Thursday, May 20, 2010

mini vacation time

okay, since I have to post from my phone, this will be very short. For the record, typing on the keyboard of a Palm Pre should be outlawed for anyone whose fingers are bigger than the average 3 y/o's. These small azz buttons suck monkey balls.

Today is the first day of my mini vacation. I'm off til Tuesday morning. My mom will arrive in Columbia in approximately 3 hrs. Yayyyyy, I miss her so much. She truly is the calm in my sea and my rock. When life is bringing me down, she reminds me to keep smiling and keep striving. Anyhooo.

Aja graduates from high school on Sunday :) Yes, I am a poud Mommy. It's been a long journey, but she did it. Imani graduates from 5th grade

Monday, April 26, 2010

4:30 a.m. ramblings

Sooo, it's 4:30 in the morning and I've been up for 90 minutes now. Imani is in the midst of a manic phase (nothing more fun than a bipolar 10 y/o..) and has been up wandering the house with EVERY light blazing since 3...therefore, I too am up :( I get up at 3 and ask her why she is up at 3. She answers in her manicky lil voice *WellfirstIgotuptolookformyglassesbutnowI'mfindingmyclothesforschoolsoIcanbeready!!*

Night before, she wandered the house ALL night..never went to sleep. I can't wait to see what tonight brings. Anywhoo....

Why is it that we never do our major worrying until the middle of the night? I had to get up and come downstairs because I was just laying in the bed..worrying, thinking, going over finances and trying to solve poverty, world hunger, the National Health Insurance debate AND how to pay Time Warner, Electric Company, Rent, Sprint and a food bill off a currently negative bank account. Yeah..it doesn't seem really possible to me either.

Dreamed last night that I couldn't stay in my house for a few days because a Polar Bear kept coming out of the wall and the exterminator told me that "No, you can't stay here until we make it out there, because Polar Bears will snatch you up out of your sleep. You gotta find someplace to stay* So, we went and stayed with Evy in Boston (MA). Yes..I still lived in SC, but it made perfect sense to me in my dream to go stay with Evy and just drive to work in the mornings.

My eyes are burning like a mickeefickee. I am gonna be wiped out at work today.

JaMelle and I had the funniest TMI conversation when he stopped by the house yesterday. Yes, I know it's TMI, but hell, ya'll already know I ain't got no damn sense anyway. Sooooo...seems that both our stomachs were upset all day AND we also had gas but because our stomachs were upset, we didn't trust that our farts wouldn't be "sharts", so we kept going to the bathroom every time we felt we needed to fart. Just to be on the safe side. That poor bathroom door was revolving by the time he left to go home, lmaoooo.

Okay..it's 4:53 and my alarm will be going off in 7 minutes to get Imani ready for school. You know you live in the South when your child's schoolbus comes at 5:40 in the damn morning!!

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Sit Yo Azz Down Saturday...

This is your chance to tell someone how you really feel about something. We all know how reserved and polite I am *coughcough*...so this will incredibly hard for me..but I'll try :D

First...ALL of those damn Kardashian sisters...sit yo man hungry asses down!!! Better yet...find a career that does not include pimping yourself out or television/club appearances.

Thirsty ass men...please sit yo asses down! If a woman has not responded to your texts, calls, emails, pleas, etc. Errrm..thats pretty good hint. Take it.

African scam artists...PLEASE sit yo asses down!! We have caught on..all we do is delete everything you send.

Skinny men in extra Smedium tshirts and wife-beaters. Please put a sweater on, grab a handful of biscuits and sit yo ass down somewhere.

I'm equal opportunity...chicks with muffin tops in extra tight shirts..that shyt is NOT cute. Embrace your fluffiness, love your fluffiness..be happy with your fluffiness..BUT...find a shirt that FLATTERS your fluffiness.

Undercover fat girl lovers who want to date us privately, but don't want their partnas to know. Sit yo ass down and grow a nutsack. There's too many men out here who recognize that beautiful comes in all sizes.

HIM...no names, he knows who HIM is...man, sit yo triflin ass down! Thatisall


Friday, April 23, 2010

Nooooooo, not the Booty Talk Series!!

TGIF! That being said....last night was just....TRAUMATIC for me. Wanna hear about it? Here it goes:

So last night..it was getting late. And someone had sent me a few errrm..flirty lil texts that mighta had my head spinning just a lil. Or maybe it was the migraine that I've been battling for 3 days straight. Or it could have been the pain pills I popped a few extra of when I got home from work. Or..never mind..I digress. Anywhoo...

So yeah, I say to myself..*Self (cuz that's how I talk to myself) ...Self...this would be a good time to pop in a flick* You know..purely educational reasons of course..I don't watch that nastiness, that horrible display of sexism and misogyny, the objectification of women (and some men) With names like Pinky and Roxy Reynolds and Cherokee. Ughh..nope..I don't watch that mess. I was just planning to umm..research. You know? Research so that I could umm...educate others about that flim flarm nastiness.

So I open up the lil goody drawer. You know the one where you keep all the really fun stuff, your movies, the oils, the contents of the special Secret Valentine box from your friend at the board (Thanks Dre!!), the duster, the 3 different sets of handcuf....uh..well..you know what I mean. So anyway..I reach in..hmm....move a few things out of the way....hmm...AHH, there's one of the cases..Wait. this feels a lil empty ..open it....peer inside at the empty black circle...nope..it's still empty...grab two more cases...same result. What da heyell? And where are the rest of the cases? And all the bootlegs in the lil white sleeves? Toss the drawer, because I'm SUUUURE the dvd's are hiding under something else. Go toss a bigger drawer where I don't normally keep them..but maybe I moved them. Nope

I go to Aja's room *uuhhh Aja? This is a little awkward, but umm...did you happen to borrow a whole drawer full of umm..*gulp* well..you know. Movies? From my drawer?* Aja gives me the usual look *BLANKbirdschirpingBLANK* "Huh Mummy?" *My movies Aja..you know...mooooooooovies?* "oooooooooooooooh, no Mummy..(insert her typical confused look and voice here)* Okay Aja..thanks.

I look all around my room now..just SURE that I have secretly been hiding porns from myself just in case the house gets raided by a bunch of bible thumpers. And then..Aja says something that makes all the sense in the world. I know...THAT in itself is such a irony...lol *It was probably that triflin ass ___________. He would know where they are and he did come to get his stuff while you were at work*

Awww mannnnnnnn!!!! How you gonna steal someone porn collection?? If that ain't the most triflin...cornball, stingy ass move!!! Not Pinky!!!! You could have taken the gift dvd's..the ones that I could care less about it. But you took the Booty Talk Collection!!!! That was just...uncivilised! Just unnecessary. I need a moment.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Okay...that's it

It took me something like an hour and a half...but I finally added some of my older blogs. The ones that I got the most comments on..plus Huggy Bear..the one that was chosen to be included in a book of blogs (Yes..I am serious!)

Read em..let me know what you think! Thankies to Ms Rikki for deciding to follow me!!

Sex On The Brain...Part Tres (3)

Posted 04/23/2009

Okay, so it's been like...oooooh a year since I updated my blog. You can see that 1 or 2 ways. Either I am so damn busy with my life that I can't log on long enough to blog...or I have NO damn life and can't think of anything to blog about. Either way...I'm BAAAAAAACK!!! And since I'm sitting here, afraid to go into my kitchen because there is this humongous water bug sitting on my ceiling...I might as well try to ignore my growing hunger pangs with writing...

It's time for the 2009 *He Could Get Da Panties* List!!!

Since he actually WANTED to be on my *I'd do him" list...The first one up is Kenney. Oooh, what can I say about Kenney..tall, sexy, we share some REALLY common interests, a writer (we all know how much I like creative men..oooohwheeee!!!), unafraid to be exactly who he is. Yup..he could get it!! Everytime I see him, I just start humming that song...* can you be my Daddy....Daddy...I can make it rain down on youuuuuuuuuu*

Jaye...everytime you update those pics...I swear..I see another level in your fineivity. Okay, I see another level in your *I would fuggemability* but I didn't wanna get that raw. Ooooh, if you were just a littlelotta bit older!! whoo! I would so be your Ms Robinson!

Great, Now I'm Assaulting The Disabled....

Originally Posted 10/07/2008

Soooooo...

As most of you know, I live in Sumter but commute to Columbia for work every day. And as most of you know..I have to leave my house at the UNGODLY hour of 5:00a.m. to catch the commuter bus into Columbia.

That in itself is enough to make you wanna scream...but oh noooooooo..this being MY life, you know there always has to be a story. let's take this morning, for example.

Sooooooooo...this morning, I leave the house at 5:00, throw on my zip up hoody and my jacket, because in my mind, the bats won't attack me if I can cover my arms and head. As usual...I walk in the middle of the street. Another one of my theories because we all know...if someone is gonna run out and attack me, they are gonna stop at that magical line in the middle of the road and not cross it, lol. So, all I gotta do is cross the street, right? RIGHT?

Anywho..Im speedwalking down the street. Ive tried to pretty much get my morning walk to a 7-10 minute timeframe. Not because I am trying to be healthy, but because my ass is SHOOK walking out there at 5 in the freakin morning!

Okay...I get past the first set of bats (I've figured out there are 2 main sets of bats that I have to look out for) Now Im on the one part of the street thats somewhat lit. I look up. There is this humungous, bobungous evil spawn of satan lookin dog about 75 feet in front of me. he was on the opposite side of the street than me. I swear, this muthafukka had to be a mix of like...rottweiler, pit bull, bull mastiff, wolf and wilderbeast or something. Now, other people may say he looked more like a chihuahua..but that muthamukka was BIG. Anyway, I swear, this bitch looked at me and went I stopped dead in my tracks and was weighing my options. I could cut down a side street, but then Id miss my bus. So I said, okay..lemme just cross the street. NO this fukka did not cross the street too.....I crossed to the other side...here he comes. I seriously think he was fukking with me. By then, Im just standing still in the middle of the street talking to myself *allright L..you just gotta walk past..if he runs at you...scream and run like a bitch. If all else fails..beat him with your purse cuz you gotta catch this bus* And then like magic...he ran off through a parking lot.

Okay *throwing my shoulders back* Time to soldier up....I walk about 20 feet and I look up. There is a man walking directly my way. *oh fukk...fukkfukkfukkfukkfukk* Now what? Okay, my old self defense classes always said to look them straight in the eye and say *WHAT DO YOU WANT???* So, I stomped forward with PURPOSE. I notice he is shuffling a little, but Im not falling for the okey doke..muhfukka wanna act crippled til he gets up on me and then he snatches my ass up. Nope...not happening to your girl L. Im watching him...he's looking at the ground....Im watching him....Im getting closer....Im watching him....closer......we are side by side.....I spin around and Im like *WHAT MAN, WHAT THE FUCK???!!!!* and I did some kinda freakin growl that I still don't where it came from like...*arrrrrrrr*

So umm yeah...turned out that he really was this crippled lil guy who also happened to be mentally disabled with something..it looked like Down Syndrome or something. an now I feel horrible for scaring his lil ass the way I did. Poor lil man jumped out of his skin and he was moving away from me faster than Id ever done in the morning. Now this poor man is gonna be telling people about the scary ass fat girl who is terrorizing handicapped people of Sumter. :(

I know you must think that was the end right? WRONG. Im walking ( mind you, this is all on 1 freaking street!!) Im walking...got like 5 minutes til my bus is due at 5:15. This big ass tractor trailer truck starts driving all slow next to me. Guy looking out the window at me. I glanced at him and kept it moving...he smiles and mouths something...I keep it moving..he keeps right next to me. I finally realize...this kneegrow thinks I am a hooker out here!!! Now granted, I realize I have sort of of a *crackhead hooker on the point* kinda walk. My friend Joyce has pointed it out to me. I swing my arms a lot. It's like, Ive worn stilettos for so long, that I instinctively walk like I'm wearing stilettos on a catwalk, even when I am in flats. So,a maybe I do sort of walk like a hooker on the stroll..but I wasn't. :( But he was not trying to take a hint. I finally had to turn around and be like *DUUUUUUUUDE, Im not a fukkin hooker!* And yes..I DID say DUDE...what? By then I was across the street from the station.

Jees...wonder what tomorrow will bring. Okay...that was my vent for Tuesday

I Finally Get " IT"

Originally Posted 06/19/2008

People keep asking me why I chose to move to Sumter, SC; and I keep trying to explain it..but it never seems to really explain my feelings. But as I was replying to an email today..I think I finally "got" it. I finally summarized what it is that I've been trying to say for a while. So I figured Id blog it. Hopefully, it can sort of explain my feelings.

*The move is still an adjustment, but I am so much more at peace here. I feel it to the core. BUT, I do miss Boston all the time. I miss the hustle and bustle of living in the city. I miss the community feel, the arts, the culture, the poetry and open mic scene (VCR!), the community activism, music, Slades, the different flavas of the city...Lenny's steak and cheese on coco bread, Dunkin Donuts at Dudley..all of that.

I think SC is for the here and now. The move was necessary....Id lost my love for and my hope in Boston. I need a few years to sort of regroup and EXHALE, to see some more of the world and see how I react TO the world...but then, I need to return to the city, maybe Boston, maybe Baltimore. Maybe I can view it through "new eyes" and a revitalized spirit and energy. Return with a new path for my life. To get back on the track that has always guided me..to make a DIFFERENCE. They say home is where the heart is, and right now..my heart isn't in Boston OR SC..it is still searching, if that makes sense.*

Bedroom Blunders...I Can't Be The ONLY One

Originally Posted 05/23/2008

Bedroom Blunders...Not for the Youngins or Easily Embarrassed. That means YOU MOTHER!!!!!!
Category: Romance and Relationships


I'm just gonna copy and paste these from another site. But they are MY words. One of the fellas asked a question re: bedroom blunders and I answered...a few times. It appears that ya girl is not as smooth in the bedroom as she claims to be! Enjoy!!! Get out Mother!! You know you don't wanna read this! LOL

Blunder 1: The "Art" of Seduction..or not

A long long time ago, I had an idea to seduce my then man. I set the livingroom up like an island. Had comforters spread out like 4 deep, surrounded by candles, soft music playing, the whole 9. He's reclined on the comforters in his boxers. I sashay out in this bad ass lingerie Id gotten and some FIERCE *fukk me* stilettos. I tripped over the edge of the comforter and went down face first! He looks up with a perfectly straight face and says

*Next time, you might wanna skip the stilettos and rock a helmet*
:|

Blunder 2: Again, I attempt seduction.....

I have decided I am not a woman who can seduce..not with props. I had another time when I wanted to go for sexy and got these (now I know) cheap ass, (like a 2 count) tacky ass, ugly ass .. -->coloro:FF0000-->.. -->/coloro-->RED.. -->colorc-->.. -->/colorc--> satin sheets. I mean, years later..I know how tacky they are, but I was a youngin then. But anyway...I put them on the bed and waited for my man to come home. I wore some special stuff. He's in the room changing, so I try to act cute..run in the room, jump on the bed....slide across and slammed head first into the freakin wall. Gave my ass a cuncussion. Im all hurt and embarrassed and all he can say *WTF is you doinnn*.. -->IBF.ATTACHMENT_1102181-->


And finally...Blunder 3..A Not So Cool Moment

There was also the time that I "squirted" for the first time...we were in the middle of the act and I just felt this big ass GUSH! Old as my ass was..it had never happened before. He was a real big dude..like 6'6" and 290 and was always doing these off the wall positions. So, I thought he had just like burst my kidneys and Id peed on myself! I jumped up and was in tears like *OMG..umm* (too embarrassed to tell him Id peed) and trying to think of an excuse to go jump in the shower and change my sheets. And then this fool jumps up off the bed and starts pounding on his chest like his ass is King Kong or something like *Yeah...what WHAT!!!? What girl? Yeah...I made you do that shit!!!* All proud. So, I got mad and I start going off...*N-Word, you just broke my fu**in kidneys and you are proud!! WTF is wrong with you???*

He looked at me and I swear..his face was just like *is she serious???* And then he just started doing this "damn, she's pitiful" kinda chuckle. Then he told me what had happened. I had to go call one of my girls to make sure. LMAO. I felt like I was freakin 14 years old...dumb as hell. This was only like 2-3 years ago, lol

What Da Hell Is In The Water???

Posted 04/09/2008

Okay..I know this is gonna be waaaaaaay TMI, but hey

I’m Lisa which always means....I have no damn shame and am gonna say it anyway!

WHY DA HELL DIDN’T SOMEBODY WARN ME ABOUT THIS DAMN SUMTER WATER????????

Apparently, you are not supposed to drink the water straight outta the tap. Or maybe, you just aren’t supposed to drink it straight if you are coming from a city that has decent water. That hasn’t been clarified for me..all I know is...if ya girl starts looking a lil SVELTE to ya and losing all of my umm...girlicious hips and ass and tits...BLAME IT ON DA WATER!

Wanna know why I am never on myspace anymore...BLAME IT ON DA WATER!

Wanna know why it seems like I have about 100000000000 pictures of the inside of my bathroom, but none of the other rooms in my house? BLAME IT ON DA WATER!!!!!!!

Wanna know why I never answer my phone? It’s because I don’t wanna bring aphone into the bathroom..that is just nasty! BLAME IT ON DA WATER! Okay...that was a lie...I just don’t like talking to people on the phone...you’re better off texting me. Plus..I do some GOOD writing in the bathroom!

And WHY is it that the least comfortable bathrooms are the ones you wind up spending the most time in? Grrrrr... Who the hell designed my new bathroom? One of the little people from Munchkin Land? Never had to twist and turn so much to wipe my own ass in my life...Okay...maybe THAT was TMI..but again...

I’M LISA DAMMIT! Muah!!!

NYC Again?

Posted Oct 10, 2007


Okay...it has taken me a few days to write about this trip. Possibly because I was trying my damndest to forget most of the details. so, make a cup of coffee and settle in to read

Sooo..last week on Wednesday or so, I decide I have had ENOUGH..I just need some time away from it all. I don't need much time..a few hours. But I need to be in a completely different environment. So, I decide I am going to grab the 15.00 bus into NYC and just walk around for a few hours. Pass some time and be by MYSELF. I go to work on Thursday and mention to my coworker that I'm going to do this. She mentions that she had planned to do the same thing this weekend, but she was planning to stay overnight. Soooo after MUCH deliberation and negotiating (I REALLY couldn't afford an overnight trip or paying a babysitter for a weekend trip) I allow her to convince me that an overnight trip would be a good idea. Aja and Aaron agree to watch Imani and Kia will stop by a few times to give them a break with her.

Sooooooooo, Friday night I go out to Slades and participate in that fukkin farce they called a contest. Don't even GET me started on THAT! leave there at around 10 and go over to Biffs. Have a decent time at Biffs, except that I was text arguing with someone who meant a lot to me and I was still pissed off about the whole Slades thing. Started dancing with a guy who I'd been checking out for at least a year or two. End of the night, he and I go to get some chinese food and end up hanging out until I went home at around 5:30 Saturday morning(YES..we really did just hang out..nada happening) Now, have I mentioned that I am supposed to be up at 6:00 to get dressed and go to South Station? Nooo, you say? OR, have I mentioned that I still haven't packed? Noooooo. So I speed pack and am out the door at around 7:00. Have I mentioned..I never went to sleep either? So anyway....Luckily, as I was down at the bus stop at the corner...a gypsy cab driver I know saw me and drove me to the station. Get to the station at the same time as my co worker...we haul ass because our bus leaves at 8:00 and it's ohhhhhh...7:59 and 30 seconds by that point. We get the LITERALLY last 2 seats on the bus..which means that of course we are all snuggly in the aisles next to these massive sized freakin men who wouldn't think of perhaps...giving more than 3 inches of chair space to someone else.

And the long 4 hrs to NYC begin. About ohhh.....20 minutes into the ride, the first of the Imani calls begin *Imani is bugging ut* *Imani just slapped me* *Imani is going crazy over here and is jumping all over everything* etc, etc. After a few calls, I call Evy and ask her to call over to the house and put the fear of GOD into Imani. She does and Aja offers her 20.00 to take Imani *shrugs* By that point, I was just like...FUKK IT!

Okay..got to NYC...can I just say..Chinatown has a REALLY bad smell going on. Like REALLY REALLY bad. I don't wtf smell that is..but it is so amazingly gross. Chef Ramsey needs to do a damn walk through and check out some of those kitchens. After walking around and waiting for my coworkers friend, we finally head out. Onto the NYC trains, which I have never taken before. Get a metro card and throw 20.00 on it, assuming we will use at least 20.00 going back and forth for the next 24 hrs. And we start riding trains. Notice I said trains...Ummm, I thought we would be in the city. NO..we are going to the Atlantic Avenue Motel on Atlantic Ave/Utica and Schenectady Ave's in Bed-Stuy, Brooklyn. In case you are not familiar with Bed-Stuy...just think about it's nickname...*Do Or Die Bed Stuy* Yup..that's where ya girl was going. Oh wait..no..it's get's better. So, on the last of the 5..yes..that's FIVE trains we have to take...just imagine every single stereotypical NYC subway movie you have ever seen...when that one ridiculously psychotic, insane in the membrane, slasher psycho gets on the train....YEP..he was on it. I start digging in my bag and trying to be subtle, but making sure..I got SOMETHING to kill this mickee fickee with if he comes near me. And then I'm wondering..hmm..if I get arrested for murder..I gotta go to Ryker's..the BIG House...I'm farrrr too cute for Ryker's Prison..even on the women's side, they look like the men. So I sit and just look like a punk...shaking in my boots, avoiding eye contact, and praying some man will take a bullet for me and sincerely doubting it.

Okay, we get off the train at Utica Station. Umm yeah..no doubt about it..we are in DA HOOD. I have lived in DA HOOD long enough to recognize DA HOOD signs. Okay, that's fine. We walk down the block and around the corner to the motel. Okay..how do I describe this 207.00 a night motel? Umm...hmmm.....can you say HOOKER HOTEL? JUMP OFF SPOT? You choose your favorite...We check in...find out that normally, the rooms rent by the hour...go upstairs to the room. The room...is the size of my bathroom. No...really. It's the size of my bathroom. There is a bed...no, you didn't read that wrong. There is 1 bed. I go downstairs and ask for the room with 2 beds..they don't have those..just 1. We say...fukk it...let's make the best of it. But then...the coworker and male friend start making google eyes at each other. I decide to go for a walk down the street to give them some alone time..figuring they might kiss, cuddle..but seeing as there is only ONE bed..that will be all. So I leave...

BUTTTTTTT..as I'm walking, I'm realizing something. Now, I realize, I can have a cute factor some days. But these Bed Stuy guys are being REALLY aggressive. Like following me in their cars and honking and yelling out the window. At first I'm thinking.."well dayum...maybe I should move to Brooklyn, where the men appreciate a cute bitch". But then, it hit me...OMG...I am walking on the freakin HOOKER STROLL!!! These men think I am a HOOKER!!!!! OMG..I felt so vile!! I have to admit..the thought did cross my head that "hmm...maybe I COULD make enough o get my own damn room" But then, I had to let that thought go. So, I dip into this little strip mall and get some lunch and some tylenol. Call my girl to tell her I'm coming back and she says *NO..you can't come back yet...we are________* Okay, all together now....WTF?? YUCK!!!! On the only bed in the room???? After another hour and a half, I go back into the room...feeling like the 5th wheel like a muthafucka and with no place to sleep or comfortably even sit *gag*.

The rest of the trip pretty much went that way. I never went anywhere because I was so tired that I fell asleep in the room and stayed in the whole time. Oh wait,no. We did go over to the lil mall and bought some things for the kids and I got some Jamaican pimp who followed me and then finally jumped OUT of his car in the middle of the lane and ran over to me...demanding that I talk to him. YEH.....

Next day, we head out and take the MUCH shorter trip back, now that we know it is only 2 trains that we have to take, not 5...a train and then the d train...get on a nice non crowded bus and then realize that it is about 32 degrees on that muhfukka. No wonder I am sick today. Get back to Boston at 5:30, but because I have to go out to Cambridge to get Imani...I don't get home until 10p.m.

Sex On The Brain...Part Deux (that's 2)

Originally posted 09/05/2007

Yerrrrp..it's about that time again. Time for me to sit back and ponder all the sexiness that is men. Now I know youa re thinking...dayum, she sure does think about men and sex alot. And my response to that would be: YEAH...and? So, in no particular order...

So I'm on Jury Duty right now. And there are these 2 ADA's that I see almost every day. Now I am not naming names..but DAYUM!!! I've had 3 months to ogle them everyday and think really raunchy thoughts. One has absolutely NO idea...maybe...then again..lately, he has been coming and asking me questions when I am alone on my lunch break. Now granted..they ARE questions about active cases we are working on and they DO seem like relevant questions...okay...on 2nd thought..maybe he could give 2 hoots about my sexiness...but dammit, it's MY fantasy! And in MY fantasy world..he REALLY wants me! LOL Now the other one...oooohwhhheeee...yeah..he is SESSY! And Iknow for a fac that he is aware of the effect that he has on women. How do I know this? Because I have personally lost cool black woman points about 25 times now. How you ask? How bout dropping all my files when he walks int he room? How bout tripping over my own feet when we have to walk somewhere together...how bout everyone inthe room teasing me everytime he walks in? Yeah..it's obvious..

Gbenga Akinnagbe aka Chris from the Wire. OMG!!!!! Lemme repeat that..OMG!!! I would let him fire than gun at me anyday...umm...figuratively speaking..I don't have a death wish...unless I am dying by lethal inection of..umm..nevamind

Idris...now see, there are 2 of them. There is Idris on the Wire..and then there is MY Idris...either way...I would SOOOOOOO do him. Well...umm..nevamind...*zips lips* But can I thank GOD for bodies that are as beautiful as Idris #2? Or would that be blasphemy? (Like it matters...we all know my red stilettos and lil devil suit are on reserve...ain't like I'llbe taking the up escalator anyway! LOL)

"Him" Yeah, I know there are circumstances which should make him off limits. But I want him...He gets into my psyche...my heart...my emotions...now if I could just get him into my pants!

Justenn...yeah, he has got ISSUES, but ooooh...she is just lil hersheys bar with his lil chocolate self. And that damn back tatoo...that is enough to make you lose your damn mind! Nobody should look THAT good nekkid..I mean..or so I have heard.

50cent Yeah, I know Curtis can have moments where he looks a little on the ...well..butt ugly side. But c'mon...don't tell me you have not looked at those arms and thought...eh..I can close my eyes *shrugs*

Terrence Howard...That pretty muhfukka.

The ole standbys...Meth, Busta Rhymes, Big Papi!!!!!! Yeah,t hey make the list erry year. That will NEVA change

Anyone here a fan of Wildin Out? There is this comic named D Ray ont here...OH MY LAWDDDDDD!!!! He could make me laugh my damn draws off. He's another pretty mofo, but at least it's kind of manly looking.

I have a few new additions...Raheem DeVaughn..YES I am aware that I would probably break that lil nukka into about 55 pieces, but he is just so damn sexy!!!!! And when he starts humping ont he floor when he sings...umm...I mighta felt a lil oonie jump.

Dwele...yeah...don't think I didn't catch ya checking out my daughter..but i'll forgive you. You are one sexy ass man!

Hmm..this is the first time I am writing this and I am not coming up with names really quickly. Must change this...we all know my level off sexaholicity. Oh wait...I think there are quite a few guys actually on here huh?
Okay..my child has indicated that she too would like to use the computer today..so I'm outta here!!! Send me some more names..add some sexy men to the list :D

Top Reasons To Embrace Being Single

Originally Posted 06/27/2007


Okay, so since I am once again living single, I though..there has to be something positive about not having my <3 here with me anymore :( But ya know what? The more I htink about it..there ARE some positives!! Feel free to add on at your leisure...


1: BLOOMERS!!! Now I do admit to liking thongs, boyshorts and all the cute little frilly panties that you get when you wanna feel sexy, sensual, etc. But dammit...Bloomers can be wonderful sometimes!! Sometimes you just wanna throw on a big ole pair of comfy big girl draws..and not be ashamed! So today I am wearing bloomers in honor of all my single girls.

2: No more panic attacks when out of the blue...you feel bubble guts coming on in the middle of the night! Yeah..you knew you were lactose intolerant when you grabbed that dish of ice cream, but hey...we gotta do it sometimes. But now..when the inevitable happens..and you start hearing that *blurgh blurple* in the middle of the night...you don't have to panic and get the *OH MY GAWD..what do I do now???!!!* You don't have to pull a ninja move after he goes to sleep and sneak down to the downstairs bathroom..lighting matches and running the water in the sink to hide sound effects. NO MAS!!! Let it go sistren!!! Let your gut bubble! Got a little gas? Let it out!!!

3: When you feel like having a loaf of italian bread with real butter as your dinner..followed by that 1 pound box of mike and ike..DO IT!! You no longer have to cook well balanced meals when you don't feel like cooking. You no longer have to hide the tollhouse cookies because you want him to think all you eat is tofu..

4: You can go to bed bare faced! No more trying to sleep in weird positions so that if he happens to see you asleep..your face is still lightly made up and your hair is still coiffed. let your naps show ladies!

5: No more holding back. Admit it..there were times when you just felt like reaching over and punching him in the jugular vein...but you didn't. Even though you might still want to punch him sometimes if he is not there in front of you, the air punches don't count, right?

Okay...that is it for now. I'll update with more if I think of them!

Random Facts About Lisa

Posted 04/08/2007

Random Info about Lisa


So, I was reading a really good blog today. And I told Torrie (the writer of that blog) that I might have to use the idea. So, since I have no life and I'm not cooking for Easter (because I already cooked yesterday) I said what the hell. Here goes.

- People never know what to call me, because my last name has changed 2 times since high school. People from my childhood know me by one last name, anyone from the 80's and early 90's knows me with another last name, and those I've met after the mid-90's know me with the last name I have now.

- Lisa is just my nickname. My first name is actually Alissa, but very few people know me by that or even call me that. Not even my mama..unless I pissed her off.

- My middle name is Joy..and yes..I've heard every joke there is about that name.

- My family and friends have a really (they think) funny story about me stealing the *Joy* Maybe someday I'll share it...NOT

- Met my father once and only once..when I was 16, in court for child support.

- my theatrical debut was in the 3rd grade. I played in the Jungle Book..or something along those lines. My mother would know..lol

- for a very long time in grade school, I wanted to be a spelling bee champion. I was briefly.

- I was very very intelligent in grade school and middle school. Usually in the advanced classes. Never was any good in math though. Flunked all 4 years of high school and they gave me a pity passing grade, just because I tutored kids in every other subject. Also managed to pass gym all through high school..even though I only showed up for 1 gym class way back in 9th grade.

- Was accepted into every college I applied to. Was due to go to Morgan State College and even had my bus ticket. They called the week I was due to leave and said my financial aid had fallen through. Instead of just working through that, I gave up and never went. Biggest mistake of my life.

-Signed up for Job Corp and was assigned to the Westover location. Got there, met the gangsta ass lesbian who they wanted me to room with..was scared of girl on girl rape and called for a ride home. Yep..my Job Corp experience lasted all of 1 evening. I had to sign a waiver saying that I'd never apply again.

- Met my first hubby right after coming home from Job Corp.

- I have a tendancy to get fed up with my hair every 2 years or so, go into the bathroom and cut it down to about an inch. Then I just start all over again until I get fed up again.

- My hair only looks good very very short or long..never anything in between

- Every single time I am getting ready to sing on stage (EVERY SINGLE TIME) my nose starts running. It's a nervous habit, but only with singing. Thats why you will usually see me blow my nose before I go on stage. If you ever see me turn my back on stage, it's because I wanna secretly wipe my nose..lol

- Some of my favorite movies are HAIR, FAME and The Color Purple. I probably know the dialog from all of them front to back.

- I went to Boston's version of the FAME school (Metropathways) in High School. But I was never satisfied..I wanted to got o the REAL FAME school in NYC. I studied theater, music and dance. And while I love to dance and can dance, I have never been able to learn choreographed dances.

- I have a fantasy about being in the stage version of HAIR and singing "Easy to Be Hard" it's one of my all time favorite songs from a soundtrack.

- like Torrie, I am very anal when it comes to spelling and pronunciation. I won't ever correct someone, but if I get a chance, I will use the same word in a sentence with them. Hopefully, they will notice the difference.

- Oooh Torrie and I also agree on the fact that we both can't stand Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton. On a personal level, add to that the ministers who pop up at every violent death in Boston. They are nothing but attention seekers. As soon as the cameras are off, they couldn't give 2 shits about you or the person you've lost. And yes..I DO know this from experience of losing someone violently.

- favorite songs of all time would include *A Change is Gonna Come*, *A Song For You*, *Casanova Brown*

- Favorite singers of all time are Donny Hathaway, Aretha Franklin, Teena Marie, R Kelly and Johnny Gill.

- love to cook for the people that I care about. My house has been compared to Big Mama's House on the weekends. Always have people coming in and out for plates of food and there is always something cooking.

- as much as I am Ms Independance..I'm VERY traditional when it comes to my relationships. I like to date "manly men" and prefer for them to take the lead.

- almost every man I ever SERIOUSLY dated has asked me to marry them.

- I love to go out and to dance, but usually you will find me just posted up in a corner of the bar.. people watching and drinking juice.

- very rarely drink liquor when I'm out. If I'm gonna drink, it's usually when I have a get together at home.

- love cooking soul food, caribbean food and pastas. I can't make any fancy stuff, but what I do make is usually pretty good. My mom wants me to open a cafe.

- never been a huge sports fan, but I can watch boxing all day and night..especially the bigger fighters.

- can't use the bathroom if there is a man in the house who is not immediate family.

- favorite bathroom in the hosue is painted burgundy and it is soo relaxing to shower with the lights off and candles burning and jazz playing

-I eat ridiculous amounts of original red swedish fish. Also charleston chews..but not the chocolate ones. I lost a filling because I tried to be greedy and hid my charleston chews in the back of the freezer. ..heard my child coming and bit down too hard on a frozen one. Greedy ass...

- cleaning and cooking have to be done with some nice old school musc playing loudly as I sing along

- hate cold water. never took a cold shower.

- breakfast is one of my favorite meals to make and eat

-am 5'5" and 3/4 and YES, that 3/4 really does count dammit!

- got first tattoo in Maryland

- have 9 tattoos now.I think I might be done

- when really nervous I don't know what to do with my hands, so I fiddle alot

-I walk on my toes if I am not being conscious about it.

- when really upset , I cuss like a sailer but then I get mixed up and start putting together combinations of swears that just make people laugh.

- I hate to argue and will avoid arguments at all costs. But when I finally blow...I am MEAN..like really evil with my words. I almost always feel horrible afterwards for what I've said.

-I can talk to my mom about any and everything. She is one of the strongest women I know..

-I tell my family and friends that I love them all day and night..but never say it in relationships, even if I am head over heels in love.

- I love the smells of yellow dial soap and love to smell a well groomed man.

- I love men and everything about their "essence" I love the differences between men and women

- can fall in like quick but it takes a long time to fall in love

- I'm pretty friendly with almost every one of my exes

- usually TOO open a book. I tend not to hold back when people ask me something.

- once I become disinterested in a man, I'm done for good, there's nothing that he can do to regain my interest

- hate females who are loud for no reason. sometimes i want to walk over and tell them to "shut the fuck up"

- hate females who need to be in the spotlight/center of attention. a real woman doesn't have to be the attention seeker people will seek her attention.

- only need 4 hours of sleep to function. more than 5 & a half i'll feel like shit

-the last four things were originally written by Torrie, but they were thoughts I've had too, so I kept them...

- I love to read. I'll read damn near anything.

- I laugh a LOT..but I also cry very very easily. I come off very tough, but I can be really emotionally fragile at times.

-I tend to wear fake nails because I have a very hard time keeping my fingers out of my mouth. I've tried everything,b ut I just can't stop. I even bite ont he fake nails constantly, but not hard enough to break them.

Messenger Laws Part 1

Posted 10/30/2006

Maybe if I type it large....the folks who REALLY need to read them...will finally see them. And if you think any of these apply to you...guess what? They probably DO!!! Feel free to add any that come to mind, okay....

1: If you are hitting me up on messenger 2 seconds after I sign on and/or you've sent me 466 im's but have NEVER had a conversation initiated by me....it's a good chance that I REALLY do not want to speak to you, I just haven't figured out a polite way to delete yo ass yet.

2: If you see me turn on my webcam and you don't get an invite right away...there is a good chance that I wasn't turning it on for your benefit. Therefore...do NOT start beggin to view it...Don't be thirsty.

3: If you ain't got shyt to say or you are bored...don't im me to tell me that...just because you are bored, it doesn't mean that I wanna be.

4: Don't start asking me who else I am talking to on messenger. Muhfukka, don't e-stalk me!! NO, you can't have my undivided attention...this is a damn messenger, not a date!

5: No..REALLY..I don't wanna chat with you for 10 hours a day! GYATDAYUM...I have been married to men and not spoken to them that much!

6: AOL users.....give me a gyatdamn minute to put on my away message!!! Don't send me 7 im's to ask why the away message is on.

7: Stop asking for every freakin picture on my computer. Are you putting together an online photo album for me???

8: No really....I don't wanna see your lil shriveled up weenie.....where does it say in my screenname *LOOKING TO SEE YOUR NAKED ASS*?

9: Don't "buzz" me...ever...never ever ever never do it. I will block you like the 767 African's who "buzz" me every day. WTF...And don't ask me why I am taking so long to respond to you. MUHFUKKA it is because I have someone BETTER to talk to at the moment! Hell, I might be talking to myself and having a better conversation.

10: And DON'T im me to tell me to tell one of my kids to call you or to ask me to get offline so you can chat with my child. GYATDAMMIT











okay..that was the start..I'll be back with more....
Originally posted 03/06-2006

Sooooooo...I'm sitting here, enjoying a leisurely day off. Now I know...to most of you...leisurely means you sit around eating bon bons and watching the court shows. But this is MY life...so that means...first cleaning up the kitchen and livingroom, so that I can gaze at the growing mound of laundry that is piled into the corner. Sorting through the 30 sum' purses I have and pulling together the 1/2 filled rolls of quarters that are scattered throughout the house. Ultimately getting together 15.00 in quarters. Considering that the washer and dryer each cost 1.00 for each use..that is not too bad. Until you consider that I have maybe 30.00 worth of laundry that needs to be washed. Okay....I can do this. I am poor black/white woman, hear me roar! So erra....if you happen to stop by my house and everything is dark and/or wet because there is wet laundry draped over it....just pretend you don't notice, okay? Thanks. Oh yeah..and when the hell did I think they were gonna stop selling dryer sheets? I go to find some this morning and pull out 3 jumbo size boxes, still unopened,and 1 regular size box that had a few sheets missing. I hate it when I do that...apparently, REPEATEDLY.

Okay..so this will probably not get my blogs sponsored by Sav-A-Lot...BUT....can we just talk for a moment about the shitty stuff they sell? Now I know that Sav-A-Lot can be very helpful. There are not too many places you can go get 6 bags of groceries and pay like 7.19 for them. BUT, I'm sitting here hiding from the cat because I made the mistake of buying him some Sav-A-Lot cat food and cat dirt. First of all..the cat dirt? Ummmm NO. Neva eva eva again...That cat shits like a baby elephant. Not only does this cheap ass dirt not clump....but I swear fo Christ...it magnifies the smell. Nasty ass cat. Maybe he's doing it on purpose though. I swear to GOD, that fat ass bastid tried to throw the can of cat food at me this morning. Now he is just standing in the entryway to the kitchen..glaring at me and sharpening knives.

So, after the cat food fiasco, I decided to make some breakfast. No kids at home today, so I can relax and eat what I wanna....I scrambled up some eggs and added some Sav-A-Lot cheese. WHATDAFUKK is Sav-A-Lot cheese made out of? Kryptonite?! I'm saying, I started making those damn eggs at 8:00 this morning and I'm STILL waiting on that gyatdayumed cheese to melt! Man..I'm just forgetting about taking any more time off to relax...I'm going back to work tomorrow.

I'm So Ashamed

Originally Posted 6/16/06

Yes, I will say it..I am ashamed of myself. :( Yesterday, I did something I swore I would never do in life. To me..it is simply unforgivable, unimaginable...unbelievable even. This was not something I would ordinarily do...but I dunno. Circumstances got the best of me. You can say I was unfairly influenced by my friend Cindy when we drove down to Maryland this weekend. For that..I blame Angie too...she could have guided me differently too. Okay...enough stalling....I will admit me evil doings, because that is the first step to acknowledgement and then acceptance..All I can do from here is to vow to never make the same mistake again. Yesterday......June 14, 2006....I (damn.....SMH..this is a big one)



I..



I....



Dammit...I WORE MOM JEANS!!!!!!!



FUGG IT..I SAID IT!! THAT'S RIGHT..I WORE SOME MOM JEANS GOTDAMMIT!

Allright, alright...calm down. I said this was gonna be big. I didn't mean to do it! During the ride down to MD, Cindy mentioned that she had a pair of jeans in the van for me. She didn't like the waist. Now..Cindy is a SHARP dresser..I mean, she always looks on point...so naturally, I assumed...these are gonna be some cute jeans. I admit..the idea of free clothes got the best of me. I glanced at them quickly..okay...color is cute....size is right,since Cindy and I are similarly sized. I didn't try them on, because I usually can fit anything in my size with no problems...except tops...the girls tend to need a lil extra room...but I digress. Anywhoooo....I get back to Boston Sunday night and drop the jeans into the chair in my room. Monday, I was taking it easy, so I never bothered to get dressed. Tuesday..same thing (no this is NOT a pattern), Wednesday morning..gotta rush to work...so I grab the first thing I saw...the unmentionable *whispering* momjeans. Now..the thing is..I didn't truly look at myself in a mirror on my way out the door. I threw the things on....*hmm..these are COMFY.* thought I. I mean..perfect length....nice and roomy....COMFY...a lil too comfy I thought suspiciously. I mean..even my booty had extra room. Now..I don't claim to have the badunkadunk of the millenium..but I am packing a bit back there, so normally, my jeans are like...huggin the booty. But I ran off to work. I got to Dudley Station and went to grab my mornng coffee. I'm looking at my reflection in the window because...well...that's what a diva like me does, and I thought..hmm...my profile looks odd...like..I dunno...I look old. Truly..I should have known when I was standing at the bus stop and this grandma complimented my nice looking jeans *GASP* I just figured..I'm a bad ass bitch...didn't think it could be because we were wearing the same clothes.

I get to work and rush off to the bathroom (do they put water pills in Dunkin Donuts coffee?) And I have to say..I was HORRIFIED at what I saw!! HORRIFIED. I had no idea..I swear to ya'll. I had NOOOOOO idea. I mean, maybe I should have. After all..the pockets WERE roomy enough for me to fit my house keys, work keys, money, atm car, cell phone and a donut in...but still...I didn't stop to think. I was so embarrassed. I am embarrassed to say this even now. I mean...I sat at my desk the whole day...too ashamed to be seen on the campus. After work..I slunk...slank....slinked...what they hell is the past tense of slink? Anyway..thats what I did...I ..whatever...off to the bus stop to go home and rip those jeans to shreds. The bus came along...but when I looked and saw it was crowded with cool looking people and the dreaded teenagers..I said UHUH..I ain't gettin on that bad boy. And you know my ass waited til a damn near empty bus came by....in the rain.

Now I am not gonna call out the place that makes these frikkin jeans..but they should be barred from ever putting jeans out there again. I mean...yes..they are comfy..and definitely you don't have to worry about your thongs showing..those bitches came up to my frikkin rib cage! Nor do you have to worry about bulging back pockets. The back pockets were the size of a postage stamp and started at the top of the jeans...NOT an attractive look on a big girl booty (big girls should only wear jeans with bigger than usual pockets that are placed low) But dayum..they were comfy! if you decide you want to buy a pair..I am sure you will find them....right next to the fanny packs and embroidered BINGO t-shirts with rhinestones.

The jeans have been shoved into the back of my closet...never to be seen again until I am handing them over to some MOM...a diva like me will stick to the uncomfortable jeans that I know and love..you know...the lift, zip, lay jeans. Don't act like you have never done the lip, zip and lay dammit. Once you have a few big ass babies, you know...when the jeans are tight enough that you have to LIFT the baby fat....ZIP the jeans real quick and then LAY your lil baby fat over the top...then you cover it all with an oversized shirt..or tuck your shirt in and then sort uf untuck around the bottom, so it camoflages the fat.

Pray for my redemption ya'll......

Huggy Bear?

Originally Posted 10/27/05

Okay...so last night, I am in Slades...doing my usual Wednesday night thing...sitting and running my mouth in between singing. I look up and in walks HUGGY BEAR and HUGGY CUB...Why do I call them that you ask? Well...Huggy Bear was wearing (I swear to GOD, I am not lying folks) a Full length black mink coat and big ass oversized black mink hat...and (I swear...I am not making this up!!) he was carrying a friggin gold GOBLET encrusted with fake diamonds....the only thing he lacked was some damn platform shoes with goldfish swimming in them!!!! Little Huggy Cub must be just starting out...he had on a 3/4 length black mink and a smaller but just as ridiculously oversized black mink hat...he was also carrying one of those stupid Bishop Don Juan friggin goblets.. Can I just say AWWWWW HEYELL NAW!!!! And I did say exactly that..only I forgot I was still holding a mic...OOPS



These fools went around the club passing out their BUSINESS CARDS to women...their cards actually said they were pimps!!!! *falling out at the memory* But umm....can someone please...PLEASE tell me...WHY was I feeling a little put out that the Huggy's never gave me their card? I mean...am I not prostitutable? Could I not be an effective Hoe too? Just once..I wanna be considered as good *BOTTOM BITCH* material!! lmaoooooooo.....please know..I really AM kidding about that folks. But ummm....I WAS kinda offended that they didn't find me HOEworthy...

Welcome To Motel Hell

Originally posted 06/07/05

I swear, I really need to work for consumer affairs or some shyt. I know folks think I make some of this crap up, but this really IS how the trip to VA went this weekend...

Motel f*n Hell

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sooo...this weekend was my trip to Norfolk, VA. Ummmm...allya Norfolk residents...I'm need to see you over >>>>>>>>>> for not hipping me to the fact that the gyatdamned spot I was staying at was.......





A FREAKIN" HOOKER MOTEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A freakin motel hell


I mean...dammit.....we checked into the Motel 6 on Military Highway....they gave us a room wayyyyyyy in the back because we had requested 1 with a kitchen. So we go to our room...nastiest damn room I have ever seen....we were scared to even set down our bags....carpet was disgusting, the room stank, the chair was stained...ughhhh...so I call the front desk...ask them when was the last time this shyt was cleaned? They come to the room...say *Oh my..this should have never been given to you..this is not ready for anyone....uhhh...no shit. So, they move us to a room 2 doors away. Still not great, but a lot cleaner.....Now, we have been travelling all friggin night and I need to pee....rush to the bathroom...handle my bidness....the freakin toilet is broken! Not only is it broken...but the damn handle is completely seperated from the tank..I open the tank so I can re-engage the bitch...that damn toilet aint even got water in the tank! Dunno when the last time that bitch was flushed. *ring a ling a ling back to the front desk* My toilet is broken...the broad says...*Oh, is it the handle? Yeah, all the toilets here are put together wrong...we'll send someone over to show you how to work them* EXCUSE ME????? So...someone comes over and fixes it....while we are out of the room at lunch..who in the f*** told you to enter my room when I am not in it???? *Ring a ling a ling*

By then, my friend is like..let's just make the most of it. So, we hang out all afternoon. That evening, we were too tired to hit a club, so a friend we know from Norfolk came to the hotel and we played cards and listened to music til around 3:30 in the morning. Finally..he leaves and we get ready for sleeping. Not 2 minutes later, someone is pounding on our door and trying to jiggle the door open. Oh, I guess I should also mention..the freaking deadbolt on the room door...DOESN'T WORK!!!!...she and I are panicking..like WTF??? Dude is yelling at the door, trying to get in....I call to the front desk...no answer.....I call back...no answer...I'm trying not to overreact and call the police but we are in there SHOOK..I mean, standing together damn near in tears...the front desk never answers the phone. We ended up having to call our friend on the cell and having him come back to the room and stay with us for the rest of the night. The man walked away to another room and our friend came, but I swear 5 minutes after he got there..the man was pounding again. Me and my girl were so damn scared we sat up in our clothes the whole night..too scared to go to damn sleep. That man stayed at that door pounding and trying to get in for 2 freakin hours...he would go away and then come back. It was during this time that our friend says...ya'll didn't know this was a damn hooker hotel? Ain't noone in the back but hookers and ni**as on parole...

8:00 in the morning...you know my ass went stomping to the front desk. I went to the left on them and demanded a room all the way in the front. By the end of the morning, most of our money for the rooms had been refunded and we had a beautiful room right behind the check in room. But WTF!!???

*sorry that was so long...just had to vent*

Sex On The Brain Part 1

Originally posted April 05

hell..why bother even denying the shit. I am like a damn dog in heat tonight...got sex on the brain....So...what better time to update the annual *They could get the draws list*? Yes dammit...I said...they could get the draws...don't act like you ain't never make a panty dropping list. And so what if you haven't..I know your ass has at least thought of one....So, in no particular order....

*Since I just got off an IM with him...Fine ass Derek.....oh wait a minute.....he DID get the draws huh>? well hell..he could definitely get em again! I swear....oooh.....ummm...yeah anyway...
*this new man I met at work....Billy. Soooooo not my usual type...he is short (like 5'5...okaaaaaay??) lightskinned...I mean LIGHT skinned...complete with these sexy ass grey/hazel eyes and blonde/brown hair...NO, he isn't white! (I know some of you were like WTF??? LeeLee finally crossed over!!!!!!!) Nope..he is black...just damn near white...and you know I like the big, dark brothas usually...but something about him....we have been flirting for months and finally exchanged numbers.....ummm.....yup....I feel da panties droppin....
*Method Man....You KNEW he was on the list, so don't act surprised...he will make the top 10 forever....
*Redman and Jamie Foxx get honorable mention AND honorable panty dropping because they repped us big girls. Can't forget D'Angelo (pre-crackhead days) because you KNOW he likes a big girl...and that is soooo sexy....oooh my lawd...remember his how does it feel video??? Oh sweet bejeesus..I forgot all about that...now I am really thinking hound dog thoughts.....whew!
*Goodgooglymoo! Richard Seymour of the New England Patriots!!!! OMG....I can't front...I would do him in the middle of rush hour..on top of a speeding car on I95...wearing nuthin but a red bow and some timbalands...that is all
*speaking of athletes__ David Ortiz and Manny Ramirez from the Red Sox.......lets PLAY BALLLLLLLLLLLLLL!
*this cat I met last weekend in MD.....pretty ass Jamaican man with the sexiest accent....Mercy mercy Percy....oh...wait a minute...uhhh...neva mind....
*Kirk....ummummumm....all 6'7" 295 lbs of him....*having a flashback* Dayum...I think I just caught the vapors....
*John Legend could hit it if he sang to me all night
*ditto for Ruben Studdard.....I'd try to make him Ruben STUTTER!
*I ain't gay...but ummm....Angelina Joile is so fawkin fine...she could probably hit it too....

Okay...I know now that I am officially having waaaaay too much sex on the brain if I am talking about Angelina Jolie...oh so what....don't act like ya ain't never had a girl crush before....this is my fantasy...fucccck it...

*Bill Clinton...coulda hit it before his heart surgery..I ain't tryin to kill the brotha...(ya'll KNOW his ass is black!)
*these days, a decent looking auto mechanic could get the draws...if he could keep my car running....stupid ass car

Okay...I need to stop thinking about ass and go call some.......eeny meeny miney moe......*pulls out the cell phone* Tata for now!!!!!!

(I know I am forgetting some, but dammit..I couldn't focus once I started thinking about some of the ones on my list!)
>
Originally posted March 1, 2005

okay..well maybe it doesn't make YOU go hmmm...but it makes me go hmmm...
low fat/diet ice cream... why?
people who IM you 3.2 seconds after you sign online....dayum, can a sista check her emails?????
that stupid *BUZZ* shyyt on yahoo......if one mo' fool *BUZZZZZZES* me 3 times after I have already ignored them....I SWEAR....
underwire on your bra that stabs you in the armpit....doesn't make me say hmmm..just makes me say OW
webcam settings....how come I can never get mine past either too light or too dark....
how do they put the creme in the middle of cadbury creme eggs?
Flava Flav and Brigitte Nielson......actually...that doesn't make me go hmm...just makes me dry heave...
why can't I ever remember my screen names and passwords to the sites I belong to?

My Trip To NYC aka Fung Wah Hell

Originally posted in Jan 2004

Ohhhhhhh...just where do I begin? I swear..I know ya'll think I make up some of this shyt..but it really does happen! This really IS my life! Okay.....so Friday evening, Derek drove Angie and I out to drop off Imani and then to the bus stop in Chinatown. They have a bus every hour to NY and it only costs 10.00 each way. We were attempting to get the 8:00 bus..of course, we ran a few minutes late...but after some tense moments..we did get our tickets and get on the bus. So...we left Boston around 8:30 p.m. or so. Now, right off the bat, we realize it's a bit nippy...okay, I'm lying..we were freezing our asses off..but we figured..gotta give the bus some warm up time.

Must have been sitting in the cold air a while..especially since Friday night was like the coldest day this year. But then...another rider asked the driver...*say dude..when are we getting some heat?* The driver says...*oh...this bus doesn't have any heat* Ummm....excuse me? I say very sweetly. Okay..that's another lie..I actually...*Fuck you mean the bus ain't got any heat???...I know this muthafucka betta GET some damn heat soon!* Sooooooooooo....we rode that damn bus....may I mention the name? Fung Wah....should be called "Fuck You cheap bastids who paid 10.00 to get to NY", but I digress. So..I am on the bus..Angie and I can no longer talk to each other because we now have our hoods tied as tightly around our heads as humanly possible and pretty much the only thing visible is our eyes.

I curled up into the fetal position and tried not to sob too loudly...although I don't think anyone noticed over the sounds that my chattering teeth were making. Angie and I have both agreed that I actually lost consciousness around an hour into the trip..I truly believe it did happen. Very disoriented, woke up as we pulled up to the bus stop in NY at 11:30. Yep...you heard me right....Speedy Fuggin Chung Wah or whatever his name was..got us to NY in 3 hours....I am glad I wasn't conscious to actually have to experience WHAT that drive was like.

So Angie and I attempt to remove ourselves from the bus..it' not easy with blue feet...but very gingerly..we made our way off the bus. Thinking there was a bus station for Anthony to come pick us up in..we started the walk around the corner....by this point..the 30 below zero temps and the fact that I was quickly losing consciousness again had Angie and I both pretty delirious. Ang very wisely hailed the first cab she saw and told him to take us to the hotel where Brandon was waiting. Ang called Anthony and told him to pick up my body from the hotel once he got off work.

So off we go in our NY yellow cab....aren't the faces of the pedestrians FUNNY when you race past them on the sidewalks?! GOD...one little hit and run and people wanna catch an attitude.

Anywhoooo.... We get to the hotel...looks straight outta the 30's. Brandon is happy to see everyone..I am damn near in tears because I can't make my teeth stop chattering. FINALLY...2 hours later..Anthony actually pulls himself to come pick me up :( He bundles me into his new truck and jacks up the heat. Meanwhile, I am still crying and asking him who he is, because I can't see through my delireum. We get back to his house and I got ready to go upstairs so I can just get in the heat. Nooooo..he has moved downstairs to the basement he renovated. Okay...we go in. I notice the living and dining rooms are a bit empty..but who am I to judge?

He shows me the apartment. They did a beautiful job on everything...the apt is empty but gorgeous. So, not caring about anything else..I throw on the warmest stuff I have...some sweats, tube socks and a t-shirt and Anthony tucks me into his very warm and comfy bed. It took until the next DAY for me to stop shaking..I swear to GOD. *I think my anemia must be acting up..I need some iron pills* I feel asleepa nd woke up the next day at 1:30, just as Anthony was getting ready for work. I get up and start noticing a few things.

Ummm....Anthony......why is your refrigerator completely empty? *You know I eat out all the time* Hmmm...but usually we keep at least SOMETHING in the fridge...his was so brand new, it still had the tags attached. It did have 5 bottles of water and some freeze pops, but that was it. So, I checked the cabinets..maybe I could cook something...nope..they are empty. Wouldn't have mattered anyway...since he never eats at home..Anthony hasn't bothered to even hook up his stove yet! Okay....no food...no stove....okay dokey. We'll just order something. Anthony explains his whirlpool bath to me and tells me to get comfy, take a bath, etc. He did go get me some chinese food...of course, without plates..it made for an intersting meal..but hey..I can be rugged. So he leaves.

I get nosy and start walking around the house....ummm....where's the computer?......and the phone? Okay...he has neither in the house...I'll just watch some tv, since he has cable. Ummm...10 minutes after he walked out the door...the satellite thingy goes down...no tv either! So, i'm sitting here at 3 inthe afternoon with absolutely nothing to do and noone to talk to until he returns at 2 a.m. I decide to take a whirlpool tub. Uh HUH...who in the HEYELL designed this nukkas bathroom?!! Everything is built for a man who is at least 7 feet tall! The bathroom sink comes up to my chest! I look at the tub...it is at least 5 feet high and as deep. AIN'T NO WAY I AM CLIMBING INTO THAT MUTHAFUGGA!!!!!! And even if I found a chair to get in it...how the hell do I get out?! No thanks..I'll just take a birdy bath. Ughh.....so I went to bed at 4 in the afternoon...woke up when he came back at 2:00...talked his ear off for a few and went back to sleep. I woke up the next day and it was time to go meet Ang and Brandon and start the trip home.

Anthony drove the city streets back to the hotel and I got to see all the city sights I have missed before. The Twin Towers site (RIP) was very sobering. Brandon, Ang and I went and had a great brunch at this little...little restaurant called The Shark Bar Restaurant on Amsterdam. It was delicious...but damn was it tiny! Then Brandon drove us back to our bus stop. Ang and I were worried about the bus trip home, but I had prepared..I wore pants underneath a full length skirt, a tank top, t-shirt and a sweater all underneath my coat. I had on my gloves and my hood. But Fuck You bus had redeemed itself...we had a gorgeous brand new bus with wonderful heat. Uh HUH...Now I spent the trip home sweating to death! Not only that,b ut Chung Wah's brother Slow Nah was driving this time...it took us close to 5 hours to get home!

And THAT my friends was my trip to NY in a nutshell. Until the next time.....

The Gym Visit

Originally written 11/2003

Okay...so I decided to go to the gym today. Uh huh....It has only been about 13 months since my last visit there. The guy at the front desk scanned my card and was like WOW...been awhile huh? Apparently, since I've been gone, they have made some changes...so I had to learn the new security codes for the locker rooms, etc. Anywayyyyy....True confession time.....

WHY did I LIE to my treadmill? Yes..you read it right. I Lisa....admit..I lied to the treadmill. There were people using the treadmills on either side of me..and they were looking all fot and everything....so I lied to my treadmill when it told me to type in my weight. :S I didn't lie by much. Okayyyy..I'm lying right now....I lied by like 60 pounds! WTF? You say tomato, I say tomatoe....60 smixty. Okay...my next dumb move?

So...after setting the weight for my NOW svelte self...I noticed that the 2 bony bitches on either side of me were running,not walking...and well HELL.. can't look fat AND lazy next to them running...so I had to set my speed to almost match theirs..not quite running,b ut damn near. I was....trotting. Oh wait...that sounds like a horse..I was ......joggerwalking. yeah..that's my new word. Okay...so as I'm joggerwalking, I notice that they have an incline of slightly more than my own 0.0, well..I CANNOT have that! So I matched theirs. UH HUH...These 2 scrawny bitches apparently find joy in hiking up the sides of friggin mountainsides, because I think that is exactly what a 5.8 incline must be! So now, I'm joggerwalking up a mountainside for the next 30 minutes.

To Hell with matching their 60 minute runs....And you know I can't quit because....well....then it would look like I quit. So...then I realized I was the only ass joggerwalking and holding the sides of the treadmill to keep upright. So, I let my arms swing as I walk. Yep...so now..I don't feel singled out because I am holding the rails for their designated purpose. Now I feel singled out because my body is swaying all over the place and I look like I am gonna go into a heroin nod at any time now. UH HUH...Okay..and I don't know what idiot designed treadmills..but my hands banged into the damn sides of that treadmill of every swing. I left there all bumped and bruised..None of which I felt at the time though..because after maybe 3 minutes I had floated off to some other world..I was in the zone. No..not the paradise zone..I was simply shutting down to avoid gasping my last breath.

Okay...so my 30 minutes are up...I swear to GOD (who by now was SURELY laughng at me)I went to walk off that damn treadmill...and I was completely numb from the stomach down! So..I floated over to get the shit you spray to sanitize the machines and floated back to wipe it off...all the while praying I didn't fall out in front of these folks. It seriously felt as though I were walking on clouds..I think I died for a moment back there. Mannnnnn...I tell you...I floated my ass right out the door and down to the car.

Tomorrow..I'm going to the gym at 6 in the morning with all the grandmas. And I tell you now..if one of them old bitches tries to go more than 1 mile an hour..I'm gonna knock her ass out....

The Intro Blog

Originally written 11/10/2003 Ages updated to 2010

Alrighty then..I guess I should make an introduction, since this IS my 1st Journal entry. I am Lisa..a happily single divorcee in Columbia, SC. I am the sometimes proud parent of 3 beautiful children (humor me..they are beautiful today...) So, in future entries you will probably hear about them and the rest of my family members and friends. I guess it might be helpful to give you a rundown on the supporting cast of characters, so here goes:

Lisa- That's me..Queen Bee, DIVA, Mom, Angel...beeotch....
Aaron-My 22 y/o son...artist, singer, Mack in Training
Aja Dawn- My 19 y/o daughter...umm..what can I say? She's 19!!!! Incredibly beautiful, considerate, and uhh..a little "spechul" at times..chatty at ALL times
Imani Ny'Jhea- My 10 y/o daughter. Ummm....she's cuter than HELL. But can we say Bay-Bay's chile?! There does come a time in every parent's life when we have to accept certain truths about our children. I have accepted...I have a BAD ASS child! One day, I WILL appreciate her spunk and sass. Moving on...

More of the supporting cast you may hear about...
Mum - That's my Mom..pretty self explanatory
Steph - That's my older sis
Bee - That's my older sis
Angie - One o my oldest and best friends
Shay - Another of my oldest and best friends...
JaMelle/ Melle - My best friend here in SC..he is my male Shay. If there is trouble to get into..JaMelle and I WILL find it!
Joyce - My SC Big Sister

That'll do it for now...Onto the first installment of my world....

Should I? Shouldn't I?

That does seem to be the question. I am trying to figure out if I can carry my old blogs over to this one and show the older date. That way, folks aren't confused..lol I think I will just copy and paste them and put that date as the header..or something.

Welcome To The World Of Me

So, after reading my friend Mia's blog here..I'm really digging the whole layout. Twenty minutes later..HERE I AM!! I can actually post to my blog from my email, and upload pictures. Very cool in my eyes.

Now I am just debating on whether I will go over to that "other" spot and copy and paste some of my blogs. I don't use that spot anymore, but some of those blogs were funny, lol.

Anyway..for those who don't know me...I am ME...aka Lisa, aka Mum, aka DIVA, aka Lis, aka Giiiirrrrrrllllll, aka *you know....that girl* I'm referred to by many names..some I answer to, some I don't. Take some time, get to know me. Maybe you'll like me, maybe you'll love me. Maybe the names you wanna call me won't be very nice and probably not even acceptable. Either way..you will have gotten to know me!

I'm Boston born and raised..rep it to the fullest, living in Columbia, SC with 2 of my children. The oldest decided he liked civilization better and moved back to MA to live with my family. I work for the State, doing all kinds of fun things :|, Have a really funky kinda band that needs to rehearse waaaaaaay more often, love to sing, cook for the people I love, love books, movies and harboring not so innocent thoughts about not so innocent men.