So yeah....as we know, I was in the hospital all last week. Heavy meds, breathing issues, blahs blahs blah. I was discharged Friday and then wound up super sick with the same virus all weekend...wound up being taken by ambulance back to the ER on Monday for treatment (needed iv fluids, nausea meds, pain meds, etc) Okay..now...during ALL this time...here's our tmi part...I haven't used the bathroom. 😶 It wasn't like....an intentional thing. I didn't set out with the mindset of..."Oooh..I'm gonna skip a shit" I just have very ummm shy intestines. I typically cannot use the bathroom unless I am in my own home. I usually won't even pee at someone else's house, unless its like my mom and sister's house, or close family or friends. I also can't use the bathroom if I have other people IN my house, unless its my family. I know....VERY shy intestines. I'm sure there is some kind of childhood poop trauma somewhere way back down in my history, but I don't feel a need to go searching. All I know is that if I am not at home..I am not gonna go.
So....the entire time I am in the hospital, each day, 2-3 x a day, a nurse would say to me "Have you moved your bowels yet Ms Robinson?" And I'd say "No Ma'am...I doubt I will until I get home". Because unless they slipped me something, I know my intestines...they will lock up tighter than Fort Leavenworth, and literally...ain't SHIT getting out. So, Friday I get home, and by then...I'm feeling kind of ready..I gotta admit it. My tummy was feeling a lil bloated there. I had all that prednisone in my system, plus...aint gone to the bathroom now in like 5 days...been drinking 1/2 cup of watery coffee each day. I just knew. I good strong XL large cup of Dunkins and I was gonna be on my way to feeling free! Except....
I got home...had my coffee....laid down on the couch.....watched some tv. And a few hours later, the virus kicked in and I was SICK. SICK SICK SICK. Weak, coughing, chills, couldn't stand up, barely able to walk...just horrible. And since I was the only one home all weekend, I just stayed there on the couch the whole time. Got up a few times to literally hug the walls to go pee or to get myself something small to eat and to take my medicine. By Sunday evening, Mani and the boys were home, but I was still so sick that I was afraid that my rhinovirus had turned into Covid and I was scared to be around them. I was also feeling horrible. I knew I should go back to the ER...so back I went. There was a debate over my being readmitted, but once they had done a covid test and it was negative, and all of the xrays and tests looked good...I knew that I just was sick with the virus and I felt like...why take up a hospital bed that someone who is GENUINELY sick sick could use, for something that I can do self care for? I mean, I would have felt horrible having a nurse have to do extra work, checking on me, doing vitals and giving me tylenol..I can take my own temps and give myself tylenol at home. So I came home.
Tuesday, I went to go to the post office and found that the truck is dead...of course. OF COURSE. I either need a new battery or a new starter. Get in line muhfuggas...get in line. So yeah..back to the ole intestinals. Now we are up to Tuesday. STILL NOTHING!!! Now I'm getting a little pained. Ya know...the tummy and the back are hurting now. The bloat is beginning to feel REAL acute. I say, let me make a nice strong cup of coffee. Nope. Fast forward to Wednesday....because basically...Tuesday, I don't think I really did much, other than try to relax around the house and try to feel better. Yesterday. I started feeling a bit better. Went and got some jumper cables, because I THOUGHT we just needed a jump (WRONG) did Brys ABA and participated in a panel meeting with the school. After that, it was a low key day..by now, I am at like...what...maybe 8-9 days...not going? So last night, I'm greedy, I had a taste for a burger. So Imani and I get Burger King...burger was BOMB but way too big. My already bloated tummy was literally feeling like if you poked me with a pin, it was going to explode.
So then I had the bright idea to grab that bag of sugar free gummy bears that me, Aaron and everyone got as a dare..that were supposed to make you poop...but when I tried them the first time..they didn't do anything. But I was like...well hell...MAYBE this time, they might have some effect. So, I eat like ..I dunno, maybe 15 of them. At like 11-11:30 at night.
First of all, let me tell you. My room is THE hottest room in the house. This is not an exaggeration. It is literally, the hottest room in the house. This summer has been horrific for me. I have had to usually just get up and move to the couch, so that I can sleep under the ac. Last night, Bryson showed up to my room at like midnight and wouldn't go back to bed and it just never occurred to me to move both of us out to the couches...so we both were in here just POURING sweat. Maybe not him...thankfully, the babies don't seem to be affected by the heat as I am. But maybe its menopause, but I swear, I POUR sweat off my head all day and night long. I have to carry a small towel at all times. But anyway....so I'm laying here, hot...aggravated as hell from this hot, sticky heat and what feels like my 99 lb belly that is bloated and hurting, and all of a sudden......this painful gas kicks in. Man....I do not know how Bryson slept through the night. Or frankly how Imani or the neighbors slept through the night. Because I am here to tell ya'll. A bitches stomach sounded like a freaking Big Mac Semi Trailer was back firing every 15 minutes.
Now I usually pride myself on being ladylike and not letting loose any of these ole manly ass sounding farts. I am definitely more of a go in the bathroom or in my room and let out a soft ladylike poof. But mannnnnnn...let me tell you, I was lifting whole sides of my ass and letting em rip. And those bad boys were ripping. And then this morning, Imani says...Mum...if you still haven't gone to the bathroom, you need to drink one of those cleansers that I got. She got this set of like 10 little teeny juice looking things from some instagram business, that she said worked amazing for her. Had her lose weight and everything. Soooo....I chug a lug a drink. And I chase it with my morning 1/2 cup of Dunkins (because I am cutting back on coffee...I'm down to 1/2 a cup now and about 1/3 of the sugar) Anywhoo.....About 15-20 minutes after I chugalug......I feel that gas a rumbling again....so I'm ready for the mack truck. But ohhhhhh....now we got automatic rifle fire. So....I BLAT BLAT BLAT BLATTED my way down the hall to the bathroom real quick.
So now Mani has instructed me that now would be a good time to make myself comfortable in what feels like this 600 degree bathroom, and I am sitting here, sweating thru the pits of hell and awaiting my fate. Oh Lawd Ya'll....this ain't cute. Pray for me ya'll. I need some music and some crystals and sage or something...because something unnatural is trying to leave my damn body. It may be human. Okay..I'm gonna see ya'll on the other side.
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