June 8, 2015

June 8, 2015

I have finally reached the week that I have been dreading for the last few months…the week approaching the 1 year marker of Aja’s murder.  It still hurts to connect that word to Aja.  Murder.  It doesn’t feel right.  Murder is harsh.  Ugly.  Aja wasn’t any of those things.  She was a gentle being.  A free spirit.  My black butterfly.  Just like the Deniece Williams song *Black Butterfly*

“Now you’re free, and the world has come to see….Just how proud and beautiful you are”

Rationally, I can tell myself that I will simply put one foot in front of the other and get through that day much the same as I have gotten through every other painful day.   But man, when I tell you…EVERY fiber of my being is crying out, every beat of my heart wants to be the last beat. I close my eyes to shelter myself from the images in my head, but they just become more vivid.  I block my ears, but I can’t stop hearing Aja crying out for me. 

I think about and already miss the grandbabies that will never be born of Aja, or the husband she will never marry, the college she will never graduate from, the first house she will never get a chance to celebrate.  I think about the holidays that I will never have a chance to celebrate with her and her family, or the visits I will never get to look forward to as I get older..eagerly looking forward to having ALL of my children together with me for the holidays.  

I will still eagerly look forward to seeing my son, daughter and grandchildren; but there will always be a piece of me that keeps glancing at the door, praying that this nightmare will finally come to an end and she will come bopping through the door, arms bursting because she was carrying way too much of everything, ( because she always went overboard with gifts and decorations on holidays).. *hey Mummyyyyy!!!!  I missed you so much!!!* with that sweet smile that lit up a room.  

I miss the girly giggles between Aja, Michelle and Mani late at night.  The relentless teasing poor Aaron had to put up with from his sisters, and even worse if Kia , Jauhara and April were there too!  I miss Aja climbing her big adult self up into my bed to snuggle with me; or when I’d walk into my room to find Aja with all of her nail supplies..announcing she was doing my nails.  Even her walking in and demanding that I lay down so she could *clean up these ugly ass eyebrows* as she sang along to her favorite songs, with that sweet voice of hers.  It was always so pretty, but she didn’t believe so.  

I looked forward to those times that we spent together; I enjoyed her company so much in such an organic way.  I was so proud of the woman that she was growing into and I loved to just sit there and sort of observe her in her element, and watch how everyone responded to her..she was kind, thoughtful, hardworking, humble...and oh so funny.

Everyone says all of this will lessen with time.  I don’t know how that can be possible.  I don’t think the pain will go anywhere.  I just find different ways to navigate it and to accept the pain, welcome it home like an old friend and to understand…that the depth of my pain is simply a reflection of the depth of the love that I had and continue to have for Aja.

How Do You See Heaven

This is not fact, it's not fiction.....its just something I wrote....

How do you see Heaven?  I never used to be able to visualize Heaven.

I just saw the Pearly Whites; The Gates of Heaven

Our image of GOD, sitting there looking down at his scroll, deciding who he is letting in or who is going way back down.

But that was as far as I had ever imagined.

Until I started losing the people that I loved

And losing artists that I listened to

And pets that I have adored

When Auntie first passed away, I started coming closer as I would visit her

At first, I would visit her a lot, but always outdoors.  Usually sitting at the park

I needed to talk to her and hear her call me baby

I needed to tell her all about the things that were going on in my life

And how scared I was and how I didn’t know which way I was going to turn

And I would feel a hug wrap around me and hear her tell me that she would never let anything happen to me.  And I believed her.

But then something did happen.  Something horrible.  Something more horrible than anything I thought that I could ever return from.  And it was time for Aja to join Auntie in Heaven.  But I wasn’t ready.  I wasn’t ready for Aja to go to Heaven.  And if she was going to go to Heaven, then I was going to go to Heaven with her.  So I made a plan.  And I drove to Forest Acres at Rush hour.  When all of the traffic from the hospitals and Fort Jackson would be at its absolute worst.  And I pulled up to the red light.  And I saw the Big Rig.  And when the big Rigs light turned green on my red..I waited until he was about ⅓ way though the intersection and I closed my eyes, stepped on the gas and just drove forward into traffic.  I heard screeches, I heard tires, I heard brakes and then the car stopped.  I assumed I was dead.  I opened my eyes.  I looked to my right…..Auntie was sitting in the passenger side, looking at me crying and cutting her arms.  I looked down and Aja was sitting on my lap, holding the steering wheel..with her foot on the brake.  “It’s okay Mummy.  We’re gonna go to the hospital now, okay?”  And I did. 

And I listened and I did what I needed to do.   And after that, I began to visit Aja.  I shouldn’t have even worried about that girl.  The first person that I saw come up to her was her Grandmother Mickey.  And Aja smiled and laughed and they hugged so deeply and just held each other for the longest time, whispering to each other and laughing like schoolgirls.  I looked around and I realized that it doesn’t matter how you die….sickness, murder, trauma, old age….the moment that you step into Heaven….you are restored to your most beautiful and your happiest age, and it would never change.  You were in Paradise.  Perfect forever.

While Aja and Mickey were hugging, Aja got a tap on her shoulder and was lifted off her feet in a great big bear hug and spun around..it was Erick “Biggie” Gaines, her Aunt Shay’s brother.  She gave him a big hug and jumped down to run over and give his Grandmother, Miss Bobbie a big hug.  Miss Bobbie looked beautiful..she looked like she was getting ready to go out to a party!  Biggie was being as flirty and silly as ever and let Aja know that his assigned role was to promote all the good Heaven parties.  I couldn’t believe there were parties in Heaven.  He said yes, just not any alcohol or drugs.

It seemed to me that all of the connected people or people that you knew or were related to somehow, all seemed to live in close proximity to each other.  Nobody seemed to be thinking about bills or rent or food...in Heaven, everything is taken care of for you.

I looked up and my eyes welled up immediately.  Sitting over in a grassy area, surrounded by dozens of attentive faces were George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, Trayvon Martin, Rayshard Brooks, Daniel Prude, Atatiana Jefferson, Sandra Bland, Botham Jean, Philandro Castille, Alton Sterling, Freddie Gray, Eric Garner, Akai Gurley, Tamir Rice and Michael Brown.  But there was no sadness, no anger!  These beautiful men, women and children were there leading and mentoring and organizing young people.  Helping them to get involved in activities that would stimulate their brains...poetry slams, debate teams, writing groups, community newspapers.

I followed Aja around, still trying to find out what she had been assigned to do.  Every adult had a special assignment.  Sudden;y, we got to a huge , oversized Victorian home that  easily had 25 rooms.  She stopped before opening the door and suddenly the most peaceful smile came over her face.  She turned to me.  “It’s okay Mummy.  Really.Don’t you see?  I really AM in Heaven now!  This big old house is all mine!  They take care of it for me.  I don’t pay any bills.  I tell them what food I need, and the same day...all the cabinets are filled to the top with anything I could ever want Mummy!   And guess what?  All the babies and little ones and all the kitties...they are all for me!”  And we walked in and Aja was immediately surrounded by a rainbow of so many smiling small faces and babies and children.  All wanting to love on her and tell her about their morning.

You see, every single baby, small child, young child that passes on...no matter how...Aja has been assigned to be there to greet them the moment they pass through and to take them home.  It doesn’t matter how they died, the moment they reach Aja, they are made precious and perfect forever again.  The same goes for all of the kittens and cats.  And Heaven just keeps on adding more rooms onto that big old house to accommodate everybody.  The backyard has gotta be about 5 acres, with every toy and plaything you can think of.    There are lots of other people assigned to help with the children, but this is Aja’s house and she runs it.  Everybody knows that those are Aja’s babies and they will stay with her forever.

Oh, and Auntie has a set of rooms at the house too.  But she is out at either the Bingo parlor or at one of Heavens big card games 7 days a week.  And grabbing scratch tickets on her way back and forth.  And because this is Heaven, she has been winning on everything and is now a Heaven Billionaire.  The only thing she is unhappy about is the No Smoking rule in Heaven.  She hasn’t smoked since she got here.  HE has eyes everywhere.

And this is how I see Heaven when I visit Aja and Auntie in my heart.  I visited Aja tonight to ask her to tell one of my friends to come on back, its not her time to cross over.  I need her to continue fighting for her life.  So Aja, come thru for me