashing.  But hell, I'm an equal opportunity basher.  I know plenty of chicks who are just as needy.  But I haven't tried to date them, lol.

Sunday, June 23, 2013

Scattered Thoughts of a Dieting Fat Girl

Yes, I said it. I am dieting. not very well...but it's a start. I'm even recording my meals in my Fitness Pal app (and telling the truth!!) and going to the gym.

I think I'm still recuperating from my trip to the gym yesterday. But I put in WORK at that gym. 40 minutes on the bike, 20 minutes of the 30 minute circuit workout (some of the machines I just haven't been able to master) and 30 seconds of that machine that I think is the elliptical. I'm not sure if that's what it is...it looks like a combo of a ski and steps. You move your legs and arms at the same time. Except if you are me. Which is why I only lasted 30 seconds. I am ENTIRELY too uncoordinated for that sort of thing. I may only have 2 arms and 2 legs...but they went in 12 different directions simultaneously and I am PRETTY sure that is not what it is supposed to be like. 

In addition, I am fat. No..it's okay. That's not downing myself. I am aware that I'm fat. Still cute dammit..but fat. And fat does not handle ellipticals very well. In fact, not well at all. I think my asthma kicked in about 6 seconds in. It didn't help that this really cute guy chose that moment to get on the treadmill that was directly behind me, so I couldn't just fall off and lay motionless for an hour like I wanted to. I had to try to casually turn off the machine and make it look like I intended to only be on it for 30 seconds. 

I just KNEW that freakin machine was gonna have some alarm that screamed "FAT GIRL, YOU HAVE ONLY USED 30 SECONDS OF THE 30 MINUTES YOU SAID YOU WERE GONNA DOOOOOOO!!!!!!" but thankfully, it let me get off quietly. Well...as quietly as you can get off while also gasping for air and praying your legs can still hold you up. Once I did..I just held up my head and walked outta there like a DIVA. But as soon as I made it to the car...OH EM GEE...I am pretty certain I died for a lil while.

I think I will just have to stay with the machines that I know. I enjoy the bike..a LOT. I tolerate the treadmill. I will never be a runner on the treadmill though. My mom passing along her huge boobies to me pretty much KILLED any hope for me running. There is no athletic bra that can be made strong enough to support the boobage. It just ain't gonna happen. And I am not gonna be trying to run and getting knocked unconscious by a flying 20 lb boob. 

Also, I am completely uncoordinated. I know I say that alot..but it's true. As my mom used to always say to me *If the color of the carpet changes, you would trip over it* and it's the truth. I have two things against me...I have walked on my tiptoes since I was a baby and I have two left feet. It really is a not a cute sight to see me trying to do anything that requires coordination. I can dance...but only MY dances. Don't ask me to do something with actual choreography. This black girl has rhythm, but my rhythm isn't coordinated!!

I've been eating salads all week. And drinking nothing but water. Great, just imagine....I take water pills and I drink water all day. If I don't lose weight from the salads, I will surely lose weight running back and forth to the ladies room to piss what seems to be a gallon every 3.7 minutes.

I did try walking on my lunch hour last week. Ummm...NO. My lunch hour is in SC. 1:00 in the afternoon in SC. In the summer. It was like 486 degrees out. I made it 30 minutes to the turnaround point. And then I started looking for a bus or cab to take back. Of course, this being SC, there were none and I had to walk back. I'm pretty sure I melted into the sidewalk. But eventually, I recovered. And since I'm pretty confident in saying that Columbia isn't ready to see me walking through the streets in my sneakers and underwear at lunchtime...I will have to find a better (and air conditioned) place to do my daily walking. 

The treadmill is okay, but I just find that I get so damn BORED on it. I'm walking to nowhere, that doesn't excite me. I listen to Pandora and I watch the tv...but I still know that I'm walking to nowhere. They need to have one of those MOM thingy's for treadmills. That Motion blah blah thing like they have in some movie theaters and  roller coasters. Let me walk thru a downtown scene or thru the forest...throw in a bear to scare me or a picnic lunch or soft serve ice cream truck in the distance...my big ass would run to that! Just an idea to you Gym Owners. Things to make you go hmmmmmmmmm.

Friday, March 29, 2013

Sex On Da Brain....Part.....whatever number we are at now

BAM!!!! Here you go Mother!!!!

Should it bother me that my Mother...Lil Donna DooRight herself, is the one person who keeps asking me when I am going to update my annual *He Could Get Da Pannies* list?? If it were any other mother, it probably would...but this is MY Mama..and the apple doesn't fall far from the tree for real. So......in random order as they pop into my brain...Keep in mind, I'm really on a beard kick...I love my bearded men.

Idris Elba. *sighhhhhh* Where do I begin Idris? From the top of his head down to his "probably" ashy big ass feet. Idris could get it. I don't care if he is using his British, Baltimore or combination accent. Idris would get it...on stage at the Oscars. Televised. With the lights on and the actors in the audience. I'm just saying.

Lyfe Jennings....Gawt diggidy dayum.....thats a sexy mofo. I wonder if he would sing while we bippidy bop? I'd like that shyt.

My friend Jerimy. Looka here man...we have been friends for way too long now! I think it's only fair that you let me hit that at least once man. Stop playing with my damn emotions!!! Those long ass locs...those pretty eyes. Mmm...yeah

My tattoo artist....that sexy beast known at Shotta. Id seen pictures of him prior to getting tatted...but seriously dude? Up close n personal?? *exhaleeeeeeeeeee* Oh my damn...I need a moment. Oh yeah...he could MOST definitely.....definitely.....mmm. Yeah, that. There is something about a man who is able to bring that pleasure/pain combo. TMI???

There is this guy on my IG friends. We have never even spoken, outside of a few hi's and bye's...and he is so NOT the kinda man I would normally check out. But it's his whole....THING. He has it. That sex appeal, innate sexiness...that forgive the term...but SWAG. He HAS it. Mmmmm, if he actually lived in the US (he lives in London), I'd drive to that!! At night. On the highway. With one headlight out. And a broken cd player. And bad brakes. In the rain.

Okay, I stopped for an hour because I started checking Instagram and forgot I was typing, lol. Lemme think back to my list.

Oh Em Gee....My friend IG/FB Dave!! Oh Em Gee....That man is leader of the FILF pack! I would sooooooooooo do him. Today is his birthday as a matter of fact. I gotta present for him :)

Chef Roble. Yeah, I know he is a little ...petite. But damn....cute AND can cook??? You know a greedy wench like me likes them odds!!!

Nard. Yup. He's so pretty. And sexified. Thatisall. All I can say is YUP

This youngin in Texas...Kocc. Good lawdy, he is fine. Too bad I've moved on from the youngings.

Okay....I'm done. For now. I keep getting sidetracked and now I have heartburn that is annoying me. Until I return....... *deuces*



Ramblings From A Certifiable Rambler

Dayummm...has it been this long since I last posted? Hmmm...I guess it has. Okay, where do I begin my rambling? Just be forewarned, my ADHD has been on EXTRA the last few weeks. I'm doing good if I stay focused on a topic for more than 2 minutes at a time.

I feel like I'm never on the laptop anymore. I do everything from my phone. Gahh...do you remember when we did EVERYTHING on our actual computers? From messengers...AIM and Yahoo messenger. Are they even still in service? That tells you how long it's been since I last used it. I think it's been like since I was in Boston, lol. Goodness, those were the pre-text message days. Well, we had text messages, but didn't use them nearly as much. We also hung out on BP (Blackplanet for those who don't know), Myspace, AOL Chats (yeah, I know I just took it waaaaay back) and for a few...and I ain't gonna name no names....but you know who you are....OBC...Online Booty Call!! LMFAO I remember signing up on a dare..and then being too embarrassed to actually speak to anyone on there, lol. Oooooh and the awesome sites...I used to stay busy on ODB aka Da Board aka Oh Dizzam aka....what else did we call it?? And of course Fullfiggas.com. Are they still around? Why did we stop joining boards. My board family really was family to me...still are as a matter of fact. *INSERT SHAMELESS PLUG HERE* Da Board is actually still active as a FB page...go like it and check it out. *END SHAMELESS PLUG HERE*

So, I did what nobody would ever expect from me. I got into a relationship. Yeah....I left it about 2 days after I went into it though, lol. I think I have decided that I really am single for life. Although, to be honest...Jabir and I haven't ended. I call us "Break Up To Make Up". Thats our title. I finally understand the meaning of *It's Complicated*, although I refuse to use it as my title. We will just remain "Break Up To Make Up". He and I have both been single for too long and are fiercely independant. So, although there is a serious emotional draw to each other...as soon as we spend more than an hour or two in each others presence...we start working each others nerves. But I choose not to get involved with anybody else until I have moved on 100% from this "thing" with us. Thats not fair to the next man. I've been slowly drawing myself apart from Jabir, but it's not easy. It's like we both know that we don't work as a couple...too many little differences that begin to meld into one BIGGGG difference. But, there is just this undeniable PULL that is like BAM as soon as we see each other. I think it's that we both respect each other and like each other so damn much as human beings...we are not willing to not be in each others lives. *shrug* Who knows...but this is why I choose not to get involved with anyone else, lol.

Okay, I won't turn this blog into a book...but expect another blog shortly...maybe within minutes...because I got a BUNCH of new candidates for the *He Could Get It* list!! And we all know I haven't updated that list in what...a year or so?