Happy New Year! Welcome to 2018
As I sit here sipping on my coffee, I'm marinating on last night and how badly it went left.
Imani and I were having a good time, switching between the Dick Clark/Ryan Seacrest Countdown and the Steve Harvey one. One of her friends calls and wants her to go out to a party with her and then stay at her house for the night (basically an all night party somewhere). I say no. Its already like 9, and I didn't want Imani out in the streets, especially at a house party with a bunch of young people. i know how volatile that can get. The subject gets dropped until around 9:45-10:00 and basically..it turns into a big thing. I finally said eff it...you are gonna do what you want to do. And she started getting ready to go.
The thing is...as I marinate on it. I didn't want her to go because I was TERRIFIED. I am terrified to let her go too far out of my sight because I'm terrified that she will will be hurt or worse yet killed. I tried to explain to her that New Years is a crazy night in the city. I explained that I was scared. But then I just removed myself. I had to because I was going into a panic attack.
I know I have to work through these fears. She has a right to grow up, and she will have to learn whatever life lessons she is supposed to learn. But it is SO hard. I live in a constant nagging fear that something is going to happen to Aaron or Imani. She wants to grow up and venture out so badly, but still has very little idea of how the real world works, because she has been sheltered.
In the end, she didn't go out. I didn't ask why. She'd already showered and was getting dressed. I thought she'd left, but when I went to check on the baby, there she was, in bed. It was then and only then that I was able to release my fear and go to bed. I feel like I SHOULD feel guilty for saying no and not wanting her out living...but I don't. I just feel relieved that she wasn't out there at risk. Ugh...This really is something I need to work though.
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Mom here - honey - I TOTALLY understand your fears - both from a realistic point of view (the City - where the deaths of teens is on the rise) and fears that you will lose her and/or Aaron - once you have lost a child - THAT fear becomes part of you - so you have nothing to feel guilty about honey - with maturity, Mani will begin to realize that you were right and especially as you have not met the people she would have been partying with - no baby girl you did the RIGHT thing - Mani has come a hell of long way since having the babies - and I applaud her for that - and yes, I do feel badly that she not able to enjoy a lot of the "teen" things - HOWEVER, the reality is she did become a mom at a very young age - and if she didn't have you for support - emotionally and every other way - she would be in dire straits indeed.... You are very much in touch with your feelings and that is a GOOD thing - and you would do well to begin working this out with a therapist...
ReplyDeleteI agree. I need to reconnect with my therapist, so I can start working thru some of my issues.
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