After The Headlines (What Happens Next)

Surving the first week.

How, Why, NO and My Baby.  I think those were the only words that I managed to get out for the first week.  My life had totally collapsed.  My baby was gone.  A part of me died on June 13 at approximately 5:48am. 

I couldn't understand, I WOULDN'T comprehend, I couldn't wrap my brain around the fact that my child was no longer here.

My memory of the first week is hazy.  I was medicated for all of the first 2 months or so.  I mean nonstop...24 hours a day.  I thank Allah for that.  I don't know if I would have ever made it thru that time period otherwise.  But I will try to tell the story. 

Immediately after the Coroner arrived to my house.  One of my bosses and my friend/coworker showed up.  Apparently,  the police had tried to find me at work before trying my house.  When th coroner showed up, I yelled for my niece Kia to get Imani out of the house..to go for a drive.  I knew what I was about to hear, and I didnt want Imani to hear the details.  Kia and her friend rushed  Imani out of the house and drove away.

Thats when I get hazy.  I remember calling my close friend and crying into the phone that I needed her.  I remember my boss and coworker trying to console me, but I was past consolation.  The coroner left and my friends started the first cycle of phone calls.  The hardest calls in my life were to my son and mother.  I still dont remember if I called Aja's father or someone else did.  I don't remember much of anything after that. 

My closest friends began showing up at that point.  I know that within hours of my call, my mother, sister and niece were on the road to SC from Boston.  My son and daughter Michelle would be flying in the next day.  I was prescribed Ativan by the agency's Medical Director and someone picked it up, and I was kept on it around the clock.

I don't know when or how the media interview requests came in.  I just recall them coming starting on Saturday.  Or maybe it was Friday.  I don't recall speaking, but apparently I did.  In hindsight, looking at the interviews...I just appeared drugged.  I don't remember how the funeral arrangements were made.  Tiffany stepped in and helped coordinate all of that.  I do know that the funeral home, Leevy's were so incredibly kind and I am forever indebted.

It was at that point, that I learned about the GoFundMe account that had been eatablished by my close friends.  Again, I am forever indebted to the generosity and kindness of so many people.  There were also fundraisers being planned by friends among the karaoke community in Columbia and Club 555 management.

Unfortunately, I truly don't remember much of this time.  I know that my brother came down from Greenville, Imani's daddy came in from Boston and a friend of mine took it upon himself to have my car repaired and made drivable again.

What I do remember is crying.  And screaming, and vomiting, and beginning to have the suicidal and  self harming thoughts that would start to take over my life until I wound up being hospitalized in July.  Not many people know about that dark period, but Ive decided to bring it forth in the 3rd blog.

After The Headlines (What Happens Next)

After The Headlines
What Happens Next

As you see..I have decided to take this blog in a new direction.  It's been a LONG few months since I last blogged.  Literally and figuratively.  I have been to the pits of hell and and slowly, very very slowly climbing my way back out.  I've been asked by numerous people to write a book about my family's recent trauma, but at this point, I just truly am not ready.  But I am ready...after a breakdown, hospitalization, some damn good crazy pills, some more long term hospitalization and intensive therapy and most importantly...acknowledgement and acceptance of the incredible pain, overwhelming grief, consuming confusion and just abundance of feelings that have been exposed...to begin to blog again.  The short term goal is to blog in themes surrounding the events and what has happened in the following months.  Hence...After The Headlines.   The long term goal is to eventually take the blogs and incorporate all of them into a book.  Whether I will self publish via kindle or go through large scale remains to be seen.  Anywho...I'm talking as though all of my readers know exactly what I'm talking about and some of you may not (I say this like I'm world wide, lol)  But I have to think big, right?  But I'm going to give everyone a little background.

My name is Lisa Robinson.  I'm the extremely proud birth mother to Aaron who is 27, Aja Dawn, who is 23 and Imani Ny'Jhea who is 15.  I am also the extremely proud mother of choice to Michelle, who is 23.  Aaron Lives in Massachusetts and the girls and I live in Columbia, South Carolina.  I know a lot of people may proclaim it and it may be true for all of them; but I can say from everything within in me...my children are the air that I breath.  They are my soul.  My reason for life.  My best friends, My joy, my smile, my laughter, my everything is good in the world reason.  When I question my role in this world, all I have to do is look at one of them,and I know that in the large scope of life...THEY are my role in life.  It was to give them life.

Which is why, at approximately 11:00 on Friday morning, June 13, 2014...when the Coroner for the City of Columbia, South Carolina knocked on my door and informed me that my beautiful, vivacious, full of life and spirit and overflowing with love for everyone that she touched baby girl Aja Dawn Robinson was laying dead on an autopsy gurney at Palmetto Richland Hospital...that the life that I'd lived for 46 years died and evaporated on the spot and I knew the Lisa that everyone had known would never be the same.  I collapsed, and truly...could not tell you much of anything that happened for the next 2-3 weeks due to being sedated much of the time.  But in the next blog, I am going to delve into surviving the next week.  Media interviews, a very full house filled with an abundance of loving friends and family, and incredibly kind funeral home who went above and beyond to support us, and man....when I tell you about my girls.....my girls here in Columbia but also Da Panel.  That's what I call them.  I don't have to name them.  We're sort of a secret Society.  And we like it like that.  But they were my legitimate lifeboats.  They kept my heat above water when I was not able to do it for myself.  When I was unable to emotionally stand and open my eyes....they seemed to read my mind, organized a huge fundraiser that ultimately paid a huge chunk of Aja's funeral and most of our bills for a few months, they also designed a beautiful logo and tshirt that they sold to raise money for our family (and that I actually need a few more of)  And my ladies here..Tiffany, Tee, Honey, Wisdohm, Chandra, Tonya, Vikki, Marla...they continued to check on me daily, made sure the girls and I had food to eat, went and filled prescriptions out of their own pocket, organized fundraisers, Damn near dragged me out of  my self isolation and made me come out to fundraisers to show my face, just so I wouldn't be by myself.

And Tee and Tiffany...my sistas in spirit, I swear.  These women are just such  kindred spirits to me.  There were times where I literally could not BREATH..could not function, bathe, BREATH...I truly truly wanted to hold my breath until I died.  And every time I opened my eyes.  They both would be sitting there quietly on either side of me.  Just letting me know that I WAS NOT ALONE.  Do you understand what a POWERFUL gift that is to someone who is on the verge of suicide??  I never even told them.  Or thanked them.  I will have to make sure to tell them to read this blog.  Tiffany and Tee...the two of you single handedly SAVED my life at least 4-5 times in June.  If you had not been here, I would not be here today.  Thank You.  I Love You.

Up In My Feelings

I wasn't sure what to call this blog.  Nothing really describes what my feelings are right now...which is why I finally said...Im just up in my feelings. 

There is so much going on with my child.  I won't go into all of it, but the broad overview is that I parent a child who is diagnosed severely bipolar.  I'm not revealing any secret by saying that.  I've tried to teach her that her diagnosis is nothing to be ashamed of..it is a medical diagnosis and she is living with it as best as she can.

Right now, I am just so.....angry.  Angry, hurt, sad, disappointed, frustrated, overwhelmed...just...tired.  I think I've kinda fooled myself into thinking "this bipolar thing is not that big a deal..if I don't pay it a whole lot of attention, it doesn't exist"  "No excuses...I don't want her to excuse any of her behaviors" And then well-meaning, but still incorrect people add in their opinions.."she is just spoiled" "you are babying her" Blah blah fukkin blah.  And during the last few days, it's been so clear to me just how.....fragile...my child is. 

Of all things, I think that is the scariest revelation for me.  After parenting 2 children who didn't have it easy, but who have that natural fighters spirit in them, I realize that this one..her spirit is so fragile.  And it hurts me to know how deeply she hurts, and just how absolutely terrified she has become of the world.  And it hurts me to my very core that I cannot "fix" this.  I'm so used to being the nurterer, the protector and "fixer" for everyone.  And to be faced with something that is so completely out of my control...it is devastating.  It brings back the feelings I felt when my son was diagnosed with cancer at 6 months old and immediately went into surgery and chemotherapy.  As a parent...I was supposed to be able to take away the booboo's..just kiss them away.  To hug my baby and make everything bad go away.  And when we can't...there is no way to describe that fear and pain and just...sorrow. 

Most of us are just naturally fighters...we learn to have tough skin, to stand up for ourselves and to push our way through obstacles.  We read stories about people who have become lost in their pain and the hurt becomes so overwhelming that they don't feel they can go on.  And we think.."why can't they just get OVER it??"  And now I UNDERSTAND.  As a matter of fact...I OVERstand.

Anyway...I don't know what I actually started off this blog to say.  Just got a lot on my mind and on my spirit right now.

A Season, A Reason, A Moment

A few weeks ago, I was asked a question on Ask.FM.  I don't remember the exact wording, but to paraphrase "we used to spend time together and now we don't..what happened?"  Since I didn't know who asked me, it was hard to answer honestly.  So I gave this vague kind of "I've changed".  And although that's true..it's not the complete story.

I truly believe that unless you are stuck in some sort of time warp...all of are in a state on constant change.  That being said..the Lisa that you knew 10 years ago, 5 years ago, 2 years ago, 2 months ago...she no longer exists.  People are in your life for a season, a reason and a moment.  I may have absolutely adored the ground you walked on 5 years ago...but if I have somehow determined that ultimately..you are not good for or to my life or spirit...then you needed to be eliminated.

I admit, there are some people who I keep in my life, but that is because I know that they are in my life for a REASON.  Whether it is teach me, to somehow enhance my spirit or because selfishly I simply need them.  These are people that will always be in my life, in my spirit, in my heart and in my thoughts.  They have shown me that they "are down for me", that they innately care about what happens to LISA and I them.

Those who were in my life for a SEASON.  Maybe we dated, maybe we were friends, maybe we shared some experiences.  At some point, I determined that you were not productive to the place I am ultimately trying to be emotionally, spiritually, mentally or physically.  It may not have occurred to me in that time..but at some point..it did.  That Lisa you knew..that you experienced...she longer exists anyway.  Stop trying to recapture a moment that we shared in the past.  As the saying goes...that ship has sailed.  There can many reasons that I shut people off.  But the main reasons are usually one of the following:  You have proved to me that you do not have my best interests at heart, You have shown to me that your interest in me is primarily a sexual interest, I have grown bored of your "shtick", I realize that I am simply an option in your life and not a priority.  Don't try to change my mind, or recapture a season..it won't happen.  I am one of those people who when they close a door....it remains closed.  I can be polite to you, hang out with you...and hopefully in that time, you will see that I am a changed woman.  If not..perhaps it is because you really are stuck in a place where you choose to remain.  Just know that I cannot join you there.

Those who were in my life for a MOMENT.  Simply put...its a wrap.  You were a hiccup in my life.  Maybe our moment lasted a day...a few weeks, a year.  Either way, in my mind and spirit..I have deleted you completely.  In my life's storybook...I will not even write about you.  This is because I have determined you to be a complete waste of my life's time.  Maybe you did something that I perceived as disrespectful to me or someone that I love, maybe I just have realized that you contribute nothing to my life, yet leech from my heart, spirit, finances, or body, Maybe what you do contribute is a waste of time, Maybe I know you are stuck in a holding pattern that you will never leave from, etc.  There are many many reasons.  But at the end of the day...our moment has passed us.

So...look within.  What group do you think you fall in?  Analyze self.  I do it constantly.  Before I look at others and expect them to fix their shyt...I understand that I have to be able to do it myself.  And I have a lot of shyt to fix.  I have fixed a lot of it.  But so much more remains.

Ask yourself...are YOU a SEASON, a REASON or a MOMENT to the people around you?

Totally Random Information

Yup..thats exactly what this is gonna be, because I'm bored and because I just finished a list of absolutely random information that Aaron posted.  And since I don't have a single independant thought, his idea seemed good enough for me.  So in no apparent order...the following is a probably long list of random information that you may or may not already know and may or may not give a shit about.  BUT...it will occupy my brain and energy for at least 20 minutes of bored time :D

1.  I truly despise fleas, as you have probably noticed by my many rants and posts about killing them.  They make me itch and worse yet..they give me the heebie jeebies.

2.  The first thing I did when I got paid this week was go on Amazon and order my birthday gift to myself.  A 4lb container of Jelly Belly Jelly Beans.

3.  I really REALLY dislike for someone to repeatedly text or call me asking when I will have time for them.  MAJOR turnoff

4.  I know poeple think I'm mean to guys..and I probably am.  But my BS tolerance is pretty low

5.  My tolerance for neediness and redundancy is just as low.

6.  Theres absolutely jack shit on tv right now.

7.  I just sent a text and lied to someone about not being home, just because I don't want company tonight

8.  That was the second person I told that lie to in the last 20 minutes.

9.  As mean as I am, I'm quite sensitive to people's feelings. 

10.  And I'm very non confrontational if I can help it

11.  I dunno why I am so addicted to Spike TV's Gangland.  I think I was a thug in a past life or something

12.  I'll refuse to eat certain foods (usually fruits) based simply on their texture (bananas, strawberries, peaches, kiwi, etc)  Love the FLAVOR of them..but the texture freaks me out

13.  If I read this list, I sure come across as picky huh?

14.  Jelly Bellies are not my only candy addiction....I love spice drops, twizzlers, Charleston Chews (all 3 flavors), Swedish Fish, Mike N Ikes and Hot Tamales, Reeses Peanut Butter Cups, and Symphony Bars with toffee.  Oh...and Chunky Bars. 

15.  Now I have a taste for chunky bars

16.  I was miserable the last month because I had some overdue fines at the library and couldn't check out any books.  That was the second thing I paid yesterday.  I will be at the library tomorrow!

17.  Someone asked me on ask.fm when I am gonna update my FILF list for 2013. 

18.  I have absolutely NO desire to ever ride a motorcycle

19.  Its always annoyed me that my wrists are too big to wear bangles.  I love bangles.  I always wanted about 20 of those itty bitty skinny bangles.

20.  I haven't worn heels in like a month  (GASP!!!)

21.  Every night this week, I have come home and gone straight to bed.  I don't go to sleep, but I get on my bed and read, watch movies, listen to music, etc.  Simply because its the one damn spot int he house that the fleas haven't gotten to. 

22.  I refuse to allow anyone in the house until after we have COMPLETELY flea bombed the entire house (we are doing it tomorrow)  I would feel horrible if someone got bitten in my house.

23.  I'm flea bombing my car overnight tonight

24.  I just begged Aja to get me a Chunky bar on her way home later

25.  I really wanna steal Aja's tattoo idea and get those butterflies on my thigh

26.  I just completely lost my train of thought

27.  I........yeah....it's still lost.

The End

Saturday Morning Musings

Happy Saturday Folks!!!  Just had my first coffee since Wednesday....two HUGE cups back to back.  So, I'm a lil bananas right now.  Just try to keep up with wherever my mind flows.

Just finished salting all the carpets.  Another remedy try in this summers invasion of the fleas.  I swear, I am ready to throw both the cats outta the house for the rest of the summer.  But we all know that is not how I roll.  If you make a commitment to bring a pet into your family, you are obligated to care for it and treat it humanly for the totality of it's life.  So...I guess I'm stuck with these litle bastids.  That being said....

We have also been battling a little "intestinal" issues with Oliver and Onyx.  Namely,these lil fukkas shit too damn much....and not in the box!!   My remedy (which seems to be working last night and today)  Buy an extra cat box and keep each box in a different bathroom, lock cats in bathroom, stand over them and glare while they cringe in the catbox until the urge hits them and then start clapping and giving them lots of praise when they finally go!!  Even though they will stare at you and try to figure out why the hell you won't give them a little bit of privacy, and you will be swaying and trying not to pass out from the smell...they DO use the catbox!!  Poor Onyx got so used to being in that box, the last time I went downstairs, he was SLEEPING in the box *I swear*  Its also very important that the box stays REALLY clean.  It occured to me that both cats are REALLY finicky about that.  As long as it is really clean, they will use it.  Sothe new huse rule is..someone has to clean it EVERY DAY.

So I had this idea come to me this morning.  Even though my family is really tiny, I was thinking that we should all put together our favorite recipes and create a cookbook that we can pass down from generation to generation.  We may be tiny, but our family loves food and cooking, and if I do say so myself...we create some DAMN good food.  So..that's my project for 2013.  To assemble the recipes, to create a book somehow..even if it just a loose bound book...and to gift the family kids with one.  It may be a 2013-2014 project because thats a lot of books, but they are worth it.

I've been sick in bed with food poisoning since Wednesday, but I finally woke up feeling good today.  I gotta remember not to overdo it, because that is what I usually do.  I am gonna go to lunch with my friend Kesia.  We are going to this awesome Hibachi that she showed me.  I absolutely love being able to do adult lunches with my girlfriends.  Its such a good way to bond and build.

Okay, lemme go finish up with this goup that I just put together on fb.  Then I want to go get a few groceries that I didn't get last night.  Lata gatas....

Tales From A Single Woman

Soooooo many things to talk about.  Where do I begin?

Okay.  This is gonna sound hella selfish, but meh....sometimes that is what you just have to be.  I have decided that going forward, I am no longer going to date anyone that does not have either a car or a valid license and access to a car.  I am tired of being the chauffer.  And a man without a car is just so wrong to me.  Now understand...if I were still in Boston, this really wouldn't be as big an issue. (Yes...yes it would now that I think about it)  But here in South Carolina...you really do have to have a car.

Im a spontaneous kind of woman.  I enjoy getting out and about.  And being the only driver really hinders that.  There are times when I just wanna jump in the car and go, and when I have to wait to make pickup arrangements, drive 30-40 minutes to pick you up, wait on you...blah blah blah....nah, the spontanaity is killed.  Then for dates, I gotta factor in time to pick you up and drop you off afterward.  Its too much damn work.  Can't just ever do a casual get together after work.

Part of me wonders...how does a man feel like a man if he is sitting at home, waiting on a woman to come pick him up all the time?  And is it just me, or do the people who don't have cars and don't drive...seem to be the bossiest damn people about YOUR time and car?

Okay...so thats where I stand on that.

Next....this whole thing of "I'll just come by and we can watch a movie and chill"  Oh and if I am REALLY lucky "Oh, I'll just come by and you can cook and we can watch a movie and chill".  NEGATIVE.  I stopped that a long time ago.  I can sit on my couch by my damn self.  I don't need you invading my personal space.  And don't do me any favors "letting" me cook my damn food for your broke ass.  And that tired ass excuse "I'm a homebody, I really don't do the whole going out thing" will leave your tired (aka BORING) ass sitting in your damn house alone.

Okay..lemme stop before I get accused of man bashing.  But hell, I'm an equal opportunity basher.  I know plenty of chicks who are just as needy.  But I haven't tried to date them, lol.