The Irony Of The Words

 I have been going through my oldest blogs and working my way up, looking for some memories as I have begun to finally write my book.  And I came across this entry that I wrote sometime in 2008, while I was still living in Sumter, South Carolina.  I was talking about finally realizing what had driven me to move to SC.  At the end of the  blog, Id written:

I think SC is for the here and now. The move was necessary....Id lost my love for and my hope in Boston. I need a few years to sort of regroup and EXHALE, to see some more of the world and see how I react TO the world...but then I need to return to the city, maybe Boston, maybe Baltimore. Maybe I can view it through "new eyes" with a revitalized spirit and energy. Return with a new path for my life. To get back on the track that has always guided me..to make a DIFFERENCE. They say home is where the heart is, and right now..my heart isn't in Boston OR SC..it is still searching, if that makes sense.

The irony is that the only reasons that I returned to Boston were stressors.  My child had been murdered, my health was suffering, my teenaged daughter had just delivered a baby that had complex medical needs and was expecting another baby...MY LIFE WAS FALLING APART AROUND ME.  I had an incredible support system around me in Columbia, where I was living, but I needed my Mother and sisters love.  I needed to be able to see their faces and to feel their hugs when I needed to.  To be able to see my son and daughter in law when I wanted to.  And I figured we would come back to Boston and my inner peace would return instantly.

Welp...I was correct in that my joy returned in that I was able to see my family whenever I wanted to.  I've missed hanging out with them and cooking for them.  But other than that, Imani and I knew within weeks..we HATED being back in Boston.  We knew we had made a mistake returning.  Yes, it is amazing healthcare for me and for the boys, there is no denying that.  I will not pretend that you really have to do your research and invest time and patience to make sure to find the right doctors and resources for specialized care in South Carolina.  And so we have taken advantage of every resource that we need to take advantage of here.  But internally, SC became our home.  Everything that I had been looking for?  The place to belong?  To make a difference?  To be an activist?  To be a voice and make a change?  I was doing that.  We had created a family down there.  A family that we miss.  Id found my poetry scene, my singing scene, my open mic scene, my Waiting to Exhale Crew.  

Like I said before...They say home is where the heart is.  And I'm no longer searching.  After living there for 9 years and being back here in Boston for 3 years, I know that South Carolina is home for us.  We are staying here for 1.5 more years, but the plan is to absolutely return to SC at the end of the school year in 2022.