Sex On Da Brain....Part.....whatever number we are at now

BAM!!!! Here you go Mother!!!!

Should it bother me that my Mother...Lil Donna DooRight herself, is the one person who keeps asking me when I am going to update my annual *He Could Get Da Pannies* list?? If it were any other mother, it probably would...but this is MY Mama..and the apple doesn't fall far from the tree for real. So......in random order as they pop into my brain...Keep in mind, I'm really on a beard kick...I love my bearded men.

Idris Elba. *sighhhhhh* Where do I begin Idris? From the top of his head down to his "probably" ashy big ass feet. Idris could get it. I don't care if he is using his British, Baltimore or combination accent. Idris would get it...on stage at the Oscars. Televised. With the lights on and the actors in the audience. I'm just saying.

Lyfe Jennings....Gawt diggidy dayum.....thats a sexy mofo. I wonder if he would sing while we bippidy bop? I'd like that shyt.

My friend Jerimy. Looka here man...we have been friends for way too long now! I think it's only fair that you let me hit that at least once man. Stop playing with my damn emotions!!! Those long ass locs...those pretty eyes. Mmm...yeah

My tattoo artist....that sexy beast known at Shotta. Id seen pictures of him prior to getting tatted...but seriously dude? Up close n personal?? *exhaleeeeeeeeeee* Oh my damn...I need a moment. Oh yeah...he could MOST definitely.....definitely.....mmm. Yeah, that. There is something about a man who is able to bring that pleasure/pain combo. TMI???

There is this guy on my IG friends. We have never even spoken, outside of a few hi's and bye's...and he is so NOT the kinda man I would normally check out. But it's his whole....THING. He has it. That sex appeal, innate sexiness...that forgive the term...but SWAG. He HAS it. Mmmmm, if he actually lived in the US (he lives in London), I'd drive to that!! At night. On the highway. With one headlight out. And a broken cd player. And bad brakes. In the rain.

Okay, I stopped for an hour because I started checking Instagram and forgot I was typing, lol. Lemme think back to my list.

Oh Em Gee....My friend IG/FB Dave!! Oh Em Gee....That man is leader of the FILF pack! I would sooooooooooo do him. Today is his birthday as a matter of fact. I gotta present for him :)

Chef Roble. Yeah, I know he is a little ...petite. But damn....cute AND can cook??? You know a greedy wench like me likes them odds!!!

Nard. Yup. He's so pretty. And sexified. Thatisall. All I can say is YUP

This youngin in Texas...Kocc. Good lawdy, he is fine. Too bad I've moved on from the youngings.

Okay....I'm done. For now. I keep getting sidetracked and now I have heartburn that is annoying me. Until I return....... *deuces*

Ramblings From A Certifiable Rambler

Dayummm...has it been this long since I last posted? Hmmm...I guess it has. Okay, where do I begin my rambling? Just be forewarned, my ADHD has been on EXTRA the last few weeks. I'm doing good if I stay focused on a topic for more than 2 minutes at a time.

I feel like I'm never on the laptop anymore. I do everything from my phone. Gahh...do you remember when we did EVERYTHING on our actual computers? From messengers...AIM and Yahoo messenger. Are they even still in service? That tells you how long it's been since I last used it. I think it's been like since I was in Boston, lol. Goodness, those were the pre-text message days. Well, we had text messages, but didn't use them nearly as much. We also hung out on BP (Blackplanet for those who don't know), Myspace, AOL Chats (yeah, I know I just took it waaaaay back) and for a few...and I ain't gonna name no names....but you know who you are....OBC...Online Booty Call!! LMFAO I remember signing up on a dare..and then being too embarrassed to actually speak to anyone on there, lol. Oooooh and the awesome sites...I used to stay busy on ODB aka Da Board aka Oh Dizzam aka....what else did we call it?? And of course Fullfiggas.com. Are they still around? Why did we stop joining boards. My board family really was family to me...still are as a matter of fact. *INSERT SHAMELESS PLUG HERE* Da Board is actually still active as a FB page...go like it and check it out. *END SHAMELESS PLUG HERE*

So, I did what nobody would ever expect from me. I got into a relationship. Yeah....I left it about 2 days after I went into it though, lol. I think I have decided that I really am single for life. Although, to be honest...Jabir and I haven't ended. I call us "Break Up To Make Up". Thats our title. I finally understand the meaning of *It's Complicated*, although I refuse to use it as my title. We will just remain "Break Up To Make Up". He and I have both been single for too long and are fiercely independant. So, although there is a serious emotional draw to each other...as soon as we spend more than an hour or two in each others presence...we start working each others nerves. But I choose not to get involved with anybody else until I have moved on 100% from this "thing" with us. Thats not fair to the next man. I've been slowly drawing myself apart from Jabir, but it's not easy. It's like we both know that we don't work as a couple...too many little differences that begin to meld into one BIGGGG difference. But, there is just this undeniable PULL that is like BAM as soon as we see each other. I think it's that we both respect each other and like each other so damn much as human beings...we are not willing to not be in each others lives. *shrug* Who knows...but this is why I choose not to get involved with anyone else, lol.

Okay, I won't turn this blog into a book...but expect another blog shortly...maybe within minutes...because I got a BUNCH of new candidates for the *He Could Get It* list!! And we all know I haven't updated that list in what...a year or so?

What's Age Got To Do Wit It?

Everything Booboo.

I know that the last couple of years, the phase seems to be these super young cats chasing older women..the "cougars", but I will be be SOOOO happy when the phase passes. Let me preface that by saying, yep..I've dated some younger guys..so I know some of them can be appealing. BUTTTTTTTT...this new phase, it seems like these lil boys are getting younger and younger. And I'm sorry but, I have NO plans to raise any more children.

Anywhoo....I usually try to keep it light when the youngins approach me. *I'm sorry Sweety, but my KIDS are older than you* And then comes the inevitable *Whats age got to do wit it?* Umm...EVERYTHING Booboo.

Let's discuss. There are the obvious differences:

Im a grown ass woman, with grown ass woman issues. I have been married, divorced, married, divorced again, had children, raised children, dealt with life changing challenges and health issues, started careers, paid grown ass woman bills, build grown ass woman debt, etc.

You have MAYBE moved from your parents house and into a dorm room. Maybe you have had a lil part time job or done work study. Umm...thats it.

Then you get the inevitable...*I'm mature for my age. I always dated older women* I don't care...you ain't never dated MY old ass!! There are certain things about a woman over a certain age, that just are not gonna be understood by someone that young. Yeah, they can empathize, but until they have LIVED to a certain age, you will never understand:  aging body issues,  high blood pressure, being afraid to sneeze cough or laugh, hearing fading, teeth getting weaker, can't eat fast food anymore, feet swelling, hair turning grey...OTHER hair turning grey!!!  Etc etc....  So miss me with that.

Clarity

Isn't clarity a beautiful thing? This last week has been filled with plenty for me. Clarity for what is important, what's not, WHO is important and who's not. There's something about sitting up in a hospital bed for a few days that really makes you go within yourself to look at some things in your life.

I've come to realize that I give certain people WAY too much credit and importance in my life. Thankfully, I've always been able to recognize the GOOD people that I am surrounded by..thats never been an issue. I have some AWESOME people in my circle. But I just realize that I've allowed people who add absolutely no value to my life and who can only be found in god times to remain on the friends list.

A real eye opener..I had Aja text someone who I've been building with and spending time with to tell him I was being admitted to the hospital. His reply? *Oh kay...tell her to hit me up when she gets home* Ummm....scuse nukka? Orrrr...let me talk about a certain someone who's been in my life the last 4 years...who begs for another chance since he royally screwed up the first chance. I was admitted into the hospital with my lungs shutting down..important stuff. Have not heard even a *get well soon* from him. BUH BYE baby. These are just examples..please believe, I don't expect people to drop their busy schedles and jump to be by my side. But, there were certain people who I kinda would have appreciated knowing they cared. On the other hand..there were some who surprised me with how quick they jumped up and wanted to be there for me. I truly love and appreciate the people in my life. THANK YOU ALL!!!! Okay, that was my little vent. Sorry for the negativity..but it truly is actually a positive. I have some clarity and I love it. Now it's time to go make some important deletions.

Long Lost Writings aka A Forgotten Piece of Me

So my Mom ( the family historian) just emailed me these poems that frankly, Id forgotten that I wrote. It really took me back though...to a sort of forgotten...or maybe purposely neglected painful part of my life. And I wasn't going to share them. But my good friend Tee urged me to, saying the words may touch someone else. So, with no further ado....I present...a piece of my inner thoughts. Im posting from my phone, so please forgive the posting errors. There are 4 poems..hopefully, this will break between them.


Tonight I lay in my bed listening.. Listening to the sounds of a woman. She screams, this woman. Somebody’s mother, sister, daughter, lover. I listen as she screams. Screams for all of the things that were..but will never be again.

She remembers.

Remembers, perhaps, the first time she touched the little brown face and looked into his eyes. She remembers those first tiny steps, the first cry of “Mama” ..she remembers the baby. She remembers the tears on the morning he began school, and the laughter as he returned home.

Maybe she cries for the times of pain –cries for the bruises, skinned knees, maybe even broken bones. All of which will heal in time.

She cries for the boy.

Maybe she cries for the pains that will not heal. For the time that her child, who has been loved and adored from birth, came home and asked, “Mama, what is a nigger”

She cries for the time that his heart has been broken. He is becoming a man.

She cries for the anger and frustration he feels. And then she cries again.

She cries for the simple irony of it all. That someone who came out of an act so beautiful, so tender and loving, could be taken away in an act so ugly, so violent and hateful!

He will never hear the cries. He was someone’s father, brother, son and lover. He can never be again.

She cries for she knows this. He has been taken away. Never again to be held, kissed, caressed.

Tonight I lay in my bed listening to the cries of a woman. It is me, and I cry for all of the mothers.




JUST BECAUSE

Why do things happen the way they do

Just because…. I’ve learned many things, some easy, some hard. I’ve come close to quitting, but I’ve come too far. I have too much to work for, too much to gain. I’ve learned that people will hate you, hurt you, love you, want you, need you, but beat you. This comes for many reasons. But mostly, “just because.”

Just because: I am black. Just because: I am a woman Just because: I am poor Just because: I am strong. Just because: I am only who I am and cannot be anyone else.

If you think about it, anything that has happened to me is because of all of these things.

I am a strong black woman. For this reason I have been hated, loved, hurt, adored, cherished, beaten, caressed, brought down, and held high above others in pride.

I can’t give up. Because the same things people hate me for, I LOVE me for.



TO MY DAUGHTER

This is to you. My beautiful queen. I’m writing to tell you of all of my dreams. I have so many, I want them for you. For you to achieve them, to yourself be true. Never be less than you know you can be. Let your spirit stay strong. Let your mind stay free. Never let any one put down your goals. For once they can do that, they own your soul. Be careful to care, to love, to trust. But follow your heart. To find love, you must. In order to learn love, you must learn pain. It seems like the only way you can gain. By pain, I mean heartache, not pain in your bones. If a man hits you once, please leave him alone. Love should make you happy, calm and at ease. Not shameful, unhappy, or jumping to please. You’ll know when you have the love that you seek. Your heartbeat grows faster, your knees will go weak. I want so much more, my wonderful child. For you, I want everything. For you to be proud. Be proud of yourself, of your mind, of your power. You’re strong as a bull, as beautiful as a flower.



Who Am I ?

Who am I? You asked me that today. I told you what I thought you’d like to hear. I gave the easy answers…. Who am I? Well..

I’m Sara’s daughter, I'm Bee and Steph's lil sister.  With the BIG lil brothers, haha.  I said I’m divorced.  A single mom of 3 I used to be married to _____ I started to speak again; but you stopped me, “No…who are YOU?”

So, I searched a little deeper “Who am I?” Hmmm…well… I’m that chick from around the way.  You know…that redbone who lives up at #687. The one with them bad ass little boys…and the son who draws so well,  I'm the one whose daughter was killed.  Yeah...that was my daughter...Thanks.  I’m that chick that’s always cookin’ ; anytime you visit, there’s always something on the stove. I’m that chick that’s always reading. Trying to find the next thing to learn If pain in our lives teaches us…by now, I should be a scholar. I’ve seen sooo damn much. I’m that chick that all your boys talk about, “Damn..you got a good woman.” But you still treat me like some IG Thot.. Running in and out, coming as you please.

But as soon as I turn my back to leave…here YOU GO...fallin on your knees. I’m that chick you hear on the mic..singing loud and strong, Longing for the times when I can be heard as clearly …OFF stage I’m that chick …who still fights to go forward. Even when life seems to keep Pushing me back. Who tries to “KEEP HOPE ALIVE” when all along, my heart and hope has died.

So, when you ask me, “Who am I?” I’m that chick.. I’m that chick.. I’m THAT chick.. Stressin’, fightin’, lovin’, laughing, struggling, singing, sexin’, feelin’, growing, living, maintaining and screaming’

All of these words describe me. I can’t tell you who “I” am Every day I am someone new..so let me ask..”Who are YOU?

Observations From My Sickbed

Soooo...I've been on bedrest since Monday because of a particularly nasty episode of my Sciatic nerve..or however it's spelled. All I know is...that mickeefickee HURTS. And as we all know...anytime I have too much time on my hands..and just the right amount of good drugs :) I gits to thinkin' a bunch of random shit. Like: I just got home from the library...damn, I miss being able to jump in the car and go to the library one a week. But I did find an awesome cd today. 

I am sitting here listening to it and thinking *My Mom is gonna LOVE this cd if she has never heard it before* Bobby Womack singing some very old gospel songs. Right now, he is singing *It Is Well* and I swear, I'm about to catch the Holy Ghost. 

I've been unable to pretty much do anything except sleep since Monday..literally..can't stand up, can't walk, etc...Errrm..why have my kids fed me a total of ONE time? That was on Monday. Please Lawd Jesus...when I become an invalid old woman..don't leave me with my children!! I've been stuck on my bed like it's Survivor Island...going on scavenger hunts for food that I've had hidden in my room. Thank goodness I'm such a greedy bitch and had food in my room. I've survived off a pound of twizzlers, a huge bag of Doritos, a bag of Oreos and a bottle of ginger ale. 

I like this muscle relaxer/Percocet combo...alot. But I don't like the side effects...it's giving me dry mouth so bad that my tongue and lips have been splitting. I didn't even know your tongue COULD dry out!! That's some new shit for me. I am getting WAY too bored and need to get back to work. Last night I spent 2.5 hrs straight trying to unscrew the barbells on my piercings so that I could change the earrings. 2.5 HOURS..and still never got them unscrewed. 

 Apparently, the piercer must have the strongest freakin fingers in the world, because all I did was blister up my fingers and give myself sore piercing spots from trying. I then spent over an hour peeling the sunburn on my legs. Who knows what fun I'll get into today when I get bored, lol.  I took a dose of Percocet and Muscle Relaxer about 30 minutes ago and I can feel it starting to work through me (Get this nice warm and tingly kinda feeling and a stupid smile on my face), so forgive me if I start having typos or typing something weird. I'm trying to catch the mistakes as I make them though. 

My feet look terrible. Thatisall..I'm looking at my feet and realizing that I need a pedicure. Like a month ago. My feet look like I've been soaking them in a bowl of flour. Talking about those damn Doritos got me hungry for some...but I think they are all gone. Damn. I really did have an actual topic I was planning to blog about today...but I forgot what it was. I'll come back if I can ever remember what it was.

These Are My Confessions

It's time for me to clear my spirit...I have many new confessions. So in no apparent order: 

It's time for me to finally own up to what I am...all of my friends have been calling me out on it for years, and I guess I was kinda sorta in denial. But *exhale* Okay, here goes. I...Lisa...am sort of a Male Booty Conneisseur. I really do try to control the urge to look, but its like...when a fine man walks by....the booty be callin me man. ((Lisaaaaaa, Lisaaaaaa!!!!)) and I have to look. Whew..I feel SO much better now. 

I confess..I may be better off single. My relationship lifespan seems to have gotten shorter recently. Seems like after a week or two, one lil thing annoys me and then another lil thing...and pretty soon, the way your eyelashes blink makes me wanna drive a stake through your left eyeball and I know I have lost interest. 

I took my Shahada years ago and definitely have a love for Allah...BUT...that swine be callin me still. Man...there are times I wanna just eat a whole damn pig. I know I can't, but like Pooky in New Jack...that po'k be callin me man. 

I come up with the most AMAZING blog ideas when I am on my way home...whether in the car or on the bus. And it never fails that I forget what the idea was by the time I get home. 

I admit...I accept my male friend requests partly based on how sexy there are. Damn...there, I said it. 

People think I am this like...social butterfly. But in all honesty, while I enjoy being around people for a lil while..I'm really antisocial. EVERYONE annoys me at some point. 

I spent 10.00 on loose candy at Mast General Store. That is the lowest amount of money that I've ever spent on candy there. I just ate 3.00 worth of original red swedish fish. No...really. AND a king size strawberry Charleston Chew. IJS And I just gave Aaron 20.00 to go to Taco Bell with and bring back dinner. Gonna be an uhh....aromatic house this evening. 

Oh, and prior to checking out the male booty...I generally do check the package too. IJS 

I stopped typing long enough to eat some cheesy potatoes and a chicken burrito. I'm done now...and my stomach is already singing a bad song. 

The man who doesn't annoy me after a week..is probably gonna be my next husband.  

I really have lost interest in American Idol now that they unfairly booted Joshua Ledet. 

Okay....I've lost my train of thought and I've gone blank, so I'm ending my confessions now.