How Do You See Heaven

This is not fact, it's not fiction.....its just something I wrote....

How do you see Heaven?  I never used to be able to visualize Heaven.

I just saw the Pearly Whites; The Gates of Heaven

Our image of GOD, sitting there looking down at his scroll, deciding who he is letting in or who is going way back down.

But that was as far as I had ever imagined.

Until I started losing the people that I loved

And losing artists that I listened to

And pets that I have adored

When Auntie first passed away, I started coming closer as I would visit her

At first, I would visit her a lot, but always outdoors.  Usually sitting at the park

I needed to talk to her and hear her call me baby

I needed to tell her all about the things that were going on in my life

And how scared I was and how I didn’t know which way I was going to turn

And I would feel a hug wrap around me and hear her tell me that she would never let anything happen to me.  And I believed her.

But then something did happen.  Something horrible.  Something more horrible than anything I thought that I could ever return from.  And it was time for Aja to join Auntie in Heaven.  But I wasn’t ready.  I wasn’t ready for Aja to go to Heaven.  And if she was going to go to Heaven, then I was going to go to Heaven with her.  So I made a plan.  And I drove to Forest Acres at Rush hour.  When all of the traffic from the hospitals and Fort Jackson would be at its absolute worst.  And I pulled up to the red light.  And I saw the Big Rig.  And when the big Rigs light turned green on my red..I waited until he was about ⅓ way though the intersection and I closed my eyes, stepped on the gas and just drove forward into traffic.  I heard screeches, I heard tires, I heard brakes and then the car stopped.  I assumed I was dead.  I opened my eyes.  I looked to my right…..Auntie was sitting in the passenger side, looking at me crying and cutting her arms.  I looked down and Aja was sitting on my lap, holding the steering wheel..with her foot on the brake.  “It’s okay Mummy.  We’re gonna go to the hospital now, okay?”  And I did. 

And I listened and I did what I needed to do.   And after that, I began to visit Aja.  I shouldn’t have even worried about that girl.  The first person that I saw come up to her was her Grandmother Mickey.  And Aja smiled and laughed and they hugged so deeply and just held each other for the longest time, whispering to each other and laughing like schoolgirls.  I looked around and I realized that it doesn’t matter how you die….sickness, murder, trauma, old age….the moment that you step into Heaven….you are restored to your most beautiful and your happiest age, and it would never change.  You were in Paradise.  Perfect forever.

While Aja and Mickey were hugging, Aja got a tap on her shoulder and was lifted off her feet in a great big bear hug and spun around..it was Erick “Biggie” Gaines, her Aunt Shay’s brother.  She gave him a big hug and jumped down to run over and give his Grandmother, Miss Bobbie a big hug.  Miss Bobbie looked beautiful..she looked like she was getting ready to go out to a party!  Biggie was being as flirty and silly as ever and let Aja know that his assigned role was to promote all the good Heaven parties.  I couldn’t believe there were parties in Heaven.  He said yes, just not any alcohol or drugs.

It seemed to me that all of the connected people or people that you knew or were related to somehow, all seemed to live in close proximity to each other.  Nobody seemed to be thinking about bills or rent or food...in Heaven, everything is taken care of for you.

I looked up and my eyes welled up immediately.  Sitting over in a grassy area, surrounded by dozens of attentive faces were George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, Trayvon Martin, Rayshard Brooks, Daniel Prude, Atatiana Jefferson, Sandra Bland, Botham Jean, Philandro Castille, Alton Sterling, Freddie Gray, Eric Garner, Akai Gurley, Tamir Rice and Michael Brown.  But there was no sadness, no anger!  These beautiful men, women and children were there leading and mentoring and organizing young people.  Helping them to get involved in activities that would stimulate their brains...poetry slams, debate teams, writing groups, community newspapers.

I followed Aja around, still trying to find out what she had been assigned to do.  Every adult had a special assignment.  Sudden;y, we got to a huge , oversized Victorian home that  easily had 25 rooms.  She stopped before opening the door and suddenly the most peaceful smile came over her face.  She turned to me.  “It’s okay Mummy.  Really.Don’t you see?  I really AM in Heaven now!  This big old house is all mine!  They take care of it for me.  I don’t pay any bills.  I tell them what food I need, and the same day...all the cabinets are filled to the top with anything I could ever want Mummy!   And guess what?  All the babies and little ones and all the kitties...they are all for me!”  And we walked in and Aja was immediately surrounded by a rainbow of so many smiling small faces and babies and children.  All wanting to love on her and tell her about their morning.

You see, every single baby, small child, young child that passes on...no matter how...Aja has been assigned to be there to greet them the moment they pass through and to take them home.  It doesn’t matter how they died, the moment they reach Aja, they are made precious and perfect forever again.  The same goes for all of the kittens and cats.  And Heaven just keeps on adding more rooms onto that big old house to accommodate everybody.  The backyard has gotta be about 5 acres, with every toy and plaything you can think of.    There are lots of other people assigned to help with the children, but this is Aja’s house and she runs it.  Everybody knows that those are Aja’s babies and they will stay with her forever.

Oh, and Auntie has a set of rooms at the house too.  But she is out at either the Bingo parlor or at one of Heavens big card games 7 days a week.  And grabbing scratch tickets on her way back and forth.  And because this is Heaven, she has been winning on everything and is now a Heaven Billionaire.  The only thing she is unhappy about is the No Smoking rule in Heaven.  She hasn’t smoked since she got here.  HE has eyes everywhere.

And this is how I see Heaven when I visit Aja and Auntie in my heart.  I visited Aja tonight to ask her to tell one of my friends to come on back, its not her time to cross over.  I need her to continue fighting for her life.  So Aja, come thru for me

 

So What Are You Supposed To Talk About Then

I was on a social app today.  Admittedly, some people use this app to “hook up”.  But as it says on my profile, “I’m just here to chat, I don’t exchange numbers or meet anyone offline”.  I thought that was pretty clear.

I stopped dating a few years ago.  And I especially stopped meeting men online.  It’s not that I think there is anything wrong with it, or that men online are bad guys.  I’ve met my share of really good guys online.  I just truly have no interest in meeting any guys, online or off at this stage of my life.

Some guys that hit me up are perfectly fine with this.  We have great conversations...some very casual about their work day or what they did over the weekend.  Some are on a deeper level.  I have conversed with a man about his ongoing cancer treatment, with another about his quickly building music career and his contracting business.  Everything is completely appropriate and I enjoy our conversations.  But then, you will have the ones who still suggest “Well, we can still meet just as friends”  Well….No...we can’t.  First...COVID.  Second...what part of I don’t meet men off line was confusing to you?  

So today, when you hit me up and right off the bat started talking about getting to know me and “building” and seeing where it could lead.  I shut down that conversation with the quickness.  I kept it light and polite, and just let you know that I don’t meet men offline, nor do I date.  But that wasn’t good enough for you.  You kept pushing “I promise you, I wouldn’t be a disappointment”.  I shrugged “I’m sure you wouldn’t.  But I still have no interest”.  And whooooooo….it was at THAT very moment that I seemed to have touched your ego in a very bad place!

It took you 2.2 seconds to type back “So what are supposed to talk about then?  This is a dating site, not no damn talking site!”  And I had to laugh, because I knew then that I was speaking to a man who couldn’t think beyond his midsection.  So I asked, “Do you not ever ever hold conversations with other human beings that aren’t based on possible relationships?  Fortunately, I’m able to speak to plenty of people who are”.

Boyyyyyy….I tell ya, brah was HOT!!!  He typed back in ALL CAPS “F.O.H.!!  NOPE!!” and further made his point with a picture of his...well, I have to admit...rather impressive naked peen.  I may have sat and pondered it from a few angles for a moment or two; still never forgetting that it was nothing more than a passaround peen.

So the old Lisa had to come out for a moment.  I let him know “Ya know...ya shyt isn’t half bad looking.  It’s too bad you are so childish.  That reckless ass mouth of yours probably talks you out of 99% of the quality azz you MIGHT be able to get.  That’s why ya left with the dopefiends and dikkhoppas you are probably crusty and leaking from now”

Anddddddd BLOCK!   Oh...but first I had to report his naked peen picture.  After I screen shotted it of course.  Shyt…..I’m celibate, not dead.

 

I Hope He Was Just Having A Bad Day

Okay,  long Lisa story of the week.  So, when I went through the trauma unit when I got to the ER this last hospitalization....this resident that was in the trauma room and working on me was pretty much a jerk.  

He was trying to get an iv going, and I was trying to let him know in between catching breaths that due to so many hospitalizations.. my veins are shot and you have to use an ultrasound or go in EXACTLY where the 1 definite vein is and the needle has to go in at a very specific angle.  It's literally the only spot they have been successful in for probably 2 years, and only I think 2 people have been able to hit the vein without an ultrasound.  The ER people always listen when I let them know and get an ultrasound off jump, because who wants the hassle?  Apparantly this resident did.  Because he was like..I don't need an ultrasound..and proceeded to go into my right arm and probe around in no less than 8 or 9 locations.  Not only that, but when he would fail, he would yank the needle out and just set up for another location.  He wasn't putting pressure on the injection site to stop the bleeding or anything.  By this point, I'm pretty much just laying there with tears silently flowing from the pain.

At the same time, I've got people on the other side of me, trying to get ivs going in my other arm.  They were also drawing blood.  Then the resident says to me that he is going to put an iv into my neck.  I start shaking and crying, because..NO.  So this mofo says...what's the problem?  I'm telling him, really BEGGING him, I have never had a needle in my neck, can you PLEASE just get the ultrasound, I swear..I'm telling you where the vein is that you will be able to use.   So then this man has the audacity to tell the nurse that he wants them to do a drug screen on me!!!  He thought I was high! He goes back to my arm..tries a few more times and then just walks out of the room.

The nurses start grumbling about him and one turns around and curses.  This mofo with all of his poking and probing the needle around in me and then just taking it out, with no pressure on it...apparantly..all those holes in my arm were just flowing blood and the side of the stretcher was soaked and there was a pool of blood on the floor, and he didn't say a word to them..he just left.  Nurses were pissed.

Oh yeah..they bought in an ultrasound a little later after I was stabilized, and got an iv in the EXACT spot I told them to in like 2 minutes.  But I've been complaining about how sore and hard and stiff my right forearm has been all week.  

I was in my room last night and Imani happened to walk in and looked and grabbed my arm and turned it this way and that way and was like..Oh my God!!! She started comparing it to my other arm and I'm like..yeah, I know, I have crazy bruises from the needles.  And she is like..No..you need to call your Dr.  Your arm has a bunch of lumps in it and it's real swollen.  And then she says

.gyattttdamn!!  I'm sitting here like what??! She says...you didn't see that big bruise?  I said, there's a lot of bruises.  She says..no...its like your elbow down almost to your wrist.   I hadn't even noticed it to be honest..I don't go looking at the back of my arms that often.

And that was my long story of the week

The Irony Of The Words

 I have been going through my oldest blogs and working my way up, looking for some memories as I have begun to finally write my book.  And I came across this entry that I wrote sometime in 2008, while I was still living in Sumter, South Carolina.  I was talking about finally realizing what had driven me to move to SC.  At the end of the  blog, Id written:

I think SC is for the here and now. The move was necessary....Id lost my love for and my hope in Boston. I need a few years to sort of regroup and EXHALE, to see some more of the world and see how I react TO the world...but then I need to return to the city, maybe Boston, maybe Baltimore. Maybe I can view it through "new eyes" with a revitalized spirit and energy. Return with a new path for my life. To get back on the track that has always guided me..to make a DIFFERENCE. They say home is where the heart is, and right now..my heart isn't in Boston OR SC..it is still searching, if that makes sense.

The irony is that the only reasons that I returned to Boston were stressors.  My child had been murdered, my health was suffering, my teenaged daughter had just delivered a baby that had complex medical needs and was expecting another baby...MY LIFE WAS FALLING APART AROUND ME.  I had an incredible support system around me in Columbia, where I was living, but I needed my Mother and sisters love.  I needed to be able to see their faces and to feel their hugs when I needed to.  To be able to see my son and daughter in law when I wanted to.  And I figured we would come back to Boston and my inner peace would return instantly.

Welp...I was correct in that my joy returned in that I was able to see my family whenever I wanted to.  I've missed hanging out with them and cooking for them.  But other than that, Imani and I knew within weeks..we HATED being back in Boston.  We knew we had made a mistake returning.  Yes, it is amazing healthcare for me and for the boys, there is no denying that.  I will not pretend that you really have to do your research and invest time and patience to make sure to find the right doctors and resources for specialized care in South Carolina.  And so we have taken advantage of every resource that we need to take advantage of here.  But internally, SC became our home.  Everything that I had been looking for?  The place to belong?  To make a difference?  To be an activist?  To be a voice and make a change?  I was doing that.  We had created a family down there.  A family that we miss.  Id found my poetry scene, my singing scene, my open mic scene, my Waiting to Exhale Crew.  

Like I said before...They say home is where the heart is.  And I'm no longer searching.  After living there for 9 years and being back here in Boston for 3 years, I know that South Carolina is home for us.  We are staying here for 1.5 more years, but the plan is to absolutely return to SC at the end of the school year in 2022.

Writers Block and Stuck Keys

Of course, now that I FINALLY made the decision to actually move forward and be intentional about writing my story while simultaneously doing a book of poetry (because doing just one wouldn't be enough..I need to go ALLLLL the way) I have the worst case of writers block ever!  And not only that, but this daggone laptop has decided that every other 20 minutes, the t and y keys will stop working for 20-30 minutes or more, and I have to shut everything down while I sit here fighting with it.

Mmmm..before I forget..the powers that be in the algorhythems ( I know just butchered the spelling of that huh?)  at both FB and IG have deemed my blog abusive, so I can't share the blog on them any longer.  Well, I may be able to share the link to the general blog itself on fb, I haven't tried that method yet.  But it won't let me post links to the actual blog posts.  And IG...whew...they shut me down completely like a month ago.  Locked my whole damn account down.  I can still log in and see everything.  I can respond to dm's.  And post pictures, but that is it.  Can't like pics.  Can't even caption my pics.  I had to just start a whole new account.  I messaged IG support like 7 times because when I look under violations, it say I actually have none, but have gotten no response so far.  So there's that.

Let's see what else is happening.  Oh yeah...this week is the first week that Bry will have 4 days at school!!!!  Oh Em Gee!  I am not gonna know what to do with myself.  I kind of want to go to the gym, but the lazy in me is basically laughing at that.  I kind of want to go vote early.  But I'm also kind of worried that if I vote early, something mysterious is going to happen to all of those early votes and they will disappear or something.  I don't trust 45 as far as I can through him and his toupee.

This will be a short entry.  I was hoping that as I typed, I would kickstart my brain into think mode and I'd find something to write about.  I'm gonna go read some old journals to jog my memory and then do some writing about earlier years.

Ready To Go

 Free Writing from my FB writing group. I have finally decided to make the leap into writing my book after contemplating it for many years.

Ready To Go

I stared dejectedly through the windshield as I thought to myself "Fukk this Lis! You tried 15x already. Just leave the shyt alone and go home."

I glanced out of the drivers side window and two of the barbers from "We Cut Headz" Barber Shop were standing outside, smoking and watching everything that I was trying to do, laughing quietly. This just pissed me off even more and made me even MORE determined.

Taking a deep breath, I made up my mind to carry this thing through, even if it killed me in the process. First, I needed to make peace. I closed my eyes and began a quick prayer to Allah. I'd be missing many of the pre prayer requirements, but Allah is all seeing, and he sees my heart. First, I prayed for my family, then I apologized for the 5 lb bucket of Jelly Belly Jelly Beans that I have selfishly been hiding in the back of my closet in order to avoid sharing with Mani, Michelle and Marcus, And I apologized for the damned good, but very out of Wedlock and therefore Haram fornication that I was enjoying tremendously with Marcus each night. And Ameen. After that very important cleansing, I felt like Allah knew my heart was coming to HIM pure and HE was ready to help me. So I took a deep breath.

And so I pulled the car forward a little bit and then carefully checked my side and rear mirror---no obstacles, so I'm good to go. I slowly tried to maneuver my way via twists and turns into the parallel space. Yeah Lisa!!! Good job! BAM BISH!!!!

Except......When I got out of the car, I was about 2 feet away from the curb...maybe 3. FUGGGGGGGG!!!!! Alrighty then..... Pull away and repeat. Pull back a little further this time. Now my rear bumper slams in the curb, and I'm damn near sticking straight out into the street.

Pull out and start again............Grrrrrr

Pull out and start again............Grrrrrr

Pull out and start again............Grrrrrr *sniffle sniffle*

Turn off the music, so I can really concentrate and see better

Give the pep talk. Let her know we can go get a car wash and detail. Maybe an oil change

Pull out and start again............AHHHHHHHHHH

Now I'm cussing this damn car....she's an ugly, ungrateful bish who doesn't appreciate how good I treat her and I'm selling her for parts after work anyway!

Sitting in the car, looking dejectedly out the windshield and I feel a presence. I look up and the man from the barbershop is leaning in my window. Ooooh, a handsome man!! I bust out my best flirty, sexy smile "Hey, how ya doing hunee?" He says " Baby Girl, c'mon outta this car. I'm just gonna park this shyt for you" And then he proceeds to do a perfect park in about 3.2 seconds, and jump out and go back to the barber shop.

Have you ever tried to walk away with some sense of dignity when someone just made you feel like you accidentally left your specially fit helmet, fig newtons and juice box on the little yellow bus?

Tonight I Lay In My Bed Listening

This is something that I originally wrote in I think 1999-2000.  I recently found it and updated a few lines to make it current..  Its a little dark, but a lot of my poetry tends to be more on the social commentary side.

Tonight I Lay In My Bed Listening 

by Lisa Robinson 2000

Tonight I lay in my bed listening.

Listening to the sounds of a woman.

She screams, this woman. Somebody’s mother, sister, daughter, lover.

I listen as she screams. Screams for all of the things that were…but will never be again.

She remembers

Remembers perhaps, the first time she touched the tiny brown face and looked into his eyes.

She remembers those first unsure steps, the first cry of “Mama”….she remembers the baby.

She remembers the tears on the morning he first began school, and the laughter as he returned home.

Maybe she cries for the times of pain – cries for the bruises, skinned knees, maybe even broken bones. All of which will heal in time.

She cries for the boy

Maybe she cries for the pains that will not heal. For the time that her child, who has been loved and adored since birth, came home and asked “Mama, what is a nigger?”

She cries for the time that his heart has been broken, the pain of a first love.

She cries for the pain, the anger and frustration he feels, every time he “fits the description” or “she crossed the street and clutched her purse when she saw me”.  He is becoming a Black Man

She cries for the simple irony of it all. That someone who came out of an act so beautiful, so tender and loving…could be taken away in an act so UGLY, so VIOLENT so HATEFUL!

He will never hear her cries! 

He was somebodies father, brother, son and lover.

She cries because she knows this. He has been taken away. Never again to be held, kissed, caressed or told “I Love You”

Tonight I lay in my bed listening to the cries of a woman. 

It is me; and I’m crying for all of the mothers who have lost a child.

Lost Files - Poetry 2002 - 2004 Part 2

 Definitely had to do a Part 2:               

The Song

2002

 I stepped forward, onto the stage

Careful as ever, not to trip over the thick wires

I said hello to the Host, and positioned myself just left of him

Close enough to see his reactions, unsure still of my skills

 I grabbed my “lucky” microphone…the red one…always

I wasn’t sure if it really brings luck; but who am I to challenge?

The first notes of the song began

 As usual, it strikes a chord of panic within me

Will tonight be the night?

Will this be the night I mess it up?

Inhale…..Exhale

 Slowly, I opened my eyes

Closed them again as I began the first verse

I needed to mentally hear the words I was singing

Unsure of what sounds I was producing

I tentatively opened my eyes and scanned the faces in the room

 The were smiling!  A few were clapping

nodding and giving words of encouragement

Gradually, my voice became stronger

My smile became wider

My stance became freer

I began to feel the song

The rhythm…the Essence

Desperate

6/13/2007

 Sitting here thinking

Feeling my frustration growing

Growing strong with each passing hour

Each hour that you’re away

 Away from my heart

Away from my passion

Away from the love that I so desperately

Wish I could make you feel

 The love that forces itself upon me

Forces me to love you unconditionally

Forces me to love you from a place so deep within

That it physically hurts

 Can you feel..the way that my heartbeat seems to merge with yours?

Even when we are miles apart

The way that my soul opens up,

and feels the pain in your eyes

Knowing that if you were to cut

I would surely bleed

 You couldn’t possibly know…

You haven’t gotten there yet

To this place

This place where only my heart

Lays open and crying

Crying out in desperation

Desperate to be made whole again

Desperate to stop beating with yours

Desperate to stop feeling this pain

Desperate

To stop loving you

Playing With Dolls

2001

 Back when I used to play with Barbie Dolls

Playing house seemed so simple

I’d line up all my Barbies, and fill up the pink townhouse with pink and white furniture

The only decision I had to make was

Which outfit Barbie would wear that day

 I never had to worry about how to pay for Barbies clothes

Every Christmas or Birthday, at least 6 outfits would magically appear

I didn’t have to worry about a job

After all; Barbie could be anything:  Policewoman, Astronaut, Ballerina, Superstar, Teacher, a nurse or the President

 When Barbie said “YES” to Ken, everything was complete

I didn’t have to plan a wedding

I just pulled out “Bride Barbie” and “Groom Ken”  All set!

 There were no car notes to concern yourselves with, or loans to get co-signed

Mom just got Barbie that pretty pink sports car

Ken and Barbie could travel in the Deluxe  Motor Home for the summer

 Back when I used to play with dolls

Ken didn’t leave when baby Skipper came along

He didn’t have an affair with Barbie’s BFF Teresa

Ken never worried about keeping a job.  He had 8 professions to choose from

 Back when I used to play with dolls

There was no divorce

When the relationship began to fade

I could just place Ken and Barbie back on their shelf

There was no alimony to pay

No missed child support payments

 There was never a death in the Barbie world

If Barbie’s head or arm popped off; we knew a brother, sister, mom or cousin who could pop it back on, just like new

 I miss life with the dolls sometimes

I can’t help but to sit back and wish for the days when

Ken and Barbie were the only relationship I had to focus on

 

 

Lost Files - Poetry from 2002 through 2004 Part 1?

 So Yeah...Maybe this will be Part 1.  Depends on how many poems I squeeze into this blog, lol.  Today, I was organizing my bedroom desk and came across a treasure trove of old poetry in this old beat up little notebook.  I literally did not even remember even writing this stuff.  Some, I recognized a piece here or there..maybe a sentence.  But that was it.  But I thought I would share them on here.  So without further ado:            

Just Friends

Standing there looking so fine

6 foot 4 of chocolate sexiness

You stopped to say hello

And to chit chat about whatever came to mind

To be honest, I didn’t even hear most of what you said

I was too busy staring

Amazed by just how beautiful a man you are

Everything about you

From the bass in your voice

To the richness of your cocoa skin

The long curly lashes framing soft brown eyes

The same eyes that reveal all of your inner thoughts

 You stood there on that summer day

Delighting me with all of your sexiness on display

Scowling at the rest of the world

In that ig’nant Beantown boy way

And saving that sweet smile just for me

 I tried my hardest to play it off

And go along with the

“Just Friends” game

And said I’d see you around

 As I walked away with my man

I glanced back and smiled

Knowing I’d be back at your place later tonight

Home

2002

 I wasn’t surprised when you called me last night

Asking me to help you out of yet another jam

I wouldn’t have expected anything less

It’s been that way since we first met

                            You running away when you feel yourself getting too close

Trying to convince yourself that you need to be alone

Telling yourself that the streets are the only constant in your life

The streets would comfort you.  Keep you safe and warm, when nobody else would

                                        And then..as soon as the cold air came, the first tinge of pain

You did what you always do

You called and asked to come back home

 

My Chocolate Man

2001

 This is dedicated to my chocolate man

My sweet, brown satisfying man

I dreamed of you last night

I thought about that night we met

 You walked into the room

With that beautiful smile and confident walk

And all I could think about was, how you made me want to just…

 Made me want to:

Open my arms and welcome you home

Made me want to:

Open your heart and heal any hurt you’d ever felt

Made me want to:

Pull you close to me and dance a slow and sensual dance

Made me want to:

Lean in and deeply inhale your sweet essence

 Yet still, we pulled…we pushed each other away

and continued

To pull back together just as quickly

 We hurt each other. 

Calling each other all of the most vile names we could think of

But all along regretting

Regretting every bad word we said

 Hurting ourselves by hurting each other

Still refusing to admit that maybe..just maybe….

We are what we both know what we are…Soulmates

 I dreamed of you tonight Chocolate

I dreamed of your big brown eyes, soft lips, gentle caresses

strong will and loving heart

I dreamed of you tonight Chocolate

And I missed you  

  

 

Heartbreak

Today marks the first day I have been back to "social media" this week.  I'd taken a break this week.  Not quite sure if I'm yet ready to come fully back yet either.  This blog may be my only little bit of return.  Not even sure if i'm ready to be quite fully transparent about this whole situation yet.  But we know I have never been anything less than transparent about my life.  It's been a rough week for me emotionally.  A rough, rough week.  Extremely painful.  Extremely triggering emotionally.  

I guess I should start it off by saying last year I started noticing a little change in my daughter when she got a promotion at her new job.  I started noticing her attitude toward me sort of shifted and she began to give me a really condescending tone and making these little snide remarks to me.  I honestly felt like she felt like was better than me, or looked down on me because she was bringing in more money than me.   And each time I would mention it to her, she would speak down to me even more and say that I was being too sensitive, or that I wasn't watching how I spoke to her, so why should she watch how she spoke to me (?? I don't speak to her or anybody else disrespectfully, so I'm not sure where that came from)  So this has just been ongoing for the last year.  Sometimes small remarks, sometimes a little more disrespectful to where it will piss me off for a few hours or a day, but never too much.

So, Saturday morning, she said one of these little snide remarks to me and it annoyed me, but it didn't piss me off..it just irked me.  I went in my room and closed the door to work on a project on my laptop,  Nothing more, nothing less.   A little while later, the baby started banging on the door and wanted to come in, and the next thing I hear is "Na'eem..leave Nana alone.  She doesn't want you around her!  She doesn't want to see you.  She's mad at Mommy"  Ya'll..when I tell you...at that moment, my heart BROKE.  That she would say something so CRUEL to a small child...to say nothing of the fact that it was absolutely untrue..but it was just freaking CRUEL...you just don't say say shit like that to a small child.  And just because she wanted to hurt me.  I unplugged my laptop and packed it and the cord, plus my phone charger and a few other things and just got ready to roll out for the day.  I knew I needed to leave the house for the day.

So, I'm getting ready to leave and as I got to the front door, she is sitting on the couch just looking pissed off, looking at the floor...tv..anything but me.  So I said.."You don't have to look at me, but just know..what you just said to that little boy...that was cruel..and that shit was not cool..I need.." and that's as much as I was able to get out because homegirl just went to the LEFT on me.  But the thing is...it came out so calm and so ....I don't even know the word.  I can only explain her face...there was so much HATRED in her face when she turned and looked at me.  There was no anger, there was no sadness...it was like a smirk and absolute hatred.  And her voice was calm and collected and she just said "As far as I'm concerned, You can just pack your shit and move out.  Go to Aunt Steph's house"  And I truly think I felt my heart shatter at that moment.  But then it got worse..as if it could get worse.  Then she says "I'm sick of raising 3 kids" "I've been raising you since Aja was killed.  I never even had a childhood.  When was the last time you even asked me how I was feeling?"  And my heart truly was shattered.  It wasn't the childhood part....all of that was bullshit.  She had been spoiled and entitled her entire life as the baby of the family.  But to say that she had been RAISING me..and to say that she had been doing it since Aja had been killed.  She knew exactly where to stick that knife and twist it fatally.  She knew I've often felt guilt over the times when I've been sick and hospitalized or times when my grief has overwhelmed me since Aja was killed, and for her to essentially call me a useless child...it devastated me.

Maybe I have been spoiled, but I truly have gone thru my parenting experience being blessed with children who had never disrespected me.  Who had never disrespected each other.  We have clung to each other because we were all we had.  It was like the 4 Amigos.  Literally.  Aaron and Aja were always best friends, Aja and Imani were best friends, as Imani got older, she and I became best friends...but growing up, we were just the 4 best friends.  And then Aja was murdered and we were just 3,  And Aaron was living separately with his wife..so it was just me and her.  And then Michelle came down and it was 3 of us again....and then Michelle had her tragedy...and left us...and its the two of us again...and April came to SC, but she moved out quickly.  And to add hurt on top of hurt on top of hurt...after everything she says to me...Imani tells Aaron that he is cut out of her life and breaks HIS heart.  So now, not only is my heart shattered, but so is Aaron's.  She has also blocked everyone that associated with me, the family or friends from contacting her.  Except for the one person who she is close to that I have had to now step away from just so I don't feel resentful.

And the only way that Aaron and I can compare it is...we are now grieving the loss of the last of the girls.  And we are all that we have left.  Yes, she is still alive..but like Michelle, she is no longer in our life.  And my heart is completely broken and lost right now.   And I don't know how to console my son on the loss of a sister who is not gone physically, but has removed herself by choice when he has done nothing at all to deserve that.  Everyone is like..give it time, she will come around.  But can those words she spoke...can those ever be unheard?  I don't know that they can.  I will hear those words in my head and in my heart until the day I die.  She is my child and I will love her until the day I die, but those words will forever hurt me, even if she does decide to make her way back. 

I think this may be one of those blogs that I post, but don't actually share to the usual spots.  If you subscribe, you will read it and that's fine...like I said..I'm a transparent person.  I dunno.  I'm all over the place right now.