I guess I should start it off by saying last year I started noticing a little change in my daughter when she got a promotion at her new job. I started noticing her attitude toward me sort of shifted and she began to give me a really condescending tone and making these little snide remarks to me. I honestly felt like she felt like was better than me, or looked down on me because she was bringing in more money than me. And each time I would mention it to her, she would speak down to me even more and say that I was being too sensitive, or that I wasn't watching how I spoke to her, so why should she watch how she spoke to me (?? I don't speak to her or anybody else disrespectfully, so I'm not sure where that came from) So this has just been ongoing for the last year. Sometimes small remarks, sometimes a little more disrespectful to where it will piss me off for a few hours or a day, but never too much.
So, Saturday morning, she said one of these little snide remarks to me and it annoyed me, but it didn't piss me off..it just irked me. I went in my room and closed the door to work on a project on my laptop, Nothing more, nothing less. A little while later, the baby started banging on the door and wanted to come in, and the next thing I hear is "Na'eem..leave Nana alone. She doesn't want you around her! She doesn't want to see you. She's mad at Mommy" Ya'll..when I tell you...at that moment, my heart BROKE. That she would say something so CRUEL to a small child...to say nothing of the fact that it was absolutely untrue..but it was just freaking CRUEL...you just don't say say shit like that to a small child. And just because she wanted to hurt me. I unplugged my laptop and packed it and the cord, plus my phone charger and a few other things and just got ready to roll out for the day. I knew I needed to leave the house for the day.
So, I'm getting ready to leave and as I got to the front door, she is sitting on the couch just looking pissed off, looking at the floor...tv..anything but me. So I said.."You don't have to look at me, but just know..what you just said to that little boy...that was cruel..and that shit was not cool..I need.." and that's as much as I was able to get out because homegirl just went to the LEFT on me. But the thing is...it came out so calm and so ....I don't even know the word. I can only explain her face...there was so much HATRED in her face when she turned and looked at me. There was no anger, there was no sadness...it was like a smirk and absolute hatred. And her voice was calm and collected and she just said "As far as I'm concerned, You can just pack your shit and move out. Go to Aunt Steph's house" And I truly think I felt my heart shatter at that moment. But then it got worse..as if it could get worse. Then she says "I'm sick of raising 3 kids" "I've been raising you since Aja was killed. I never even had a childhood. When was the last time you even asked me how I was feeling?" And my heart truly was shattered. It wasn't the childhood part....all of that was bullshit. She had been spoiled and entitled her entire life as the baby of the family. But to say that she had been RAISING me..and to say that she had been doing it since Aja had been killed. She knew exactly where to stick that knife and twist it fatally. She knew I've often felt guilt over the times when I've been sick and hospitalized or times when my grief has overwhelmed me since Aja was killed, and for her to essentially call me a useless child...it devastated me.
Maybe I have been spoiled, but I truly have gone thru my parenting experience being blessed with children who had never disrespected me. Who had never disrespected each other. We have clung to each other because we were all we had. It was like the 4 Amigos. Literally. Aaron and Aja were always best friends, Aja and Imani were best friends, as Imani got older, she and I became best friends...but growing up, we were just the 4 best friends. And then Aja was murdered and we were just 3, And Aaron was living separately with his wife..so it was just me and her. And then Michelle came down and it was 3 of us again....and then Michelle had her tragedy...and left us...and its the two of us again...and April came to SC, but she moved out quickly. And to add hurt on top of hurt on top of hurt...after everything she says to me...Imani tells Aaron that he is cut out of her life and breaks HIS heart. So now, not only is my heart shattered, but so is Aaron's. She has also blocked everyone that associated with me, the family or friends from contacting her. Except for the one person who she is close to that I have had to now step away from just so I don't feel resentful.
And the only way that Aaron and I can compare it is...we are now grieving the loss of the last of the girls. And we are all that we have left. Yes, she is still alive..but like Michelle, she is no longer in our life. And my heart is completely broken and lost right now. And I don't know how to console my son on the loss of a sister who is not gone physically, but has removed herself by choice when he has done nothing at all to deserve that. Everyone is like..give it time, she will come around. But can those words she spoke...can those ever be unheard? I don't know that they can. I will hear those words in my head and in my heart until the day I die. She is my child and I will love her until the day I die, but those words will forever hurt me, even if she does decide to make her way back.
I think this may be one of those blogs that I post, but don't actually share to the usual spots. If you subscribe, you will read it and that's fine...like I said..I'm a transparent person. I dunno. I'm all over the place right now.
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