Heavy Is My Grief

                                 Heavy Is My Grief

Weighing down my arms and legs

My eyes, feeling too heavy to open

Grief making each breath feel trapped

Halfway between my stomach and my throat

Where it would catch

And then each time, I would come back in a panic

To the future that I didn’t want to be a part of

And I’d remember to inhale            exhale             inhale

Just to start the process all over again

I started to talk to you, and tell you

How life has been going

But I stopped

Because this time I couldn’t.

So heavy is my grief

This time, I don’t want to imagine what your life would be like now

The what if’s don’t matter anymore

They’ve been taken away and now you are just GONE

Just gone.  Never to be held, touched, hugged, caressed, kissed again.

I’ll never get to listen to your silly jokes, or hear that laugh, so full of joy 

Who will I make whole bowls of potato salad for now?

Or watch, amazed as you hit the buffet 3-4 times before you stuff food into your cheeks and gums “for later”

My silly, beautiful, greedy, kind, funny, generous, forgiving girl is just GONE

And right now, I’m just feeling real heavy and real angry in my grief.  Not healed at all.  I feel like I need to start my healing journey all over again, yet I know that this is actually a part of the journey.  We go back and forth.  But right now.  Heavy is my grief.

Writers Block or Just Me Blocking my Writing?

Heyyyy.  Its definitely been a while since I updated the blog.  Been even longer since I have written any new chapters of the book.  Its for a few different reasons for both.  

I say it's writers block, but the truth is, at least for the book...I have gotten to the point in my life where I'd met Rilow, and that was just such a BAD part of my life.  Yes, the first month or so was nice..the man looked good.  But once you got past that...the next few years were pure, painful hell.  Physical, emotional and mental painful hell.

So yeah, I think my brain has sort of been protecting my emotional "self" and been kind of refusing to "go there" in terms of allowing me to get my writing in.  I haven't even been able to do any short stories, prompts or poetry for the last month or so.  I haven't even journalled, and that's talking to my own self.  But I decided tonight that I needed to get back on my shyt.  I have wasted enough of my own time.  I still have a homework assignment due from last week that I haven't sat down and committed to writing.

Oh my goodness...so while writing a chapter back in December, I was reminiscing about a basketball player that I met years ago, while at the Boston Shootouts..we had exchanged numbers and spoke for a while afterward and whooooo muhcy, my lil teenage self LUVVVVVED me some him!  (and about 4-5 others at the time, lol)  So, I got nosy and googled him...why did I find out that this brotha is an accomplished politician in his city...still fine (even finer than before..but definitely married) and someone that I have actually checked out when he has been on tv and never made the connection, lol!  Dangit man...ya girl dropped the ball on that one big time!!

So I REALLY REALLY want to change blog hosts..this one gives me a lot of issues when it comes down to sharing.  I don't know if other users are having problems with it, but I know that neither facebook or Instagram will allow me to share the links to it.  I get a message that the content that I am trying to share contains violence.  Instagram locked down my account for like 6 months after I put my blog link in my profile info.  I couldn't figure out why I was locked down until I was looking at my profile and saw the link and removed it.  As soon as I did...the account opened back up immediately.  So yeah, I really want to switch to another host, but the lazy in me is like...how tf do I switch over so many years worth of blogs?  Thats a hell of a lot of copy and pasting!!  But I'm gonna have to step up and get to doing..... 

The Place She Used To Hide Out

The Place She Used To Hide Out

There used to be a time when her bedroom was the the place where she used to hide out.  It was her sanctuary, her reading nook, her place to regroup and to escape all of the bullshit that life had thrown her way throughout the day, the week, the month.  She knew that no matter how hard work was that day, when she got home; she could count on going upstairs, kicking off her heels, shedding her bra, putting on her most comfortable muumuu and closing the door to her inner sanctum.

There used to be a time when she could enter her room on a Friday night, and not leave it for the whole weekend.  She had an attached bathroom, so there was no need for her to leave.  She could order food to be delivered, or have someone just bring her a plate from downstairs.  That was a benefit of having older children.  Sometimes, her room would even be the place where her children chose to hide out.  And she didn’t mind that.  Her children seemed to love the peace that the room brought them just as much as she did.  She could be laying in bed, and one or both of them would come in, light an incense and just curl up on the bed with her.  Content to wrap an arm around her leg, or rest the head on her arm.  Or they would meet her at the door after she got home from work, with mischievous smiles on their faces, holding a giant Walmart bag of junk food...letting her know it was going to be “Girls night in Mummy’s bed”.   And they would all curl up in their pajamas, eating their favorite ice cream out of the cartons, watching trash tv and eating ridiculous amounts of candy until they all fell asleep still laughing. 

After the tragedy, the bed became the place she hid out for different reasons.  She didn’t want to face the world.  Couldn’t face them.  She hid out in her room, hoping to disappear forever.  But her friends wouldn’t allow her to do that.  Tiffany and Tee would sit quietly by the side of her bed, watching over her.  Nobody spoke the words, but they didn’t have to.  They wanted to make sure that she didn’t hurt herself.  She said no words.  Just rocked herself in between fits of crying.  Eventually, days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months.  Tiffany and Tee turned into Michelle and Mani.  Michelle became the Mother she had so needed her own to be in her life.   She dedicated herself to being a daughter and a sister.  And then…..tragedy.

And after tragedy, heartache, anger, hurt, confusion.  And then a new life.  And suddenly, the place she used to hang out became a place for new life.  There was no way to hide out anymore.  There was this beautiful new life that needed her and smiled when she was tired and ready to give up.  And then there were two new lives.  And the place that she used to hide out was no longer her place anymore.  Now the two new lives had taken over the place.  Now there were some nights, she would actually get up and go to sleep in the living room, just to have a few moments of quiet time to herself.

And then the final straw.  She was finally happy again.  Living in a brand new place.  Loving the new space that she could call her place to hide out.  And then she was attacked.  In that space.  Violated in the space that she needed to feel like she could go to be in her sanctuary.  And she was destroyed all over again.  But this time, it was temporary.  She worked through it, reclaimed her space, rearranged spaces and renamed it.  And now it is “The Place She Calls Her Sanctuary” and “A Place of Love”.

 

Ready To Love

     And yes, I DID sing that title just like India Arie.   But unlike India...ion think I am fully ready to love.  Maybe just ready to sing the song.  I feel like I SHOULD feel ready to love.  Like, maybe I should be at least willing to explore the options that are available.   But is that really fair to someone if I know in my heart that I am not going to be willing to give them 100% of myself?

       The last time I knew I was ready to love was when I was still in South Carolina and loving Marcus.  I absolutely loved him, inside and out.  Even after I broke up with him, it wasn't because I didn't love him; it was because I needed to love ME again, more than I was loving him at that time.   But once I was single, I actually realized that not only did I love me...but I actually loved my OWN company and spending time with me on my own terms and not needing to smile in someone's face or cater to their happiness (outside of these grandbabies or my family)

    So I figured I'd be single for about 6 months or so and then would be ready to get back to dating.  I've always enjoyed the dating game; or at the least the booty game, lol.  Hey, gotta keep it 100!  Well, that was August 06 2016 when we broke up.  We have just entered a New Year...January of 2021.  And I'm STILL single.  I did put my foot into the date game back in 2018 and went on a few dates with an incredibly nice man..but I knew it wasn't good of me to continue because it was unfair to him.  He wanted way more from me than I was willing to give at that point in my life.  And I'll be damned if I am still not in that same point in my life.  I just cannot seem to get out of my head.

    I'm sure the situation in 2019 did not help any.  That put a barrier up that would probably take 100000 sticks of dynamite to knock down and then some.  My trust level is in the toilet as far as men go.  And then 2020 brought Covid.  As horrible as it has been, Covid has been a wonderful excuse for me to just stay in the house and not accept any invitations to spend a single moment with a male, lol.  Every time a man approaches me, whether it be online or in person its like *WHOAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!  STRANGER DANGER!!!!!   COVIDDDDDDDDDD, STAY AWAYYYYYY!*  2021 is supposed to be my year of transition.  This is the year that I plan to work on myself, mentally, physically, spiritually...the whole nine.  The woman you see today, will be an ENTIRELY different woman that you will see at the start of 2022, that's all I can say.  There will be blogging, journaling, podcasting, I've joined a woman's group, I'm writing my book, I'm going to work on my poetry...I'm going to work on my writing and communication, period.  I feel like I need to fully expunge any negativity or garbage out of my spirit and just release it in order to be a better me going forward.  So get ready 2021!  LOL...alright.  Let me get out here and spend a few dollars....this lil ass stimulus check...I need to pay on these credit cards, but I also want to buy a couple of things for the candle biz.  Get us some extra supplies.  

How Do You See Heaven

This is not fact, it's not fiction.....its just something I wrote....

How do you see Heaven?  I never used to be able to visualize Heaven.

I just saw the Pearly Whites; The Gates of Heaven

Our image of GOD, sitting there looking down at his scroll, deciding who he is letting in or who is going way back down.

But that was as far as I had ever imagined.

Until I started losing the people that I loved

And losing artists that I listened to

And pets that I have adored

When Auntie first passed away, I started coming closer as I would visit her

At first, I would visit her a lot, but always outdoors.  Usually sitting at the park

I needed to talk to her and hear her call me baby

I needed to tell her all about the things that were going on in my life

And how scared I was and how I didn’t know which way I was going to turn

And I would feel a hug wrap around me and hear her tell me that she would never let anything happen to me.  And I believed her.

But then something did happen.  Something horrible.  Something more horrible than anything I thought that I could ever return from.  And it was time for Aja to join Auntie in Heaven.  But I wasn’t ready.  I wasn’t ready for Aja to go to Heaven.  And if she was going to go to Heaven, then I was going to go to Heaven with her.  So I made a plan.  And I drove to Forest Acres at Rush hour.  When all of the traffic from the hospitals and Fort Jackson would be at its absolute worst.  And I pulled up to the red light.  And I saw the Big Rig.  And when the big Rigs light turned green on my red..I waited until he was about ⅓ way though the intersection and I closed my eyes, stepped on the gas and just drove forward into traffic.  I heard screeches, I heard tires, I heard brakes and then the car stopped.  I assumed I was dead.  I opened my eyes.  I looked to my right…..Auntie was sitting in the passenger side, looking at me crying and cutting her arms.  I looked down and Aja was sitting on my lap, holding the steering wheel..with her foot on the brake.  “It’s okay Mummy.  We’re gonna go to the hospital now, okay?”  And I did. 

And I listened and I did what I needed to do.   And after that, I began to visit Aja.  I shouldn’t have even worried about that girl.  The first person that I saw come up to her was her Grandmother Mickey.  And Aja smiled and laughed and they hugged so deeply and just held each other for the longest time, whispering to each other and laughing like schoolgirls.  I looked around and I realized that it doesn’t matter how you die….sickness, murder, trauma, old age….the moment that you step into Heaven….you are restored to your most beautiful and your happiest age, and it would never change.  You were in Paradise.  Perfect forever.

While Aja and Mickey were hugging, Aja got a tap on her shoulder and was lifted off her feet in a great big bear hug and spun around..it was Erick “Biggie” Gaines, her Aunt Shay’s brother.  She gave him a big hug and jumped down to run over and give his Grandmother, Miss Bobbie a big hug.  Miss Bobbie looked beautiful..she looked like she was getting ready to go out to a party!  Biggie was being as flirty and silly as ever and let Aja know that his assigned role was to promote all the good Heaven parties.  I couldn’t believe there were parties in Heaven.  He said yes, just not any alcohol or drugs.

It seemed to me that all of the connected people or people that you knew or were related to somehow, all seemed to live in close proximity to each other.  Nobody seemed to be thinking about bills or rent or food...in Heaven, everything is taken care of for you.

I looked up and my eyes welled up immediately.  Sitting over in a grassy area, surrounded by dozens of attentive faces were George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, Trayvon Martin, Rayshard Brooks, Daniel Prude, Atatiana Jefferson, Sandra Bland, Botham Jean, Philandro Castille, Alton Sterling, Freddie Gray, Eric Garner, Akai Gurley, Tamir Rice and Michael Brown.  But there was no sadness, no anger!  These beautiful men, women and children were there leading and mentoring and organizing young people.  Helping them to get involved in activities that would stimulate their brains...poetry slams, debate teams, writing groups, community newspapers.

I followed Aja around, still trying to find out what she had been assigned to do.  Every adult had a special assignment.  Sudden;y, we got to a huge , oversized Victorian home that  easily had 25 rooms.  She stopped before opening the door and suddenly the most peaceful smile came over her face.  She turned to me.  “It’s okay Mummy.  Really.Don’t you see?  I really AM in Heaven now!  This big old house is all mine!  They take care of it for me.  I don’t pay any bills.  I tell them what food I need, and the same day...all the cabinets are filled to the top with anything I could ever want Mummy!   And guess what?  All the babies and little ones and all the kitties...they are all for me!”  And we walked in and Aja was immediately surrounded by a rainbow of so many smiling small faces and babies and children.  All wanting to love on her and tell her about their morning.

You see, every single baby, small child, young child that passes on...no matter how...Aja has been assigned to be there to greet them the moment they pass through and to take them home.  It doesn’t matter how they died, the moment they reach Aja, they are made precious and perfect forever again.  The same goes for all of the kittens and cats.  And Heaven just keeps on adding more rooms onto that big old house to accommodate everybody.  The backyard has gotta be about 5 acres, with every toy and plaything you can think of.    There are lots of other people assigned to help with the children, but this is Aja’s house and she runs it.  Everybody knows that those are Aja’s babies and they will stay with her forever.

Oh, and Auntie has a set of rooms at the house too.  But she is out at either the Bingo parlor or at one of Heavens big card games 7 days a week.  And grabbing scratch tickets on her way back and forth.  And because this is Heaven, she has been winning on everything and is now a Heaven Billionaire.  The only thing she is unhappy about is the No Smoking rule in Heaven.  She hasn’t smoked since she got here.  HE has eyes everywhere.

And this is how I see Heaven when I visit Aja and Auntie in my heart.  I visited Aja tonight to ask her to tell one of my friends to come on back, its not her time to cross over.  I need her to continue fighting for her life.  So Aja, come thru for me

 

So What Are You Supposed To Talk About Then

I was on a social app today.  Admittedly, some people use this app to “hook up”.  But as it says on my profile, “I’m just here to chat, I don’t exchange numbers or meet anyone offline”.  I thought that was pretty clear.

I stopped dating a few years ago.  And I especially stopped meeting men online.  It’s not that I think there is anything wrong with it, or that men online are bad guys.  I’ve met my share of really good guys online.  I just truly have no interest in meeting any guys, online or off at this stage of my life.

Some guys that hit me up are perfectly fine with this.  We have great conversations...some very casual about their work day or what they did over the weekend.  Some are on a deeper level.  I have conversed with a man about his ongoing cancer treatment, with another about his quickly building music career and his contracting business.  Everything is completely appropriate and I enjoy our conversations.  But then, you will have the ones who still suggest “Well, we can still meet just as friends”  Well….No...we can’t.  First...COVID.  Second...what part of I don’t meet men off line was confusing to you?  

So today, when you hit me up and right off the bat started talking about getting to know me and “building” and seeing where it could lead.  I shut down that conversation with the quickness.  I kept it light and polite, and just let you know that I don’t meet men offline, nor do I date.  But that wasn’t good enough for you.  You kept pushing “I promise you, I wouldn’t be a disappointment”.  I shrugged “I’m sure you wouldn’t.  But I still have no interest”.  And whooooooo….it was at THAT very moment that I seemed to have touched your ego in a very bad place!

It took you 2.2 seconds to type back “So what are supposed to talk about then?  This is a dating site, not no damn talking site!”  And I had to laugh, because I knew then that I was speaking to a man who couldn’t think beyond his midsection.  So I asked, “Do you not ever ever hold conversations with other human beings that aren’t based on possible relationships?  Fortunately, I’m able to speak to plenty of people who are”.

Boyyyyyy….I tell ya, brah was HOT!!!  He typed back in ALL CAPS “F.O.H.!!  NOPE!!” and further made his point with a picture of his...well, I have to admit...rather impressive naked peen.  I may have sat and pondered it from a few angles for a moment or two; still never forgetting that it was nothing more than a passaround peen.

So the old Lisa had to come out for a moment.  I let him know “Ya know...ya shyt isn’t half bad looking.  It’s too bad you are so childish.  That reckless ass mouth of yours probably talks you out of 99% of the quality azz you MIGHT be able to get.  That’s why ya left with the dopefiends and dikkhoppas you are probably crusty and leaking from now”

Anddddddd BLOCK!   Oh...but first I had to report his naked peen picture.  After I screen shotted it of course.  Shyt…..I’m celibate, not dead.

 

I Hope He Was Just Having A Bad Day

Okay,  long Lisa story of the week.  So, when I went through the trauma unit when I got to the ER this last hospitalization....this resident that was in the trauma room and working on me was pretty much a jerk.  

He was trying to get an iv going, and I was trying to let him know in between catching breaths that due to so many hospitalizations.. my veins are shot and you have to use an ultrasound or go in EXACTLY where the 1 definite vein is and the needle has to go in at a very specific angle.  It's literally the only spot they have been successful in for probably 2 years, and only I think 2 people have been able to hit the vein without an ultrasound.  The ER people always listen when I let them know and get an ultrasound off jump, because who wants the hassle?  Apparantly this resident did.  Because he was like..I don't need an ultrasound..and proceeded to go into my right arm and probe around in no less than 8 or 9 locations.  Not only that, but when he would fail, he would yank the needle out and just set up for another location.  He wasn't putting pressure on the injection site to stop the bleeding or anything.  By this point, I'm pretty much just laying there with tears silently flowing from the pain.

At the same time, I've got people on the other side of me, trying to get ivs going in my other arm.  They were also drawing blood.  Then the resident says to me that he is going to put an iv into my neck.  I start shaking and crying, because..NO.  So this mofo says...what's the problem?  I'm telling him, really BEGGING him, I have never had a needle in my neck, can you PLEASE just get the ultrasound, I swear..I'm telling you where the vein is that you will be able to use.   So then this man has the audacity to tell the nurse that he wants them to do a drug screen on me!!!  He thought I was high! He goes back to my arm..tries a few more times and then just walks out of the room.

The nurses start grumbling about him and one turns around and curses.  This mofo with all of his poking and probing the needle around in me and then just taking it out, with no pressure on it...apparantly..all those holes in my arm were just flowing blood and the side of the stretcher was soaked and there was a pool of blood on the floor, and he didn't say a word to them..he just left.  Nurses were pissed.

Oh yeah..they bought in an ultrasound a little later after I was stabilized, and got an iv in the EXACT spot I told them to in like 2 minutes.  But I've been complaining about how sore and hard and stiff my right forearm has been all week.  

I was in my room last night and Imani happened to walk in and looked and grabbed my arm and turned it this way and that way and was like..Oh my God!!! She started comparing it to my other arm and I'm like..yeah, I know, I have crazy bruises from the needles.  And she is like..No..you need to call your Dr.  Your arm has a bunch of lumps in it and it's real swollen.  And then she says

.gyattttdamn!!  I'm sitting here like what??! She says...you didn't see that big bruise?  I said, there's a lot of bruises.  She says..no...its like your elbow down almost to your wrist.   I hadn't even noticed it to be honest..I don't go looking at the back of my arms that often.

And that was my long story of the week