Where I Am From

Where I Am From 

February 22, 2021

I am from posters of Huey and Angela, hanging on black painted living room walls

From government cheese and Jean Nat'e

I am from six flights of pissy stairs, because the project elevators didn't work.  Winding.....tiring stairs.  That made you feel like you were climbing all the way to Heaven.

I am from bright green spider plants, and fresh picked daffodils and flower pots made from discarded yogurt containers.  Filling up every available space on the large bright windowsill, the many plants, basking in the glorious sunlight.

I am from ten pounds of fresh little chocolate balls in a big bowl at the end of December every year; turning into stale little foil wrapped piles of dry chocolate tasting powder that we tried to give away to anyone dumb enough to accept them by March, just to get rid of them.

I am from Sara Elisebeth Finley and ......hah...he's not worthy of the title Father.  Lets just call him sperm donor 67.

I'm from laughing til orange soda spills out of our noses, and knowing AND singing loudly as a family...EVERY SINGLE song that comes on the radio.

From "Don't be a tattletale Lisi" and "Stop reading in the dark..you're gonna go blind!"

I'm from "We're Marching to Zion, Beautiful Beautiful Zion!!!" with Aunties Betty, Bettie and Maxine all ready to shower me with baby powder scented hugs, kisses, praise and love every Sunday morning at Mount Calvary Baptist Church.

I'm from Boston and Scandanavia and Nigeria and the Balkans and Sierra Leone.  Boiled dinners of corned beef, potatoes and cabbage, glop, tuna noodle casserole and Fufu.

From the time that 15 year old Aja discovered "Barbados is West Indian??  I thought we were Mexican!!!??"

To the days gone by when 2 year old Aaron, suavely chatting up the college girls on the banks of the Charles, with nothing more than that big smile, a handful of dead flowers, a tired line "Here Lady...I picked this just for you" followed by some slick 2 year old conversation.  He had them completely under his spell.

From facebook, instagram, bedroom and living room walls, Steph and Lisa's houses~ filled with as many memories as they can possibly squeeze in and it still would never be enough.  Because we realize that tomorrow truly is not promised to us and there can never be too many pictures, videos, laughs, smiles, shared glances, bright eyes, hugs or memories to try and cherish

And Now The Tests Become Testimony

My friend Tee and I have been bouncing this idea for some time now.  Speaking and writing HONESTLY about our trials.  And eventually writing a book.  There has been SO much pain..that sometimes ALL we can do is throw up our hands and say...EFF it God.  What else ya got for me man?   

So...this is my honesty.  My truth.  It's not pretty.  A lot of it is not public information and it may shock people.  You may even want to stop reading now.  That's just being real .  I'm not writing it to gain sympathy or to depress anyone.  It's to say..if I can weather these storms, YOU can also do this.  And if you need help, we will weather them together.   That being said....

June 13, 2014 my 23 year old daughter Aja Dawn Robinson was brutally murdered by her ex-boyfriend.  She was executed with a shot to her throat with a 45, and then he stood over her and shot her in the back of her head.  He then took his own life.  The grief was incredible.  And the after effects a little too much to bear.

I made a half assed attempt on my life  in July by driving into traffic and was hospitalized and received treatment .  My younger child  made an attempt on her life  in August.  She was also hospitalized and treated.  During this time, my 23 y/o's "twin" ( her best friend that I had taken in at age 14) returned to live with me, as she was having a difficult time coping with Aja's murder.   On Thanksgiving eve of 2014..you guessed it...she swallowed multiple  bottles of pills.  Thanksgiving of 2014 was spent in the ER while she  received an emergency psych eval and  treatment.

With time, we got stronger.  We are all actively working thru our grief and I have started a fb group and a small still forming non-profit called Angels for Aja.  We will provide domestic violence education, awareness and assistance to anyone who requests our help.  In addition, we plan to participate in community events and keep Aja's name alive through love and actions.

On May 15, 2015..Michelle had a severe asthma attack.  She lost her heartbeat and pulse and was brain dead for 28 minutes before they could revive her.  She was on life support in a coma from May 15 until mid July.  She is now home, but at just 24, she is confined to a wheelchair, unable to speak, use her arms or legs, is in diapers and totally dependent for personal care .  The outcome is not expected to change.

Again..we bounced back.  We take care of her and attend to her needs.  Last week on Thursday, I went to the E.R. because I was having a pretty severe asthma attack.  Unfortunately, they admitted me within minutes and I got devastating news.  I have heart failure.  I have been in the hospital ever since.  And have spent today doing some heavy praying and thinking.  I AM a fighter, but I also am practical.  I was not prepared for my child's death.  I will not leave my remaining  children unprepared.  I plan to create my living and after death arrangements and have already spoken to the people who I would like to care for my children.

I plan to make EVERY moment that I am here a testament to the memory of Aja Dawn.  And to the strength of Michelle, Imani, April, Fred, Char, DaShawna, Jauhara, Kia and Aaron.  My children by birth and the children who I've been blessed to love in my life.   We cannot allow ANYTHING to crush our spirit.  I keep telling people...I miss Aja and for a while, I really wanted to go and be with her.  But not yet.  I'm not done here.  I'm not going to give up, but when my time comes, I'm at peace, as long as my babies are okay.   So...this is my truth.  I'm grieving, a lil crazy at times, struggling to stay afloat, angry, disappointed, terrified, heartbroken.  And STRONG.  I have to be after all this shit.  

Please love and protect the people around you.  I had a long talk with Char last night...very long.  And had to tell her some things that I know she was not ready for.  But she's one of my oldest kids and whether she believes it or not...she is one of my STRONGEST kids.  She now has a role.  To carry on my "Big Mama" role with April.  They are to make sure that all of the children remain in contact, remain a support to each other, have monthly dinners if they live in the same area, etc.  April is another who does not know her own strength.  She will though.  I see it in her.  I see the "big mama" makings in my girls, and I love it.  And I love them.   More to come.  I promise.  My story is not over yet.