Ready To Go

 Free Writing from my FB writing group. I have finally decided to make the leap into writing my book after contemplating it for many years.

Ready To Go

I stared dejectedly through the windshield as I thought to myself "Fukk this Lis! You tried 15x already. Just leave the shyt alone and go home."

I glanced out of the drivers side window and two of the barbers from "We Cut Headz" Barber Shop were standing outside, smoking and watching everything that I was trying to do, laughing quietly. This just pissed me off even more and made me even MORE determined.

Taking a deep breath, I made up my mind to carry this thing through, even if it killed me in the process. First, I needed to make peace. I closed my eyes and began a quick prayer to Allah. I'd be missing many of the pre prayer requirements, but Allah is all seeing, and he sees my heart. First, I prayed for my family, then I apologized for the 5 lb bucket of Jelly Belly Jelly Beans that I have selfishly been hiding in the back of my closet in order to avoid sharing with Mani, Michelle and Marcus, And I apologized for the damned good, but very out of Wedlock and therefore Haram fornication that I was enjoying tremendously with Marcus each night. And Ameen. After that very important cleansing, I felt like Allah knew my heart was coming to HIM pure and HE was ready to help me. So I took a deep breath.

And so I pulled the car forward a little bit and then carefully checked my side and rear mirror---no obstacles, so I'm good to go. I slowly tried to maneuver my way via twists and turns into the parallel space. Yeah Lisa!!! Good job! BAM BISH!!!!

Except......When I got out of the car, I was about 2 feet away from the curb...maybe 3. FUGGGGGGGG!!!!! Alrighty then..... Pull away and repeat. Pull back a little further this time. Now my rear bumper slams in the curb, and I'm damn near sticking straight out into the street.

Pull out and start again............Grrrrrr

Pull out and start again............Grrrrrr

Pull out and start again............Grrrrrr *sniffle sniffle*

Turn off the music, so I can really concentrate and see better

Give the pep talk. Let her know we can go get a car wash and detail. Maybe an oil change

Pull out and start again............AHHHHHHHHHH

Now I'm cussing this damn car....she's an ugly, ungrateful bish who doesn't appreciate how good I treat her and I'm selling her for parts after work anyway!

Sitting in the car, looking dejectedly out the windshield and I feel a presence. I look up and the man from the barbershop is leaning in my window. Ooooh, a handsome man!! I bust out my best flirty, sexy smile "Hey, how ya doing hunee?" He says " Baby Girl, c'mon outta this car. I'm just gonna park this shyt for you" And then he proceeds to do a perfect park in about 3.2 seconds, and jump out and go back to the barber shop.

Have you ever tried to walk away with some sense of dignity when someone just made you feel like you accidentally left your specially fit helmet, fig newtons and juice box on the little yellow bus?