Random Friday Bitching, Clarifications, Rants and Complaints

Its funny...I really AM a positive person. You'd never know with all of my bitchin and moaning..but ordinarily, I'm a very positive spirit. That being said...I have some things on my chest that I need to get off. And with my chest being as ample as it is..there's a lot that can sit there..it's starting to feel heavy. So, in no particular order....

*Just because I love and wear stilettos..that does NOT mean that I am a wanna be stripper (get dee fugg outta here with that..I'm fat, I'm lazy and these stilettos make my calves burn like fiyah! I am NOT dancing) Nor does it mean that I want to sex you with them on. You can cut up your own damn sheets and snag your own shit if ya wanna..

* Kim Kardashian and the rest of the K Klan..please go sit your asses down somewhere. You are being seen too often. Theres a word for that, but I'm having brain freeze right now. But it means that you need to stay out of the spotlight for a little while..make people actually WANT to see you everywhere again

*My adding you as a friend on any website does NOT equal my wanting to be intimate with you. PLEASE please please...Public Service Announcement..Lisa is not attracted to community property peenie. Fellas, being an internet ho really is not sexy. Even you undercover hoes whose game is a little tighter..

*Learn to read cues. If someone is not responding to your flirts, pokes, messages, repeated offers of a massage, texts, etc...THEY ARE NOT INTERESTED.

*Men and women really can be JUST FRIENDS. I see a few of you have missed that memo. But iffin I say you are only a friend..really..that translates into..You ain't gettin none..not now, not ever..not if I am drunk, doped up on muscle relaxers AND horny. There is something about you that has turned me off in the pit of my ovaries and it can never be reversed. Save yourself some wasted energy dude. Thatisall.

*if my vulgarity and frankness offends you...go tell somebody who cares. You're probably someone who doesn't know me well anyway; or else you'd know..good, bad or indifferent..this is ME

*If you are sick (evil side eyeing a few folks) please keep your freakin germs out of my air! Stand over me while I'm eating and cough one mo damn time and I am gonna jump up out of my chair and smush my steak into your germy ass face!!

* Verbal Diarrhea - If you are chattering to me non stop and I am not responding..please STFU (that's shut the f**k up for you challenged folk) *side eyed*

*People standing over me while I eat..period. Or staring at my food while I eat. I hope you are not waiting on an invite to share..Muhpuhffa, clearly I did not get this big from sharing!

*Getting offended when I call my child dim. Don't worry...she knows she is dim. And furthermore..she probably wouldn't even be aware enough to be offended her own damn self. Thats my baby, I adore her and she is beautiful as the day is long. But I do tell her not to aim too high. She might wanna marry an athlete or a rapper or something. Someone like Wocka Flocka..who won't challenge her thought process to much.

*calling me and you ain't got shit to say. I don't care if you are bored..I wasn't. It takes your slow ass 20 minutes to reply to a damn text...clearly, communication is not your strong suit.

Okay, my lunch hour is just about up now. Gotta go back and act like I'm working hard.

You asked for it..here it is!!! (okay..you didn't really ask for it)

The 2011 Annual "He Could Get It" List!!! In other words, I have been e-stalking some of my facebook friends pictures and now I once again have "sex on da brain". Not that this is anything new...but occasionally, it is even ..wait..lemme go fix occasionally..my spell check keeps popping up, so my spidey sense is telling me that I just destroyed that word...Okay, where was I? Oh yeah...He Could Get It 2011!!

*and before you greeedy lil heffas go and try to add my sexyfied friends on fb..dammit, I have first dibs!!!!!! And not all of them are on fb anyway!*

First...we gotta start with the FILFS (Fathers I'd Loooooooooooove to f......umm...well...hmmm, well..you get the point) Simply because I seem to have so many on my fb friends.

Introducing the FILFS:

Jerimy.....sweet baby Jesus...I have never wanted to dry hump someone on a stool at a restaurant in Charleston so much before!!! (yeah, I know that was specific, but I HAVE sorta wanted to dry hump someone on a stool before..but never at a restaurant in Charleston!!! LMFAO) So damn pretty that you just want to slap somebody..

my Faby Baby...it has been discussed Fabian, and the general consensus among us that was that YES..you are DA MAN. Combine the sexy and the funny and dammit man..you just could really get it. Thatisall

Trev..even though you smile like once a century...as I was reminded when I drooled over your picture this morning...when you do...clawdhavmercy....you and your evil ass could get it

Kenney...mmm Sir..you my dear could definitely get da good good...Nuf said..you know how too.

Geno...*inhaleexhaleinhaleexhale* whoo Lawd...I can't even find the words.....*inhaleexhalepantpantpant* Gotta prepare for that one..do some kegals and squats and shyt...

Carl...*and sighhhhhhhhhhhhhh* man, I used to looooooooooveded me some Carl. He still makes me drool.

Kevin M....Whoo damn, I am glad you are happily married, because mayunnnnnn. When i first met you at that party, I almost bit my damn tongue off. That's the kinda man that will make ya stupid..just fine for no reason. You mah dear, are a FILF

Bobby...lemme preface this with YES, I know he's married! Being on this list doesn't mean you WOULD get it..just means that I have thought of you buck ass nekkid in my mind once or two thousand times. That being said....Bobby...umm yeah. You a FILF dude.

Lionell. Okay..now this one..I was gonna put on the Intelligents..you know those ones that could be so damn smart that it just turns you on (don't get me wrong..they are still fine..the intelligence just makes em even finer!)...but he is also a dad...so he gets honorable mention of both lists. Damn, now I got my lists all mixed up and I'm confused. Damn you Lionell!!! Dang...which would also define

LaMikhael...One day I'm gonna spell his name correctly too. Like Lionell, he is just one of those package deals..funny, smarter than a 5th grader, sexy, and he likes candy as much as me!!

Okay...clearly, there are a lot of FILFS on my list..I am trying to break em down into sections, because different things make people sexy in my eyes...

The Funny/Sexy/Cools...Yup, they are all 3 rolled up into one sexy ass package!!!! because anyone that knows me, knows that I love to laugh and if you can make me laugh without even trying to...then you get sexier every time I look at you...

Vance. He's sexy..he's funny, he's cool...he's sexy...Wait..I lost my train of thought. Any man that will stop what he's doing...and sing a duet at the top of his lungs at a party with me (and on key!) mmmm...man...you coulda got it, lol.

Kirk..this man just KEEPS me laughing...repeatedly and that is some sexy shyttttt. AND talented..another point there! Anybody who actually GETS what I'm saying and realizes that 99% of it is sarcasm..is brilliantly sexy in my mind! lol

Timmy Tim...no secret WHY he could get it. Mannn, forget being funny, he is SEXY..the funny, the height, the body...the overall is just so damn sexy.

Maaaaaarrrcuusssssss...That's Marcus for those who don't speak Lisa. But Marcus knows that I can never just say his name...I have to draw it out. LOL. Yeah, I know I have like 54 Marcus's on my friends list! Hahhaaaaa!!! He'll know who he is though..he's the only one that I call Maaaaaaaaarrrcccuuuussssss when we are on the phone and text :)

The Singers......singers are soooooooooo sexy to me. Well, GOOD singers. And there are a few that I know...

Dean...Lawddddddhavmuhcy..Dean...Dean...Dean...mm..you know what? Thatisall..

Maurice and Stephen...There's two of them???!!!!! Formerly of Perfect Gentlemen, now of the Muzik Makers...brothers...both sing like whoa...both sexy as they wanna be....*le sigh*

Zane and Jay aka S.O.U.L. You ever heard that expression *could sing your drawers off*? These two mickeefickee's here???? Mannnnnnnn, Jay sings this Gerald Levert cover...and I swear fo Jiminy Cricket..by the end of the song..I am nekky and writhing on the floor of Caprioska...in my mind. Just....ridiculous. And Zane...Zane got that...sexy that makes you wanna punch him thing going on. Those high notes...that body...that face....that voice....*shudder*

Okay...Before I name like EVERY man I know..lemme end this for now. I might have to come back with a part two, because I KNOW I left out a few people. And I know they will text/message/call me like *damn...you ain't never wanted to see me nekkey too???*

dang, this list is getting pretty long huh? Have I really thought about this many damn men nekky? Oh my....

The Randomness That Is Lisa

So, I've been sitting here for the last hour or so, trying to decide what I would blog on today. But my A.D.D. seems to be on overdrive today, so I am having a hard time reigning my thoughts into one cohesive thought. So I figured I'd just start typing. And by the end of the page...either I will have filled an entire page with absolute nothingness and lots of words that don't make sense. Orrrrrrrr, I will have forced my brain into an actual thought process and it will suddenly go *POOF* and suddenly, a brilliant idea will have emerged.

Yeah...I'm still going with the page of nothingness at this point. Shall I rant about dumbasses today? Rave about the gentlemen on my annual *He could get it* list? Go deep and discuss the ills and pains of my life? Shall I rant about the fact that my pc settings has my fonts looking all janky and I don't know how to change them? Or should I blog about the fact that I have nothing to blog about this afternoon? This is so unfair!! I finally have internet back..and it's a snow day, so I have all day to blog...and I have nothing. Dammit..this damn font is pissing me off. I guess I'll just go try to reset the internet fonts and then come back and hopefully by then..my brain will be functioning.

I'm Backkkkkkkkk

Good Morning People...

It's only been what...about a year?? Yerp, well, I'm back. And although I'd like to sit here and write a summary of everything that I've done this past year, duty calls and I must go to work. BUTTTTTTT...don't start crying just yet, I WILL be home tonight. if for no other reason than I am too broke to go out! And when my internet time comes up (the girls and I have shifts. I have night shift, which seemed like a good idea til I remembered how early my arse goes to bed half the time...foiled again) Anyway, I digress. I shall return this evening, with another installment of As Lisa Turns.

Buh Byeeee!!

mini vacation time

okay, since I have to post from my phone, this will be very short. For the record, typing on the keyboard of a Palm Pre should be outlawed for anyone whose fingers are bigger than the average 3 y/o's. These small azz buttons suck monkey balls.

Today is the first day of my mini vacation. I'm off til Tuesday morning. My mom will arrive in Columbia in approximately 3 hrs. Yayyyyy, I miss her so much. She truly is the calm in my sea and my rock. When life is bringing me down, she reminds me to keep smiling and keep striving. Anyhooo.

Aja graduates from high school on Sunday :) Yes, I am a poud Mommy. It's been a long journey, but she did it. Imani graduates from 5th grade

4:30 a.m. ramblings

Sooo, it's 4:30 in the morning and I've been up for 90 minutes now. Imani is in the midst of a manic phase (nothing more fun than a bipolar 10 y/o..) and has been up wandering the house with EVERY light blazing since 3...therefore, I too am up :( I get up at 3 and ask her why she is up at 3. She answers in her manicky lil voice *WellfirstIgotuptolookformyglassesbutnowI'mfindingmyclothesforschoolsoIcanbeready!!*

Night before, she wandered the house ALL night..never went to sleep. I can't wait to see what tonight brings. Anywhoo....

Why is it that we never do our major worrying until the middle of the night? I had to get up and come downstairs because I was just laying in the bed..worrying, thinking, going over finances and trying to solve poverty, world hunger, the National Health Insurance debate AND how to pay Time Warner, Electric Company, Rent, Sprint and a food bill off a currently negative bank account. Yeah..it doesn't seem really possible to me either.

Dreamed last night that I couldn't stay in my house for a few days because a Polar Bear kept coming out of the wall and the exterminator told me that "No, you can't stay here until we make it out there, because Polar Bears will snatch you up out of your sleep. You gotta find someplace to stay* So, we went and stayed with Evy in Boston (MA). Yes..I still lived in SC, but it made perfect sense to me in my dream to go stay with Evy and just drive to work in the mornings.

My eyes are burning like a mickeefickee. I am gonna be wiped out at work today.

JaMelle and I had the funniest TMI conversation when he stopped by the house yesterday. Yes, I know it's TMI, but hell, ya'll already know I ain't got no damn sense anyway. Sooooo...seems that both our stomachs were upset all day AND we also had gas but because our stomachs were upset, we didn't trust that our farts wouldn't be "sharts", so we kept going to the bathroom every time we felt we needed to fart. Just to be on the safe side. That poor bathroom door was revolving by the time he left to go home, lmaoooo.

Okay..it's 4:53 and my alarm will be going off in 7 minutes to get Imani ready for school. You know you live in the South when your child's schoolbus comes at 5:40 in the damn morning!!

Sit Yo Azz Down Saturday...

This is your chance to tell someone how you really feel about something. We all know how reserved and polite I am *coughcough*...so this will incredibly hard for me..but I'll try :D

First...ALL of those damn Kardashian sisters...sit yo man hungry asses down!!! Better yet...find a career that does not include pimping yourself out or television/club appearances.

Thirsty ass men...please sit yo asses down! If a woman has not responded to your texts, calls, emails, pleas, etc. Errrm..thats pretty good hint. Take it.

African scam artists...PLEASE sit yo asses down!! We have caught on..all we do is delete everything you send.

Skinny men in extra Smedium tshirts and wife-beaters. Please put a sweater on, grab a handful of biscuits and sit yo ass down somewhere.

I'm equal opportunity...chicks with muffin tops in extra tight shirts..that shyt is NOT cute. Embrace your fluffiness, love your fluffiness..be happy with your fluffiness..BUT...find a shirt that FLATTERS your fluffiness.

Undercover fat girl lovers who want to date us privately, but don't want their partnas to know. Sit yo ass down and grow a nutsack. There's too many men out here who recognize that beautiful comes in all sizes.

HIM...no names, he knows who HIM is...man, sit yo triflin ass down! Thatisall