2017 End of The Year Wrap Up

Well, where do I start?  2017 was filled with so many ups and downs, changes and movements.  I'll just spotlight the lows and highs for me.

Lowlights of the Year include:

Saying goodbye to Bentley (our dog) and Onyx, Kitten and Larry (our cats) when we moved back to Boston.  Our hearts truly ache for the losses, but it was the only option.  Thankfully, Onyx and Kitten (now Trouble) have been rehomed with my forever daughter Char, after spending time with cousin Keisha and then Aaron.  So we can still at least visit them and see pictures of them.

My health has taken a real hit this year.  With multiple hospitalizations and one stay in rehab.  At one point, I was in a wheelchair because I could not walk on my own.  It was scary and it's been frustrating, but I am still standing!  And I have great health care.  And for the first time in many years, I know WHAT is going on with my body and WHY.  And those were things that I did not know.

Housing.  Without going into too much detail, the gist of it is that moving to Boston left us homeless.  This has been a very painful year for me personally.  It's difficult to go from being a self sufficient, independent, grown ass 50 year old woman, to not knowing where my family would be laying our heads.  Although the move to Boston was necessary at the time...I've hated the move and miss the South very much.   At the end of the day, I  was much happier with housing choice in SC and think it would be a better place for the boys to grow up in.

Not working.  This is the first time in many years that I have not been able to work.  I've finally had to accept that due to my health issues; working full time or even part time is just not an option.  As someone who began working at 14, this has been very hard to accept personally.

Now, for the positives!

Highlights of the year include:

The birth of my second grandson, Na'eem Xavier on August 9.  He is such a laid back little dude, whose smile will melt your heart.

The constant growth and changes that my grandson, Bryson Timothy exhibits.  His little personality is so exuberant and loving,even though he seems to be entering the "terrible two's" a few months early.  He and Na'eem have healed my heart and spirit in so many ways.

Being back among my family and best friend in Boston and seeing them on a regular basis.  This alone has made the harder times more bearable.  I have truly missed them and there is such a difference when I can just jump on a bus/train to see the people I love, as opposed to driving for 17 hours!

Auditioning for and being accepted into the Oscar Mischeaux Theater Company.  I've been away from theater and singing for too long now.  When I lost Aja, it just felt like my life force had been stripped away and I no longer desired to perform.

Being back among world class doctors and health care. For both Bryson and myself.  Although this year has been one of my worst health wise, the care I have received and the timeliness that I've received it in has been first rate.  The same goes for Bryson and Na'eem.  The healthcare they receive is exemplary

Being allowed to start up a Boston Chapter of Parents of Murdered Children.  This was something I'd hoped to be able to do and there were many steps, but I accomplished my goal.  I look forward to growing the chapter and making connections in Boston so that the chapter can reach anyone who needs it.

Overall, it's been a year of change, growth, sadness and fear, but also of hope.  I have hope that 2018 will be another year of change.  Change for the better.

DV Survivor Stories - Introducing Denitrice

Introducing Denitrice....

My name is Denitrice. I am a single mother of 4 and a survivor of domestic violence. My abuse ended in June 2013 when he went to prison.

I met my abuser also my two kid's dad at his family's house party. I knew his brothers. I was with him ten years. The abuse didn't start until five years later. When it started I really didn't understand what was going on. I thought he was just going through something. I didn't stay for financial reasons. I always worked and took care of the bills and kids. He barely kept a job.

He first started controlling me. Questioning my whereabouts. Timing me. Not wanting me out or around family and friends. Basically staying in the house with the kids.. Then he started verbally abusing me. Which really took a toll on me. Those ugly words he dished out hurt. I still shed a tear or two. He would hurt my feelings so bad in front of his family. Some would step in others just watched. He then started pushing me around into things.

I stayed another five years after it started because I didn't want to move back home. I mean who as a adult with kids wants to live with family. So I toughed it out. My parents moved out their house and gave it to me. Meaning I had to live in Georgia which was cool. So I told him one day I'm moving back to Ga. He didn't like that. He started threatening me about leaving him. So I allowed him to come. That only lasted five days..

On a Saturday morning I left with the kids for awhile. I come back home to a house party with his family only. He was drinking and doing drugs. I knew the day wouldn't end good. Later on the family left he started arguing with my kids and friend. My sister came to get them. His son stayed and witnessed most of the beating that night. I PRAY for that child so much. That night I was beaten like a man. I passed out twice. I woke up and thought I was dreaming but it was so real. I did try and get away but I was too weak.

After four hours of abuse he finally stopped and went sleep. I passed out on the floor. Blood everywhere. My cat was licking my face that is what woke me up. He through my phone through the window. SO I couldn't call anyone. I crawled next door rang the door bell and passed out. When i woke up I was in an ambulance. He was still in the house along with his son. They took him immediately to jail with no bond.
During this altercation I did try and call the police but he took the phone before I could give them a address.

My kids was damaged behind this. My older two one being a girl really have trust issues with men. My son trust no one. They really have separation anxiety they hardly leave me alone. My two that's by him, my youngest is confused but lashes out at times. He loves his dad but knows what his dad has done. He had to have lots of counseling. My oldest by him hates him. I know its a strong word but its true. He has nothing to say or even look his way.

I have healed from some of my wounds. I do have visions of what happened. I have trauma to my back and never will heal from it. I do have several visible bruises. But I call them my war wounds. My goal and passion now is to speak and spread the word on domestic violence. One woman at a time. I thank you for giving me this chance to share.

Two Years

Two years, 24 months,731 days and more hours that I can count.   Thats how long she has been gone.  And although I appreciate the wonderful people who say things like....*this will pass* *it gets easier with time* and my all time favorites (NOT) *GOD needed her* and *she's in a better place*...Guess what?  NO.  It didn't pass. It didn't get any easier.  NO, HE didnt need her as much as I do.  And NO,Shes not in a better place.  The best place was here with me and everyone else who loves her

I guess Im just in a really negative space right now.  Guess its a good thing Ive been scheduled an appointment with a therapist tomorrow morning.  As I get closer to June 13, that abyss that is usually in the background part of my brain...calling to me....telling me this just sucks...wanting to bring me down into its bottom...it becomes louder and louder.

So many of her friends and even her younger sister are having babies.  Including her boyfriend.  It makes me so happy for them.  But it makes me so sad for Aja.   She should have been able to experience that.  She should have been here to style Imani for her prom and do her hair and makeup.  She should be here to hound me to make her favorites..empenadas and potato salad.  She should be here to convince me to go out to Wet Willies and drink some slushies...

So if I seem outta sorts for the next few weeks, please dont take it personally.  Its 2 years.....24 months...and 731 days since my heart was shattered.

Scattered Thoughts of a Broken Me

Scattered Thoughts of a Broken Me

 

I’m sorry for my scattered thoughts, but that is just how they come to me.  Some days, I wake up with a smile on my face and life is okay.  But more often than not..I wake up and it’s like a gut punch, with my first thought *It’s not a nightmare..this is my reality*  Because I’ve always been open and honest about my struggles, I’m able to say to people *I hurt*.

 

But I don’t tell them just how much it hurts.  I don’t tell them about the days when the tears are just sitting on my eyelids all day long.  Waiting for any excuse to start falling.  I don’t tell them about the nights when I bury my face in my pillow and attempt to muffle the screams that come pouring out, because I don’t wanna scare or sadden anyone.  I hold off describing how sometimes, my head spins with so many sad thoughts and memories, that it feels as though I’m having a stroke.  Or how it feels like the worst physical pain you could ever feel and multiply it by 1000.   I don’t usually tell them how much I wish there was someone who was here to hold me and let me cry when the sadness hits.

 

I long for one of her hugs.  Or to walk in the door and hear *Hi Mummy!!,* and giggle in her sweet voice.  I long to be able to experience her wedding, or her pregnancies.  To see her hold her first child and feel the intense love that only a mother can understand.   To watch her grow into the amazing woman that I was so sure she was going to be.  I miss seeing her with her brother and sister, loving on them and being silly.  And watching her struggle to hold Onyx and yell at him *Love me dammit!!* Or doing her happy dance when I cooked one of her many favorite foods.

 

I just miss.  I miss so damn much.  I miss the Lisa that I used to be.  I call her “June 12, 2014 Lisa”.  I miss being happy.  I miss feeling like the world is a good place.  I miss not having to explain why I no longer have 3 kids.  I miss being able to look at a picture of my child and not wanting to remember every minute detail of what was happening when we took the picture.  I miss being able to sing.  I miss talking to my daughter, who was also…my friend.  I miss her voice and I’m terrified that one day, I will not be able to hear it in my head.  I just miss.

 

And Now The Tests Become Testimony

My friend Tee and I have been bouncing this idea for some time now.  Speaking and writing HONESTLY about our trials.  And eventually writing a book.  There has been SO much pain..that sometimes ALL we can do is throw up our hands and say...EFF it God.  What else ya got for me man?   

So...this is my honesty.  My truth.  It's not pretty.  A lot of it is not public information and it may shock people.  You may even want to stop reading now.  That's just being real .  I'm not writing it to gain sympathy or to depress anyone.  It's to say..if I can weather these storms, YOU can also do this.  And if you need help, we will weather them together.   That being said....

June 13, 2014 my 23 year old daughter Aja Dawn Robinson was brutally murdered by her ex-boyfriend.  She was executed with a shot to her throat with a 45, and then he stood over her and shot her in the back of her head.  He then took his own life.  The grief was incredible.  And the after effects a little too much to bear.

I made a half assed attempt on my life  in July by driving into traffic and was hospitalized and received treatment .  My younger child  made an attempt on her life  in August.  She was also hospitalized and treated.  During this time, my 23 y/o's "twin" ( her best friend that I had taken in at age 14) returned to live with me, as she was having a difficult time coping with Aja's murder.   On Thanksgiving eve of 2014..you guessed it...she swallowed multiple  bottles of pills.  Thanksgiving of 2014 was spent in the ER while she  received an emergency psych eval and  treatment.

With time, we got stronger.  We are all actively working thru our grief and I have started a fb group and a small still forming non-profit called Angels for Aja.  We will provide domestic violence education, awareness and assistance to anyone who requests our help.  In addition, we plan to participate in community events and keep Aja's name alive through love and actions.

On May 15, 2015..Michelle had a severe asthma attack.  She lost her heartbeat and pulse and was brain dead for 28 minutes before they could revive her.  She was on life support in a coma from May 15 until mid July.  She is now home, but at just 24, she is confined to a wheelchair, unable to speak, use her arms or legs, is in diapers and totally dependent for personal care .  The outcome is not expected to change.

Again..we bounced back.  We take care of her and attend to her needs.  Last week on Thursday, I went to the E.R. because I was having a pretty severe asthma attack.  Unfortunately, they admitted me within minutes and I got devastating news.  I have heart failure.  I have been in the hospital ever since.  And have spent today doing some heavy praying and thinking.  I AM a fighter, but I also am practical.  I was not prepared for my child's death.  I will not leave my remaining  children unprepared.  I plan to create my living and after death arrangements and have already spoken to the people who I would like to care for my children.

I plan to make EVERY moment that I am here a testament to the memory of Aja Dawn.  And to the strength of Michelle, Imani, April, Fred, Char, DaShawna, Jauhara, Kia and Aaron.  My children by birth and the children who I've been blessed to love in my life.   We cannot allow ANYTHING to crush our spirit.  I keep telling people...I miss Aja and for a while, I really wanted to go and be with her.  But not yet.  I'm not done here.  I'm not going to give up, but when my time comes, I'm at peace, as long as my babies are okay.   So...this is my truth.  I'm grieving, a lil crazy at times, struggling to stay afloat, angry, disappointed, terrified, heartbroken.  And STRONG.  I have to be after all this shit.  

Please love and protect the people around you.  I had a long talk with Char last night...very long.  And had to tell her some things that I know she was not ready for.  But she's one of my oldest kids and whether she believes it or not...she is one of my STRONGEST kids.  She now has a role.  To carry on my "Big Mama" role with April.  They are to make sure that all of the children remain in contact, remain a support to each other, have monthly dinners if they live in the same area, etc.  April is another who does not know her own strength.  She will though.  I see it in her.  I see the "big mama" makings in my girls, and I love it.  And I love them.   More to come.  I promise.  My story is not over yet.

So You Think You Know Me?

Understanding me is a losing battle!  I confuse my own damn self and yet...it all makes perfect sense to me ...probably why Ill be single til Im 99!  On Monday I love you and never wanna lose you , Tuesday you burped or farted and annoyed me and became unattractive , Wednesday you stole a jelly belly jelly bean when I wasnt looking and Im ready to stab you with a spork, Thursday I miss the hell outta you and need you back in my life and would probably marry you if you stopped by the Justice (see example hubbies 1&2 from my past), Friday I saw some big, tatted, bearded dude walking by and and he caught my eye, Saturday Ive deleted your number and am texting with big, tatted, bearded dude without so much as a goodbye nukka *DEUCES* to you ...Sunday, I don't wanna be bothered ever again in life and want to move away and live in a bunker.  Welcome to the mind and heart of Lisa.  To know me is to either love the hell outta me or want to punch me in the throat with brass knuckles.  Sometimes both on the same day.

I Release You. Rest In Peace Jeremy Mickens

I'll never understand how you could take away the air I breathe and one of the only loves of my life Jeremy.  But I forgive you babe.  Because I know the love that Aja had for you as a person and she would be sad if I didnt forgive you.  My family and friends may never understand my forgiveness, but if Allah can forgive me, I can forgive you.  Insha Allah, I  pray that you rest with the Angels and your heart is no longer hurting Jeremy Mickens.  Be at Peace now #RestinParadise #TryingtoHeal #Ireleaseyou #JeremyMickens #AngelsforAja #AjaDawnRobinson #June13