Heartbreak

Today marks the first day I have been back to "social media" this week.  I'd taken a break this week.  Not quite sure if I'm yet ready to come fully back yet either.  This blog may be my only little bit of return.  Not even sure if i'm ready to be quite fully transparent about this whole situation yet.  But we know I have never been anything less than transparent about my life.  It's been a rough week for me emotionally.  A rough, rough week.  Extremely painful.  Extremely triggering emotionally.  

I guess I should start it off by saying last year I started noticing a little change in my daughter when she got a promotion at her new job.  I started noticing her attitude toward me sort of shifted and she began to give me a really condescending tone and making these little snide remarks to me.  I honestly felt like she felt like was better than me, or looked down on me because she was bringing in more money than me.   And each time I would mention it to her, she would speak down to me even more and say that I was being too sensitive, or that I wasn't watching how I spoke to her, so why should she watch how she spoke to me (?? I don't speak to her or anybody else disrespectfully, so I'm not sure where that came from)  So this has just been ongoing for the last year.  Sometimes small remarks, sometimes a little more disrespectful to where it will piss me off for a few hours or a day, but never too much.

So, Saturday morning, she said one of these little snide remarks to me and it annoyed me, but it didn't piss me off..it just irked me.  I went in my room and closed the door to work on a project on my laptop,  Nothing more, nothing less.   A little while later, the baby started banging on the door and wanted to come in, and the next thing I hear is "Na'eem..leave Nana alone.  She doesn't want you around her!  She doesn't want to see you.  She's mad at Mommy"  Ya'll..when I tell you...at that moment, my heart BROKE.  That she would say something so CRUEL to a small child...to say nothing of the fact that it was absolutely untrue..but it was just freaking CRUEL...you just don't say say shit like that to a small child.  And just because she wanted to hurt me.  I unplugged my laptop and packed it and the cord, plus my phone charger and a few other things and just got ready to roll out for the day.  I knew I needed to leave the house for the day.

So, I'm getting ready to leave and as I got to the front door, she is sitting on the couch just looking pissed off, looking at the floor...tv..anything but me.  So I said.."You don't have to look at me, but just know..what you just said to that little boy...that was cruel..and that shit was not cool..I need.." and that's as much as I was able to get out because homegirl just went to the LEFT on me.  But the thing is...it came out so calm and so ....I don't even know the word.  I can only explain her face...there was so much HATRED in her face when she turned and looked at me.  There was no anger, there was no sadness...it was like a smirk and absolute hatred.  And her voice was calm and collected and she just said "As far as I'm concerned, You can just pack your shit and move out.  Go to Aunt Steph's house"  And I truly think I felt my heart shatter at that moment.  But then it got worse..as if it could get worse.  Then she says "I'm sick of raising 3 kids" "I've been raising you since Aja was killed.  I never even had a childhood.  When was the last time you even asked me how I was feeling?"  And my heart truly was shattered.  It wasn't the childhood part....all of that was bullshit.  She had been spoiled and entitled her entire life as the baby of the family.  But to say that she had been RAISING me..and to say that she had been doing it since Aja had been killed.  She knew exactly where to stick that knife and twist it fatally.  She knew I've often felt guilt over the times when I've been sick and hospitalized or times when my grief has overwhelmed me since Aja was killed, and for her to essentially call me a useless child...it devastated me.

Maybe I have been spoiled, but I truly have gone thru my parenting experience being blessed with children who had never disrespected me.  Who had never disrespected each other.  We have clung to each other because we were all we had.  It was like the 4 Amigos.  Literally.  Aaron and Aja were always best friends, Aja and Imani were best friends, as Imani got older, she and I became best friends...but growing up, we were just the 4 best friends.  And then Aja was murdered and we were just 3,  And Aaron was living separately with his wife..so it was just me and her.  And then Michelle came down and it was 3 of us again....and then Michelle had her tragedy...and left us...and its the two of us again...and April came to SC, but she moved out quickly.  And to add hurt on top of hurt on top of hurt...after everything she says to me...Imani tells Aaron that he is cut out of her life and breaks HIS heart.  So now, not only is my heart shattered, but so is Aaron's.  She has also blocked everyone that associated with me, the family or friends from contacting her.  Except for the one person who she is close to that I have had to now step away from just so I don't feel resentful.

And the only way that Aaron and I can compare it is...we are now grieving the loss of the last of the girls.  And we are all that we have left.  Yes, she is still alive..but like Michelle, she is no longer in our life.  And my heart is completely broken and lost right now.   And I don't know how to console my son on the loss of a sister who is not gone physically, but has removed herself by choice when he has done nothing at all to deserve that.  Everyone is like..give it time, she will come around.  But can those words she spoke...can those ever be unheard?  I don't know that they can.  I will hear those words in my head and in my heart until the day I die.  She is my child and I will love her until the day I die, but those words will forever hurt me, even if she does decide to make her way back. 

I think this may be one of those blogs that I post, but don't actually share to the usual spots.  If you subscribe, you will read it and that's fine...like I said..I'm a transparent person.  I dunno.  I'm all over the place right now. 

Who Am I - Searching For And Reclaiming a Voice

 I was going to make this a podcast entry, but remembered that my Mom is unable to listen to my podcasts due to her hearing loss...so I thought...I'll do a double posting.  Ill type it out as a blog and then also record on the podcast (so for those who read the blog...no need to go listen it unless ya just the soothing tones of Lisa )

I've been speaking to a good friend the last few days, discussing life and our places in it.  As well as the footprints that we leave in this life.  I know that some people wonder (including one of my children, who mentions it VERY often in a not so polite manner...maybe some day she will TRY to understand ME and my WHY with a little bit more compassion) why I take and post so may photos and videos of my family and events..some important to me...but most just everyday laughter and smiles and doing random things.  It is because....digital footprints...at some point become..*wiping tears now* they become the sounds of laughter, the voice that you will never again get to hear, you get to see a hand movement that has become so familiar and that you are scared to forget.  I'm sure its all just a component of my grief process...to lose a child to violence...is unlike losing an elder.  You cannot prepare.  You don't take the time to study faces and try to memorize all of the little nuances that you find so beautiful.  You just assume.  You assume that you will wake up tomorrow and the world and your child will be just as beautiful as they were when you went to sleep the night before.  So now...I'm terrified of missing a nuance...of missing a beautiful moment.  So I take pictures..lots of pictures. And lots of video.  Because I want to hear voices..so many videos of voices.  I want to hear my loves ones talking, singing, laughing, cracking up, giggling, I want to see them smiling....I want to be able to look at them...ALIVE.  I want memories of them.

Okay, I totally got off track of what this blog what going to be about, lol.  I was talking about searching for and reclaiming your voice.  Years ago, I wrote this poem...and it spoke to how I, as a woman had become lost.  I had lost my identity after so many years of becoming everyone else's identity.  You know, we go from being somebody's child, or sister, to someone woman...to maybe somebodys mother...Nana...Auntie...it goes on and on.  I no longer know what it is that I like to eat, because I have been cooking what YOU like for so long.  I watch what YOU like to watch on tv.  I travel to this place for vacation...because this is where you thought we would like...I am...So and so's wife...so and so's mother, auntie, cousin, sister, friend, ex, coworker....I have been so many people somebody, that I had forgotten who LISA is and how to reclaim her.  And so then a few years back, I did the work and I did reclaim her.  I became more selfish.  I went back to school.  I got active again in the Columbia BLM and POMC community and I felt ALIVE.

And now, here it is...4 years later...back in Boston.  And I feel as though I am losing sight of Lisa again and I need to push to reclaim her.  I think this is why I am so committed to being so INTENTIONAL about this blog and podcast.  I have found something that is just for me and MY voice.  I am able to be heard.  I am able to introduce people to LISA from my perspective, my voice alone.   So..without further ado, Introducing Lisa Robinson

Who Am I ?

Who am I? You asked me that today. I told you what I thought you’d like to hear. I gave the easy answers…. Who am I? Hmm……

I’m Sara’s daughter, Bee and Steph’s lil Sis.  With the BIG lil brothers, haha.  I said I’m divorced.  A single mom of 3 I used to be married to _____ I started to speak again; but you stopped me, “No…who are YOU?”

So, I searched a little deeper “Who am I?” Hmmm…well… I’m that chick from around the way.  You know…that redbone who lives up at #687. The one with them bad ass little boys…and the son who draws so well, I’m the one whose daughter was killed.  Yeah…that was my daughter…Thanks.  I’m that chick that’s always cookin’ ; anytime you visit, there’s always something on the stove. I’m that chick that’s always reading. Trying to find the next thing to learn If pain in our lives teaches us…by now, I should be a scholar. I’ve seen sooo damn much. I’m that chick that all your boys talk about, “Damn..you got a good woman.” But you still treat me like some IG Thot.. Running in and out, coming as you please.

But as soon as I turn my back to leave…here YOU GO...fallin on your knees. I’m that chick you hear on the mic..singing loud and strong, Longing for the times when I can be heard as clearly …OFF stage I’m that chick …who still fights to go forward. Even when life seems to keep Pushing me back. Who tries to “KEEP HOPE ALIVE” when all along, my heart and hope has died.

So, when you ask me, “Who am I?” I’m that chick.. I’m that chick.. I’m THAT chick.. Stressin’, fightin’, lovin’, laughing, struggling, singing, sexin’, feelin’, growing, living, maintaining and screaming’

All of these words describe me. I can’t tell you who “I” am Every day I am someone new..so let me ask..”Who are YOU?

Its Gonna Be a LONG Day

TMI Trigger Warning?  Do you put tmi trigger warnings?  Should you?  Who knows?  I'm sure this wont up my sexy factor..but I'm saying...anyway......

So yeah....as we know, I was in the hospital all last week.  Heavy meds, breathing issues, blahs blahs blah.  I was discharged Friday and then wound up super sick with the same virus all weekend...wound up being taken by ambulance back to the ER on Monday for treatment (needed iv fluids, nausea meds, pain meds, etc) Okay..now...during ALL this time...here's our tmi part...I haven't used the bathroom.  😶  It wasn't like....an intentional thing.  I didn't set out with the mindset of..."Oooh..I'm gonna skip a shit"  I just have very ummm shy intestines.  I typically cannot use the bathroom unless I am in my own home.  I usually won't even pee at someone else's house, unless its like my mom and sister's house, or  close family or friends.  I also can't use the bathroom if I have other people IN my house, unless its my family.  I know....VERY shy intestines.  I'm sure there is some kind of childhood poop trauma somewhere way back down in my history, but I don't feel a need to go searching.  All I know is that if I am not at home..I am not gonna go.

So....the entire time I am in the hospital, each day, 2-3 x a day,  a nurse would say to me "Have you moved your bowels yet Ms Robinson?"  And I'd say "No Ma'am...I doubt I will until I get home".  Because unless they slipped me something, I know my intestines...they will lock up tighter than Fort Leavenworth, and literally...ain't SHIT getting out.  So, Friday I get home, and by then...I'm feeling kind of ready..I gotta admit it.  My tummy was feeling a lil bloated there.  I had all that prednisone in my system, plus...aint gone to the bathroom now in like 5 days...been drinking 1/2 cup of watery coffee each day.  I just knew.  I good strong XL large cup of Dunkins and I was gonna be on my way to feeling free!  Except....

I got home...had my coffee....laid down on the couch.....watched some tv.  And a few hours later, the virus kicked in and I was SICK.  SICK SICK SICK. Weak, coughing, chills, couldn't stand up, barely able to walk...just horrible.  And since I was the only one home all weekend, I just stayed there on the couch the whole time.  Got up a few times to literally hug the walls to go pee or to get myself something small to eat and to take my medicine.  By Sunday evening, Mani and the boys were home, but I was still so sick that I was afraid that my rhinovirus had turned into Covid and I was scared to be around them.  I was also feeling horrible.  I knew I should go back to the ER...so back I went.  There was a debate over my being readmitted, but once they had done a covid test and it was negative, and all of the xrays and tests looked good...I knew that I just was sick with the virus and I felt like...why take up a hospital bed that someone who is GENUINELY sick sick could use, for something that I can do self care for?  I mean, I would have felt horrible having a nurse have to do extra work, checking on me, doing vitals and giving me tylenol..I can take my own temps and give myself tylenol at home.  So I came home.

Tuesday, I went to go to the post office and found that the truck is dead...of course.  OF COURSE.  I either need a new battery or a new starter.   Get in line muhfuggas...get in line.    So yeah..back to the ole intestinals.  Now we are up to Tuesday.  STILL NOTHING!!!  Now I'm getting a little pained.  Ya know...the tummy and the back are hurting now.  The bloat is beginning to feel REAL acute.  I say, let me make a nice strong cup of coffee.  Nope.  Fast forward to Wednesday....because basically...Tuesday, I don't think I really did much, other than try to relax around the house and try to feel better.  Yesterday.  I started feeling a bit better.  Went and got some jumper cables, because I THOUGHT we just needed a jump (WRONG) did Brys ABA and participated in a panel meeting with the school.  After that, it was a low key day..by now, I am at like...what...maybe 8-9 days...not going?  So last night, I'm greedy, I had a taste for a burger.  So Imani and I get Burger King...burger was BOMB but way too big.  My already bloated tummy was literally feeling like if you poked me with a pin, it was going to explode.

So then I had the bright idea to grab that bag of sugar free gummy bears that me, Aaron and everyone got as a dare..that were supposed to make you poop...but when I tried them the first time..they didn't do anything.  But I was like...well hell...MAYBE this time, they might have some effect.  So, I eat like ..I dunno, maybe 15 of them.  At like 11-11:30 at night.

First of all, let me tell you.  My room is THE hottest room in the house.  This is not an exaggeration.  It is literally, the hottest room in the house.  This summer has been horrific for me.  I have had to usually just get up and move to the couch, so that I can sleep under the ac.  Last night, Bryson showed up to my room at like midnight and wouldn't go back to bed and it just never occurred to me to move both of us out to the couches...so we both were in here just POURING sweat.  Maybe not him...thankfully, the babies don't seem to be affected by the heat as I am.  But maybe its menopause, but I swear, I POUR sweat off my head all day and night long.  I have to carry a small towel at all times.  But anyway....so I'm laying here, hot...aggravated as hell from this hot, sticky heat and what feels like my 99 lb belly that is bloated and hurting, and all of a sudden......this painful gas kicks in.  Man....I do not know how Bryson slept through the night.  Or frankly how Imani or the neighbors slept through the night.  Because I am here to tell ya'll.  A bitches stomach sounded like a freaking Big Mac Semi Trailer was back firing every 15 minutes.  

Now I usually pride myself on being ladylike and not letting loose any of these ole manly ass sounding farts.  I am definitely more of a go in the bathroom or in my room and let out a soft ladylike poof.  But mannnnnnn...let me tell you, I was lifting whole sides of my ass and letting em rip.  And those bad boys were ripping.  And then this morning, Imani says...Mum...if you still haven't gone to the bathroom, you need to drink one of those cleansers that I got.  She got this set of like 10 little teeny juice looking things from some instagram business, that she said worked amazing for her.  Had her lose weight and everything.  Soooo....I chug a lug a drink.  And I chase it with my morning 1/2 cup of Dunkins (because I am cutting back on coffee...I'm down to 1/2 a cup now and about 1/3 of the sugar)  Anywhoo.....About 15-20 minutes after I chugalug......I feel that gas a rumbling again....so I'm ready for the mack truck.  But ohhhhhh....now we got automatic rifle fire.  So....I BLAT BLAT BLAT BLATTED my way down the hall to the bathroom real quick.

So now Mani has instructed me that now would be a good time to make myself comfortable in what feels like this 600 degree bathroom, and I am sitting here, sweating thru the pits of hell and awaiting my fate.  Oh Lawd Ya'll....this ain't cute.  Pray for me ya'll.  I need some music and some crystals and sage or something...because something unnatural is trying to leave my damn body.  It may be human.  Okay..I'm gonna see ya'll on the other side.

Trials Into Testimonies

When your tests become testimony...Alhamdulillah.   This is where I was Tuesday:

No covid, but I am on a covid unit because I have rhinovirus. Apparently rhinovirus affects regular people just like a cold, but for people with severe asthma or copd, it's been attacking their lungs exactly like covid, and they've been seeing a rise in deaths. They have also seen an increase in dual infections with people with severe asthma and copd...they have been presenting with both covid and rhinovirus. 

Thankfully, I have tested negative for covid, but the rhinovirus is hitting my lungs very hard. It basically keeps them inflamed and seems to make them resistant to the usual medical treatment. They have already sat with me and had the conversations regarding my "choices", should it come to that...do I want to be resuscitated,  do I want to be intubated if I can no longer breathe on my own, who my medical proxy is in the event that i can no longer make my medical choices for myself.  

They also found that due to working so hard from the asthma, my heart is now leaking proteins, so they are concerned that I am close to having a heart attack.

In full disclosure..only a few of you know..but about 3 weeks ago..my doctors also discovered that I have a mass in my lung, in addition to some smaller nodules.  I am assured that we are going to follow up on this, but also that as a non smoker..my risks are very small for lung cancer.   GOD got this y'all!  Besides, HE ain't ready for me AND Aja's foolishness up in the same place again, lol.

Like I said..all of this was Tuesday..Now its Friday and here comes the Testimony...I'm breathing on my own again...Alhamdulillah!  And the leak in my heart has stopped for now.  We will follow up on that.  So ya girl is going home today ❤  I'll be on full bedrest for a few days, as I still get too winded standing up or walking..and I'll be on breathing treatments every 2-4 hours..but I can do it from home.  Thank You so much to everyone who has prayed over me, called, message, texted, left comments, etc.. I've seen them all and I have so much gratitude.  Thank You.  I Love You

So We Just Gon Pretend Like That Didnt Happen?

So, almost 2 weeks ago, I was in the ER with a bad asthma attack and the nurse said she was putting some magnesium in my iv.  Almost immediately (like within 60 seconds) I told her I felt like I was about to pass out..my eyes started rolling around in my head like a pinball machine literally..I could feel them.  And I swear on my children..it felt like my head swelled up to the size of a watermelon and was still swelling...She threw the bars up on the stretcher and started screaming for help and started yelling some codes.  A bunch of people rushed in.  My head was spinning so hard inside, I could hear it..it was painful...I had people holding my body down on the stretcher because I was jerking up off of it.  I just kept screaming that something didn't feel right and I didnt like how it felt..it felt like when I had my stroke before.  I honestly thought I was dying on the table.  I heard them say they were going to give me 2 medications thru my iv which should help.  And then, my body just got really heavy..my head was super heavy..I couldn't control my eyes from rolling around in my head though...they just kept doing it.  And then all of a sudden, my whole face, my hands and my feet all started having severe what do you call it...that pin prickly feeling?  Super painful.  like from the forearms down to my fingertips.  I kept telling them that, but then all of a sudden, my tongue felt very swollen, and I could not speak any longer.  It felt like my tongue was too thick.  My head still felt swollen.  I just laid there like that...just DRAINED and in pain for probably over an hour.  The nurse says to me that my body was just tired from fighting to breathe for so long and had a reaction :/  

So, two days later, I'm still inpatient and wondering why they still havent done any sort of testing, questioning, etc, so I'm talking to the Dr on the floor before I leave, to follow upon it and see if I  need to have some neuro testing or what...and the Dr is like HUH?  There was ZERO mention of any of the entire incident in my chart.  Nothing.  Okay..Sooooo....we just gon pretend that it didnt happen?  Nurse didnt make one notation about any of it.  The possible seizure ( I had epilepsy as a child up until my early adulthood and then again during each pregnancy..I know what seizures can look like) or reaction to something that was possibly erroneously injected into the iv...never mentioned. *shrug*  I guess I'll never know 

Transparency

I promised myself that in 2020, I would be transparent and focus on MY self care and removing the stigma of NEEDING self care.  

So....this week has been one of heightened anxiety and some low feelings for me.  A year ago tomorrow, I experienced something very traumatic that honestly shattered my sense of safety and left me feeling kind of emotionally and physically paralyzed for about 5-6 months.  

I'm better now, but didnt realize that something as small as the date coming up would evoke such panic and anxiety within.  I'll be being very kind to myself tomorrow.  Just probably doing some reading, listening to some soothing music and checking in with some people who nurture my soul.  And honestly...probably doing a little bit of crying and releasing some of the energy that needs to get out.  Thanks ya'll for loving me in all of my perfect imperfections 💜💜

It's Just One of Them Days

*its just one of them dayssssss*

I swear...its like the stars aligned and decided to throw me the double middle fingers this morning, lol 🖕🏽🖕🏽

Na'eem had a restless night next to me..hot as hell, tossing, sweating and then peeing me outta my bed.  Woke up running a fever of 103.1. 

Instantly get some motrin in him and run him a tepid bath while Imani tries to call the drs office and is put on hold.  While trying to cool Na'eem down in the tub, I feel a drip....drip....drip..on my back.  Look up.  Ceiling is leaking in 2 different places.  Not only that..but one whole section of the wall has bubbled up, so I dunno how long that leak was going.  Grab phone and call landlord to let him know.

Get Na'eem dressed in some warm pj's and under some blankets...Imani has now been on hold 20+ minutes...and gets disconnected.  Now I try calling....30 minutes on hold...still no answer.  Try calling back...repeat...30 minutes on hold...hang up.  Call the social worker to see if the phone lines are down..no answer, leave a message. 

Now it's going on 11.  Got the fever down some and he is sleeping.  

We were trying to have Na'eem seen this morning so that Imani could take him before she has to leave for work.  For once, she doesn't have to be at work until 4, so she could have gotten him to an appointment up until probably like 1.  But at this point, it's now 11...she wouldn't be able to get an appointment until at least 12:30-1.  So yeah....I'm frustrated.  And I'm hoping that Na'eem's fever doesnt spike again this evening or tonight while alone with both the babies.

Ughh...I'm tired.  Literally, this entire house has been since Christmas Day.  The babies have passed this virus back and forth between each other with no healthy time since Christmas, and I am just now getting over my health scare, and coming down with another cold.  FML.