So You Think You Know Me?

Understanding me is a losing battle!  I confuse my own damn self and yet...it all makes perfect sense to me ...probably why Ill be single til Im 99!  On Monday I love you and never wanna lose you , Tuesday you burped or farted and annoyed me and became unattractive , Wednesday you stole a jelly belly jelly bean when I wasnt looking and Im ready to stab you with a spork, Thursday I miss the hell outta you and need you back in my life and would probably marry you if you stopped by the Justice (see example hubbies 1&2 from my past), Friday I saw some big, tatted, bearded dude walking by and and he caught my eye, Saturday Ive deleted your number and am texting with big, tatted, bearded dude without so much as a goodbye nukka *DEUCES* to you ...Sunday, I don't wanna be bothered ever again in life and want to move away and live in a bunker.  Welcome to the mind and heart of Lisa.  To know me is to either love the hell outta me or want to punch me in the throat with brass knuckles.  Sometimes both on the same day.

I Release You. Rest In Peace Jeremy Mickens

I'll never understand how you could take away the air I breathe and one of the only loves of my life Jeremy.  But I forgive you babe.  Because I know the love that Aja had for you as a person and she would be sad if I didnt forgive you.  My family and friends may never understand my forgiveness, but if Allah can forgive me, I can forgive you.  Insha Allah, I  pray that you rest with the Angels and your heart is no longer hurting Jeremy Mickens.  Be at Peace now #RestinParadise #TryingtoHeal #Ireleaseyou #JeremyMickens #AngelsforAja #AjaDawnRobinson #June13

June 8, 2015

I have finally reached the week that I have been dreading for the last few months…the week approaching the 1 year marker.

Rationally, I can tell myself that I will simply put one foot in front of the other and get thru that day much the same as I have gotten thru every other painful day.   But man, when I tell you…EVERY fiber of my being is crying out, every beat of my heart wants to be the last beat, I close my eyes to shelter myself from the images in my head but they just get more vivid.  I block my ears, but I can’t stop hearing Aja crying out for me. 

I think about and already miss the grandbabies that will never be born of Aja, or the husband she will never marry, the college she will never graduate from, the first house she will never get a chance to celebrate.  I miss the girly giggles between Aja, Michelle and Mani late at night.  The relentless teasing poor Aaron had to put up with.  Aja climbing up into my bed to snuggle with me, or walking in my room with all of her nail supplies..announcing she was doing my nails.  Even her walking in and demanding that I lay down so she could *clean up these ugly a** eyebrows*

Everyone says all of this will lessen with time.  I don’t know how that can be possible.  I don’t think the pain will do anywhere.  I just find different ways to navigate it and to accept the pain, welcome it home like an old friend and understand…the depth of my pain is simply a reflection of the depth of the love that I continue to have for Aja.

After The Headlines (What Happens Next)

Surving the first week.

How, Why, NO and My Baby.  I think those were the only words that I managed to get out for the first week.  My life had totally collapsed.  My baby was gone.  A part of me died on June 13 at approximately 5:48am. 

I couldn't understand, I WOULDN'T comprehend, I couldn't wrap my brain around the fact that my child was no longer here.

My memory of the first week is hazy.  I was medicated for all of the first 2 months or so.  I mean nonstop...24 hours a day.  I thank Allah for that.  I don't know if I would have ever made it thru that time period otherwise.  But I will try to tell the story. 

Immediately after the Coroner arrived to my house.  One of my bosses and my friend/coworker showed up.  Apparently,  the police had tried to find me at work before trying my house.  When th coroner showed up, I yelled for my niece Kia to get Imani out of the house..to go for a drive.  I knew what I was about to hear, and I didnt want Imani to hear the details.  Kia and her friend rushed  Imani out of the house and drove away.

Thats when I get hazy.  I remember calling my close friend and crying into the phone that I needed her.  I remember my boss and coworker trying to console me, but I was past consolation.  The coroner left and my friends started the first cycle of phone calls.  The hardest calls in my life were to my son and mother.  I still dont remember if I called Aja's father or someone else did.  I don't remember much of anything after that. 

My closest friends began showing up at that point.  I know that within hours of my call, my mother, sister and niece were on the road to SC from Boston.  My son and daughter Michelle would be flying in the next day.  I was prescribed Ativan by the agency's Medical Director and someone picked it up, and I was kept on it around the clock.

I don't know when or how the media interview requests came in.  I just recall them coming starting on Saturday.  Or maybe it was Friday.  I don't recall speaking, but apparently I did.  In hindsight, looking at the interviews...I just appeared drugged.  I don't remember how the funeral arrangements were made.  Tiffany stepped in and helped coordinate all of that.  I do know that the funeral home, Leevy's were so incredibly kind and I am forever indebted.

It was at that point, that I learned about the GoFundMe account that had been eatablished by my close friends.  Again, I am forever indebted to the generosity and kindness of so many people.  There were also fundraisers being planned by friends among the karaoke community in Columbia and Club 555 management.

Unfortunately, I truly don't remember much of this time.  I know that my brother came down from Greenville, Imani's daddy came in from Boston and a friend of mine took it upon himself to have my car repaired and made drivable again.

What I do remember is crying.  And screaming, and vomiting, and beginning to have the suicidal and  self harming thoughts that would start to take over my life until I wound up being hospitalized in July.  Not many people know about that dark period, but Ive decided to bring it forth in the 3rd blog.

After The Headlines (What Happens Next)

After The Headlines
What Happens Next

As you see..I have decided to take this blog in a new direction.  It's been a LONG few months since I last blogged.  Literally and figuratively.  I have been to the pits of hell and and slowly, very very slowly climbing my way back out.  I've been asked by numerous people to write a book about my family's recent trauma, but at this point, I just truly am not ready.  But I am ready...after a breakdown, hospitalization, some damn good crazy pills, some more long term hospitalization and intensive therapy and most importantly...acknowledgement and acceptance of the incredible pain, overwhelming grief, consuming confusion and just abundance of feelings that have been exposed...to begin to blog again.  The short term goal is to blog in themes surrounding the events and what has happened in the following months.  Hence...After The Headlines.   The long term goal is to eventually take the blogs and incorporate all of them into a book.  Whether I will self publish via kindle or go through large scale remains to be seen.  Anywho...I'm talking as though all of my readers know exactly what I'm talking about and some of you may not (I say this like I'm world wide, lol)  But I have to think big, right?  But I'm going to give everyone a little background.

My name is Lisa Robinson.  I'm the extremely proud birth mother to Aaron who is 27, Aja Dawn, who is 23 and Imani Ny'Jhea who is 15.  I am also the extremely proud mother of choice to Michelle, who is 23.  Aaron Lives in Massachusetts and the girls and I live in Columbia, South Carolina.  I know a lot of people may proclaim it and it may be true for all of them; but I can say from everything within in me...my children are the air that I breath.  They are my soul.  My reason for life.  My best friends, My joy, my smile, my laughter, my everything is good in the world reason.  When I question my role in this world, all I have to do is look at one of them,and I know that in the large scope of life...THEY are my role in life.  It was to give them life.

Which is why, at approximately 11:00 on Friday morning, June 13, 2014...when the Coroner for the City of Columbia, South Carolina knocked on my door and informed me that my beautiful, vivacious, full of life and spirit and overflowing with love for everyone that she touched baby girl Aja Dawn Robinson was laying dead on an autopsy gurney at Palmetto Richland Hospital...that the life that I'd lived for 46 years died and evaporated on the spot and I knew the Lisa that everyone had known would never be the same.  I collapsed, and truly...could not tell you much of anything that happened for the next 2-3 weeks due to being sedated much of the time.  But in the next blog, I am going to delve into surviving the next week.  Media interviews, a very full house filled with an abundance of loving friends and family, and incredibly kind funeral home who went above and beyond to support us, and man....when I tell you about my girls.....my girls here in Columbia but also Da Panel.  That's what I call them.  I don't have to name them.  We're sort of a secret Society.  And we like it like that.  But they were my legitimate lifeboats.  They kept my heat above water when I was not able to do it for myself.  When I was unable to emotionally stand and open my eyes....they seemed to read my mind, organized a huge fundraiser that ultimately paid a huge chunk of Aja's funeral and most of our bills for a few months, they also designed a beautiful logo and tshirt that they sold to raise money for our family (and that I actually need a few more of)  And my ladies here..Tiffany, Tee, Honey, Wisdohm, Chandra, Tonya, Vikki, Marla...they continued to check on me daily, made sure the girls and I had food to eat, went and filled prescriptions out of their own pocket, organized fundraisers, Damn near dragged me out of  my self isolation and made me come out to fundraisers to show my face, just so I wouldn't be by myself.

And Tee and Tiffany...my sistas in spirit, I swear.  These women are just such  kindred spirits to me.  There were times where I literally could not BREATH..could not function, bathe, BREATH...I truly truly wanted to hold my breath until I died.  And every time I opened my eyes.  They both would be sitting there quietly on either side of me.  Just letting me know that I WAS NOT ALONE.  Do you understand what a POWERFUL gift that is to someone who is on the verge of suicide??  I never even told them.  Or thanked them.  I will have to make sure to tell them to read this blog.  Tiffany and Tee...the two of you single handedly SAVED my life at least 4-5 times in June.  If you had not been here, I would not be here today.  Thank You.  I Love You.

Up In My Feelings

I wasn't sure what to call this blog.  Nothing really describes what my feelings are right now...which is why I finally said...Im just up in my feelings. 

There is so much going on with my child.  I won't go into all of it, but the broad overview is that I parent a child who is diagnosed severely bipolar.  I'm not revealing any secret by saying that.  I've tried to teach her that her diagnosis is nothing to be ashamed of..it is a medical diagnosis and she is living with it as best as she can.

Right now, I am just so.....angry.  Angry, hurt, sad, disappointed, frustrated, overwhelmed...just...tired.  I think I've kinda fooled myself into thinking "this bipolar thing is not that big a deal..if I don't pay it a whole lot of attention, it doesn't exist"  "No excuses...I don't want her to excuse any of her behaviors" And then well-meaning, but still incorrect people add in their opinions.."she is just spoiled" "you are babying her" Blah blah fukkin blah.  And during the last few days, it's been so clear to me just how.....fragile...my child is. 

Of all things, I think that is the scariest revelation for me.  After parenting 2 children who didn't have it easy, but who have that natural fighters spirit in them, I realize that this one..her spirit is so fragile.  And it hurts me to know how deeply she hurts, and just how absolutely terrified she has become of the world.  And it hurts me to my very core that I cannot "fix" this.  I'm so used to being the nurterer, the protector and "fixer" for everyone.  And to be faced with something that is so completely out of my control...it is devastating.  It brings back the feelings I felt when my son was diagnosed with cancer at 6 months old and immediately went into surgery and chemotherapy.  As a parent...I was supposed to be able to take away the booboo's..just kiss them away.  To hug my baby and make everything bad go away.  And when we can't...there is no way to describe that fear and pain and just...sorrow. 

Most of us are just naturally fighters...we learn to have tough skin, to stand up for ourselves and to push our way through obstacles.  We read stories about people who have become lost in their pain and the hurt becomes so overwhelming that they don't feel they can go on.  And we think.."why can't they just get OVER it??"  And now I UNDERSTAND.  As a matter of fact...I OVERstand.

Anyway...I don't know what I actually started off this blog to say.  Just got a lot on my mind and on my spirit right now.

A Season, A Reason, A Moment

A few weeks ago, I was asked a question on Ask.FM.  I don't remember the exact wording, but to paraphrase "we used to spend time together and now we don't..what happened?"  Since I didn't know who asked me, it was hard to answer honestly.  So I gave this vague kind of "I've changed".  And although that's true..it's not the complete story.

I truly believe that unless you are stuck in some sort of time warp...all of are in a state on constant change.  That being said..the Lisa that you knew 10 years ago, 5 years ago, 2 years ago, 2 months ago...she no longer exists.  People are in your life for a season, a reason and a moment.  I may have absolutely adored the ground you walked on 5 years ago...but if I have somehow determined that ultimately..you are not good for or to my life or spirit...then you needed to be eliminated.

I admit, there are some people who I keep in my life, but that is because I know that they are in my life for a REASON.  Whether it is teach me, to somehow enhance my spirit or because selfishly I simply need them.  These are people that will always be in my life, in my spirit, in my heart and in my thoughts.  They have shown me that they "are down for me", that they innately care about what happens to LISA and I them.

Those who were in my life for a SEASON.  Maybe we dated, maybe we were friends, maybe we shared some experiences.  At some point, I determined that you were not productive to the place I am ultimately trying to be emotionally, spiritually, mentally or physically.  It may not have occurred to me in that time..but at some point..it did.  That Lisa you knew..that you experienced...she longer exists anyway.  Stop trying to recapture a moment that we shared in the past.  As the saying goes...that ship has sailed.  There can many reasons that I shut people off.  But the main reasons are usually one of the following:  You have proved to me that you do not have my best interests at heart, You have shown to me that your interest in me is primarily a sexual interest, I have grown bored of your "shtick", I realize that I am simply an option in your life and not a priority.  Don't try to change my mind, or recapture a season..it won't happen.  I am one of those people who when they close a door....it remains closed.  I can be polite to you, hang out with you...and hopefully in that time, you will see that I am a changed woman.  If not..perhaps it is because you really are stuck in a place where you choose to remain.  Just know that I cannot join you there.

Those who were in my life for a MOMENT.  Simply put...its a wrap.  You were a hiccup in my life.  Maybe our moment lasted a day...a few weeks, a year.  Either way, in my mind and spirit..I have deleted you completely.  In my life's storybook...I will not even write about you.  This is because I have determined you to be a complete waste of my life's time.  Maybe you did something that I perceived as disrespectful to me or someone that I love, maybe I just have realized that you contribute nothing to my life, yet leech from my heart, spirit, finances, or body, Maybe what you do contribute is a waste of time, Maybe I know you are stuck in a holding pattern that you will never leave from, etc.  There are many many reasons.  But at the end of the day...our moment has passed us.

So...look within.  What group do you think you fall in?  Analyze self.  I do it constantly.  Before I look at others and expect them to fix their shyt...I understand that I have to be able to do it myself.  And I have a lot of shyt to fix.  I have fixed a lot of it.  But so much more remains.

Ask yourself...are YOU a SEASON, a REASON or a MOMENT to the people around you?