Two Years

Two years, 24 months,731 days and more hours that I can count.   Thats how long she has been gone.  And although I appreciate the wonderful people who say things like....*this will pass* *it gets easier with time* and my all time favorites (NOT) *GOD needed her* and *she's in a better place*...Guess what?  NO.  It didn't pass. It didn't get any easier.  NO, HE didnt need her as much as I do.  And NO,Shes not in a better place.  The best place was here with me and everyone else who loves her

I guess Im just in a really negative space right now.  Guess its a good thing Ive been scheduled an appointment with a therapist tomorrow morning.  As I get closer to June 13, that abyss that is usually in the background part of my brain...calling to me....telling me this just sucks...wanting to bring me down into its bottom...it becomes louder and louder.

So many of her friends and even her younger sister are having babies.  Including her boyfriend.  It makes me so happy for them.  But it makes me so sad for Aja.   She should have been able to experience that.  She should have been here to style Imani for her prom and do her hair and makeup.  She should be here to hound me to make her favorites..empenadas and potato salad.  She should be here to convince me to go out to Wet Willies and drink some slushies...

So if I seem outta sorts for the next few weeks, please dont take it personally.  Its 2 years.....24 months...and 731 days since my heart was shattered.

Scattered Thoughts of a Broken Me

Scattered Thoughts of a Broken Me

 

I’m sorry for my scattered thoughts, but that is just how they come to me.  Some days, I wake up with a smile on my face and life is okay.  But more often than not..I wake up and it’s like a gut punch, with my first thought *It’s not a nightmare..this is my reality*  Because I’ve always been open and honest about my struggles, I’m able to say to people *I hurt*.

 

But I don’t tell them just how much it hurts.  I don’t tell them about the days when the tears are just sitting on my eyelids all day long.  Waiting for any excuse to start falling.  I don’t tell them about the nights when I bury my face in my pillow and attempt to muffle the screams that come pouring out, because I don’t wanna scare or sadden anyone.  I hold off describing how sometimes, my head spins with so many sad thoughts and memories, that it feels as though I’m having a stroke.  Or how it feels like the worst physical pain you could ever feel and multiply it by 1000.   I don’t usually tell them how much I wish there was someone who was here to hold me and let me cry when the sadness hits.

 

I long for one of her hugs.  Or to walk in the door and hear *Hi Mummy!!,* and giggle in her sweet voice.  I long to be able to experience her wedding, or her pregnancies.  To see her hold her first child and feel the intense love that only a mother can understand.   To watch her grow into the amazing woman that I was so sure she was going to be.  I miss seeing her with her brother and sister, loving on them and being silly.  And watching her struggle to hold Onyx and yell at him *Love me dammit!!* Or doing her happy dance when I cooked one of her many favorite foods.

 

I just miss.  I miss so damn much.  I miss the Lisa that I used to be.  I call her “June 12, 2014 Lisa”.  I miss being happy.  I miss feeling like the world is a good place.  I miss not having to explain why I no longer have 3 kids.  I miss being able to look at a picture of my child and not wanting to remember every minute detail of what was happening when we took the picture.  I miss being able to sing.  I miss talking to my daughter, who was also…my friend.  I miss her voice and I’m terrified that one day, I will not be able to hear it in my head.  I just miss.